Synced: Unlikeable

They've been trying, but it has not gained any traction, and he's done a ton. He's done so much in the past four years, and I've talked to some people about this, and it's actually very telling, because when you say he's done a lot, and people don't know what he's done, it's often a sign of privilege, one that I also experience, where, yeah, you don't know what he's done because he's helping the general public. He's not helping the top 1%. He should not help the top 1%. So I think, as sort of an indicator, if you're sort of out of the loop or don't know how he's helped, it's probably because he hasn't helped you, because you're pretty privileged, and that's great.

But there are women, you know, who have also done that. I mean, RBG, famously.

I just, I'm a little angrier in general about people focusing on the person more than the policies and what's going on and what's coming out of these presidencies and help for people. That's the point. And so to have a bunch of young people just crossing their arms and saying, I'm not going to do it because this person isn't perfect when literally everything is on the line this time around, more so than 2016, is like, then you deserve it. If you're going to sit it out, you're going to be affected and you deserve it. And that is really how I feel.

So I don't know. I just hope everyone really shows up. And if we have a female minority president, I will be very happy.

You know, they never got any hope or change. Like they entered this in a horrible economy. They can't even afford their rent. Like they can't afford to have a family, to buy a home. I can't blame people who feel like politicians have given up.

But at the same time, I think the more fun we can make it and be like, sure, if you don't want to come to our party, that's fine. But like, the more fun our party is, I think the more irresistible the political movement is and just a revolution is, that's the best way we can go about it. Because if we scold them, no one wants to be scolded into action. Or no one is, right? But I also get your feelings about it.

You know, it's very frustrating.

And unfortunately, you are going to feel the repercussions. And you're going to feel them more than the rest of us who are voting.

There's certainly no perfect politician. To your point, what are the best set of circumstances to vote for? And I feel frustrated, too, when I hear people just sort of poo-poo the optimism that's going on right now. Because I think it's so powerful and so rare to have people disengaged. And so I just want that to continue.

And I think she will not do that. She's going to fight back. And I think that will be fun to watch.

So you just like yell all day and talk about all the horrible things that are happening or are going to be happening. And she's just like laughing and having a good time. Like, I kind of want to laugh and have a good time after the last 10 years. I think we deserve a debate.

I don't know if you know this, but a few episodes ago, there was a whole thing that happened in the comments about me.

And to me, it was obviously a joke. But it, I guess, was not obviously a joke. And they're a sponsor. And so then, obviously, they got a little upset. And then, you know, I talked to them about it and everything was fine.

But it started this whole thing in the comments, where everyone was really on me about being unrelatable. And oh, oh, and this is also at the time that Eric and I were listening to Acquired. And we were both listening to the Hermes episode. And then me and you talked about it, too. Our episode was the very next day, which, honestly, Liz, I almost pulled that episode after all.

this happened. Because this was happening on Tuesday night. And our episode was coming out on Wednesday. And I knew that we were also going to talk about Hermes. And I was like, I don't want that out there.

People are already on a warpath against me. So there was a whole thing about me not being relatable anymore. And all I do is talk about fancy things. And lots of stuff. There was a particular comment that I have not been able to get out of my head.

I know what they mean when they say this. I don't even think this person would be able to see that there's a huge double standard here. But there was a comment that said, it started off very nice. It was like, I really like Monica. But I do feel like all she talks about is fancy stuff.

And it's not relatable. And this whole thing. She was like, I just find myself relating so much more to Dax, taking his kids across the country in his bus. And I'm like, I can't talk about a bag. Which, by the way, I don't own.

Let's be clear. A bag I don't own. But I'm interested in owning. Or pants or shoes. That's not relatable.

But owning a bus is relatable? And I get what they mean. He's talking about his family. But really piece that apart and see what you're doing. We really are very, very used to seeing men as successful figures amongst us.

It's very natural. But it is not so natural to see a woman in a position of, not power, just succeeding on a level that maybe is a little more than above average financially, I think. Because again, success means so many things. And by so many metrics, I have not. But in this one, I have.

And so it does not sit well with people. You know, it's like in theory, me and you talk about it all the time. It's like, we know this. But to get the physical reminder of it, it's like, yeah, it's crazy.

