Armchair Anonymous: Pooped Yourself

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous, I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Mrs. Mouse.

Hi.

This is my favorite topic. Pooped yourself, you did doodles in your pants.

You big old time pooped it.

Yeah, you didn't shit the bed, but you shit your pants.

Yeah.

Or, I guess there was, not everyone was wearing pants.

There was a bed shit, though.

Yeah, yeah, you're right. I guess it was apropos. Easter egg. Yeah, foreshadowing. I'm inclined to say, if you got this far, then you're going to be fine.

Yeah, I think this is one you can listen to.

This is old-fashioned poop in your pants. Yeah. You know, so if you can handle that.

If you made it through last week, you can handle anything.

Right, and they may not have and they were advised not to, so I guess welcome back. Please enjoy Poop Yourself.

Hard times, come and go. Good times, take them slow. My life, I had them both. Remember one thing, you gotta know. I'ma keep on shining.

Pooped Yourself, great. We like this prompt. Austin's a good name. It's a great city. Austin, Texas.

Sucks.

What'd you say?

He thinks it's a boy.

Oh, no, Austin would be a cute girl name.

We like boys guests for Armchair Anonymous.

That's true.

If you weren't farther between.

Hello.

Hi. Is this Austin?

This is, Austin, how you doing?

Wonderful, how are you?

I'm good, it's so good to see you guys.

Have you ever met a female Austin?

Actually, back in the school where this takes place, there was a couple of them, but not since then.

Nice. There were a couple?

Yeah, you know, it's funny. I was always told I was named after that song, if this is Austin. I only realized when I was like 20. that song came out way after I was born.

Yeah, I was like, that's not an old song at all.

Yeah, it's total bullshit.

Yeah. Okay, so tell us about the time and place that this Hootie in Your Pants story occurred.

Okay, so it takes place in New Orleans, Louisiana, where I grew up.

Could we agree, probably per capita, more pants shitting happening there than almost anywhere in the country?

I can only speak for myself, but it's up there in my life.

Okay.

So this probably takes place 2004, 2005.

Okay, Mandy.

I was a really, really hyperactive kid. So I had a very strict