And one is seen as vain, and the other is not. I mean, this is all tying into, because it's so synced, this conversation around Kamala Harris not having biological kids. She is a mom. She's a stepmom. Which I think is so insulting to so many step parents and just all kinds of different families across the world and across this country.

But the fact that she doesn't have biological kids is somehow used against her and used to paint her, right? The childless cat ladies. The subtext is that there's something wrong with us, right? And so there's something wrong with the things that you spend on. And that if you were spending them on, yeah, family vacation with your kids, or even fertility, because at least you're trying to fit into that standard of what's expected for women, then there would be no criticism.

So I'm sorry, you're dealing with that. How did you feel? Were you able to come to that conclusion immediately? Or were you hard on yourself?

that's so negative, which, again, is why I don't do it. It's why I actively don't look at comments. And I know that also bothers people. That was also a whole section on those comments, that how dare I not look at comments, which I responded to. And I didn't want to.

I was like, oh, my gosh, this is exactly why I don't do it. Because you get dragged in. You end up defending yourself. And none of this is worth any of our time. The people writing it, too.

Like, it's not worth their time. I don't. But yeah, I basically said, I wonder if this is a joke. based on this comments page. Do you think anyone should have to read these types of things about themselves?

I was pretty at peace with it. And then, of course. Of course. And also, I'm about to start my period. You are, too.

We're synced up. I'm just, like, so PMS-y right now. And so I think, very sensitive. So I went to this new skin care woman.

No, this awesome esthetician. And she was recommended to me by another podcast that I really like. And one of the hosts on there goes to this place. And she was talking about how it really helped her skin. And so I looked into it.

I went yesterday. It was wonderful. And so I messaged the host of the show. And I said, hey, you know, I just wanted to say thank you, because I found this through you. And then so, while I was on the page, I saw, and I remember when this happened, her and her co-host, they posted a video a while ago.

that was them listening to me, talking about them on our show. And me saying, I found this new podcast and I really like it. But it's also so fascinating because they are not what I pictured in my head. Yeah. And I think it's so funny because we all do this, right?

When you're reading a book or whatever, you have a vision of a person and a real intricate. We've also said it about Winna, who is the New York Times Connections woman. You know, we all have this idea. And then I saw her and I was like, oh my gosh, that is not what I expected. And of course, this is not negative.

And I even said on the podcast, I said, they're beautiful. But it's just funny. It's that weird space in between that we fill in. And I also said, and it made me think a lot of people probably do this with me. Yeah.

They posted like a little clip of that and them reacting to it, which was very, very funny. And when I was messaging her and I saw it and I was like, oh yeah, that. And I looked. and then there's all these like mean comments. Someone was like classic, insufferable Monica.

Oh my God. I mean, OK, sure.

Their intern is responding to your comments. Most likely not all of them, but many of them. A lot of really famous celebrities. I have this theory, like the best ones have no Instagram. There are tons that I love that do.

But if you tally the list of the ones who have no Instagram and have never had an Instagram, they're kind of the best ones. And I went through many different versions and eras, honestly, of really struggling. I deleted my Instagram account once. I think it was 2019 or 2018.. I just felt like I couldn't.

And again, it's not to say, oh, poor us. Why I'm saying this? is that your point about projection, I think, is really important, because we all do that. And this is, you know, something that anyone can really do, right? We all project things onto other people and have things projected onto us that we cannot meet and people be disappointed in a version of us that they've made up in their heads, right?

And that was what was really hard for me. Like, I just felt like I couldn't ever meet the expectations. It was just impossible. And I tried really hard and I still do. And I hate that.

I do, you know? Right.

It's just not going to bring any peace. But it's hard.

So I also think sometimes, yeah, when people are like, oh, you used to be, I mean, again, I've had it in the last little while around this new presidential announcement of people being like, oh, I used to love, you know, and I'm like, okay, maybe this used to feel good for you and now it doesn't anymore. And like, that's okay. I don't have to try and change your mind about me. I don't need to invalidate any of it. Maybe it's time for us to part ways.

Yeah. Like, our relationship is complete. You can move on and I can move on, or I can continue to grow in the way that I want to. and the other person too. Like, I think we hold on to things and we feel betrayed when people don't stay the way that they're supposed to be.

or, you know, again, whatever we've decided, the other, you know, other people should be. And so, yeah, I think there's like a little bit of radical acceptance there for us all to do.

And I understand that could maybe come with growing pains for people around.

We talk about work all the time. Why don't we, you know, and it was really this heartbreaking, beautiful friendship between these two men who had grown apart. And she didn't have to do that much digging to really realize that, yes, one person had sort of achieved a lot of things since they'd been in college together. And they both didn't just talk it out, you know, and it could have just been sort of a conversation, and they would still be best friends, but each were creating meaning out of how that would feel for the other person and what the, you know what I mean? And again, sometimes friendships do end and they've run their course, but sometimes it's also, I don't know, just thinking about like, oh, why am I annoyed right now?

Why does this bother me? And just going a little deeper instead of just kind of throwing it on the other person or again, leaving a comment you might regret. Like, so yeah, I think there's a lot there. Just to sit with. Yeah.

But when you see a woman that has fought all of those obstacles and that she still deals with that, I think it's very infuriating and can help us process our own experiences of sexism in our daily lives. Because, yeah, when has that criticism been levied against a man like all these big podcast dudes? and authenticity is the entire reason that people love the show so much and love the both of you so much. So you're just being honest. And I guess honesty is fine when it doesn't make you feel uncomfortable.

And when it's eliciting different feelings, then you might feel differently. But I'm sorry.

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com. slash SYNC. Support for SYNC comes from Article. I have a few chairs from Article. They're outdoor chairs.

They're so comfortable. They're very sleek. I love them and I always get a lot of compliments on them. But in general, they just have incredible selection and array of both styles and types.

You pick the delivery time and they'll send you updates every step of the way, which again, I cannot stress enough how nice it is to know that your things are on the way.

I don't think people realize how much you go up against and have been going up against. And I think that's also part of the problem. That happens across the board for women, across industries, but I think that people can be sort of ignorant to that, and we all are, right? It's like these unconscious biases. There are things that only you know that other people don't.

That applies to all of us.

So I don't become like a hoe.

I feel like I literally haven't slept a full night since the presidential debate, because so much is just happening. But anyway, I go in, and I'm like, all day, I'm like, I'm going to get my massage, and then everything is going to be fine, right? Like, I'm going to be chilled out. And so I get there, and I lie down. And this man, because it's kind of a hole-in-the-wall, there's separators, but the ceiling, we like...

Okay, sorry. I'm getting my fucking stories mixed up, because this happened twice in a row. Okay, the first time, this man just snored. But, Monica, not like run-of-the-mill, like, okay, you're on an airplane, and the guy next to you just falls asleep. This was disturbing levels.

I actually was like, is he okay? So snored the entire... And then would like wake himself up, and then fall back into it. Just extremely... But at that point, I was like, okay, this can be funny.

I can make this funny and not just be mad that this ruined my massage. But like, it kind of did.

Oh, smart. I go, and then this man, another man, I'm assuming, is just expressing pleasure and also pain in a way that undisputably like, feels and sounds sexual.

But this is a thing that happens.

I mean, we are children, right? Like the first time that male sexuality was forced upon us was when every woman was a girl. And to me, it was just like, oh, wow. This guy doesn't realize how those sounds. And sometimes even like guys will do it at the gym, which again, I'm sure I'll get a ton of hate.

I think that men don't realize that those sounds, or anyway, for me, it's very like, not big T triggering, but kind of like. I get uncomfortable if it's loud and it's repeated.

And so Jenna at Bliss Soho, highly recommend her. I show up and the guy at the reception was like, Oh, just so you know, your massage therapist is visually impaired. And I think he said something of like, she'll recognize you by voice or like she'll use voice to, you know, something. And I was like, I am so excited about this. And she was incredible.

It was the best I've ever had. Like everything about the experience was so positive. And there was a redemption arc to my massage events.

So it was great. Thank you, Jenna.

What do you do? Do you leave your shit?

Or like, I can tell. there's some eye contact. And it's 2024 and men are like, afraid. I think to some extent, rationally afraid to go up to women in public. Sure.

And so I'm like, okay, I'll just do it for you. So I will often ask someone to watch my stuff. And I will zero in on the cutest person.

And we're just trusting them with our belongings. But when I do it, there's no part of me that would ever think that this person would leave with my things. But has someone ever asked someone to watch your stuff and then came back and it was gone? Has that ever happened? I don't have any anecdotal evidence to support that.

if there's a woman nearby. I would say, hey, I'm running to the bathroom. Is there any way? you could just watch my stuff super quick? And this is a real thing.

You have to teach your kids, if they're lost, to find a woman to ask. And this is the same situation to me. I can't trust any man. Also, he might read what's on my computer. I don't know.

I just don't trust it. Wow. But I always, always, and this is so... Well, first of all, I just hold the pee and I get bladder infections.

pee, walk back, hope the table's still open, and open my computer. But do the whole thing all over again. It's such a pain.

I mean, you have your purse. Yes. If I have footage, when I'm shooting my doc, I cannot lose this footage. There's no copies of it. I will leave stuff at the table or leave my sweater and my drink so that my table is preserved, but then I can take my stuff in the bathroom with me.

And they said, of course. And they pulled the drink.

you don't know it. I'm shocked.

You go in to hug someone and you just throw it in.

I'm just like, how am I going to get this guy?

Just FYI. Not that that necessarily makes a difference, but just for context. I love the show and look forward to it each week. I'm interested in your thoughts on following the election news this cycle. I'm, of course, going to vote, and I have monthly donations set up.

I used to volunteer for campaigns, but in this stage of life with two little kids, one on the way, and a full-time job, I know it's not feasible. I've always followed the news and polls so closely, but it also just causes me so much stress. Do you think it's okay to just ignore it as much as possible until Election Day? Thank you.

And obviously all of those things are great, but there's so many other versions of contributing to your community that are different from those more front-facing or, I guess, traditional ways of getting involved. And I think, reading the news, which at this point can translate as just doom scrolling. Right now, people have been saying there's hope scrolling, which I think is a definite great break from that. But yeah, like if it bleeds, it leads. So the news tends to cover things.

And again, all the algorithms that we have to talk about, all of the factors here at Play, but like there's a lot of emphasis on what's not going well. And the things that are going well, don't get as much coverage or you won't see them as much.

So I think Megan is a great example of being a citizen of the world. And what you're doing, changing depending on your circumstances and what makes you feel good, like it should feel good to be engaged. So go towards what feels good.

That was so good.

Um, okay. I'm hiding credit card debt from my husband. This is from Anonymous. Hi, ladies. I love you two so much and hope you'll help me with a really hard situation.

My husband and I have a shared account for our bills and child expenses, and we have our own accounts for personal spending. I have a credit card balance that he doesn't know about, and it's crushing me. I can't get a handle on it. I'm not overspending on myself. I don't use a credit card, but the interest rate is so high, it barely makes a difference when I make a payment.

I feel like I can't tell him about this situation, because his personal financial situation is so much better than mine. We make the same amount of money, but he somehow has savings and his packages show up every day while I'm slowly chipping away at my debt and just trying to get ahead. It's especially hard when he wants to do things like a vacation that he thinks we can afford, but I don't think I should spend money, since I don't actually have any. I'm sorry, you're in this situation. This is really tough.

My thought is to tell him, because it's driving you nuts. It's obviously weighing on you, and I think the relief you'll feel, even if the response is not fantastic, you'll feel relief that you don't have to carry this weight. But also, I think you could say, Hey, I need help. How are you doing this? Because something's not adding up here, because we make the same amount of money, and yet I'm really struggling.

Can you help? I mean, he's your husband. He's invested in the outcome here, so he should help you.

you're not supposed to ask people that.

I mean, credit card debt and just debt in general. talk about a relatable issue for so many people. And yeah, I was just in a chat last night with some people, and someone shared, oh, I'm 32, and she's a teacher. And she's like, I can't believe I have to live in my childhood bedroom. It's so embarrassing.

And then people started sharing like, I was like, I'm 37, and I have a roommate. Someone else was like, I do. And everyone was sharing different, and it was just so beautiful to kind of see her be like, oh, you guys are right. Like, it's not me, right? And so all this to say that there's a saying in 12-star programs, like we're only as healthy as our secrets.

I think that's the saying. Yeah, it is. Secrets have a way of, sometimes it's like, just because you're holding a secret, it's almost like you're confirming to yourself that it's bad. It's almost like a subconscious thing.

You don't need to say like, you need to now pay for this debt, but just advice. So how are you handling your personal finances that seem to be working? I ask so many people for advice and help all the time. You have to. We can't know everything.

We aren't taught everything. We can't know everything. So you have to ask. And again, he's invested in you and your future. And so my hope is he would love to help you and help get you guys out of this situation.

So I definitely, for so many reasons, I think you should say something. You'll feel so much better after.

I'm an anxious attachment girly in a two-year relationship with a very loving man. He is great and I feel so loved in so many ways. He gives me a lot of reassurance and there are no hard facts to believe he is cheating. However, I find myself to be in threat detection mode, on high alert of any clue that he is cheating on me. In my heart of hearts, I know he isn't.

However, there is one fact that I discovered that makes me super uncomfortable. He likes sexy pics of this one girl he follows on Instagram. They are either bikini pics or focused on her ass. Her titties are bursting out of her shirt. I would say they are objectively thirst traps.

I find myself asking myself, is it reasonable to feel uncomfortable? Would I have the same reaction if her body wasn't so curvy? Should I tell him how I feel? It makes me feel hurt and almost embarrassed because I feel like he's publicly saying, I like what I see, but we are in a committed relationship. This would essentially reveal that I am monitoring his behavior on Instagram.

I know not healthy, because I don't actually know. follow the girl myself. I know there is self-esteem work I need to do on my end, but should I tell him how I feel in the meantime?

I think we've talked about this. I don't think watching porn is a big deal, or I wouldn't take it personally, but you're not doing it in front of everybody and your girlfriend's friends, knowing what you like and what you're into and what you're consuming. I think it is so easy not to double tap on that image. And if that's too much, that's a bigger conversation. I don't think it's about, you're not allowed to find that attractive or you're not allowed to like this.

Even again, I think following Instagram models, maybe I'm too intense around this, but when I meet a guy, I immediately go to his follows on Instagram because I want to see. And again, I'm not saying I'm not going to pursue the relationship or like go on a date with a person because they follow Instagram babes, but that gives me a lot of information about them. Like we're not 22..

And I think the way you're describing it, even to us, is with a lot of understanding, compassion, acknowledgement, that maybe it's an insecurity on your end. And I think if all that is said, there's nothing he can say back. Like you acknowledge, I think I'm dealing with some insecurity here, but this really makes me uncomfortable. Let's talk about it. Yeah.

And I hope the end of that conversation is, yeah, I won't do that anymore from him. to make you feel better. I would definitely have a conversation. And I do understand feeling like, oh, now that's going to out me for doing like weird deep dives. And I'll be very honest.

I would feel like, why are you doing that? If someone said it to me, I am co-signing that that is a fear. And he could, he could be like, well, I don't like that. you were doing that. And then you can say, I know, I don't like that, I did that either.

That's a separate topic for us to talk about and for us to work through. But it's like when people find out their partner's cheating by going through their phone, which is a tricky thing, because I do think it's a big invasion of privacy to go through anyone's phone. But you can't really, when someone's confronting you and saying, I found out that you cheated, to say like, well, you went through my phone. It's like not the appropriate. It's just not going to work.

But I will say I'm not obviously in your relationship at all, but I'm also have a lot of anxiety and have been anxiously attached, like in many relationships. But I have found that very often when I look back, who I was my most anxious around, this person was for some reason unavailable, whether it was emotionally unavailable or again, had a wandering eye. Yes, we need to work on our stuff. But when your alarm bells are going off, I also think you should trust yourself. And I think, especially in this case, sometimes it's in your feed and it's showing up because you're following your boyfriend.

And so, like, you'll see these things in your feed and it's just like, okay, I didn't have to dig. I'm not going back and saying, like, you liked this photo and you know, March 13th, 2015.. Like, I also think there's something about Instagram. I mean, this is just my personal view, but Instagram is like the public space. at this point.

It's sort of like the sidewalk. To me, liking Instagram pics of like thirst traps is sort of the equivalent of walking down the street with your girlfriend and then checking out another woman while she's there. Again, you can look at thirst traps and sort of explore that media on your own time. But like Instagram is a public forum. And so I don't think women are crazy when they say it's a respect issue.

Or again, like it doesn't feel good to me because other people are seeing it. It is like the equivalent and even more so, right? Some of us spend more time on Instagram than we do on the sidewalk. So I think treating it, it's not just Instagram. It's a place where a lot of us spend a lot of time and where a lot of people are watching each other and sort of assessing each other.

And so I think there should be a lot of respect there for each other in general. Yeah.

You know, and who knows what he'll say.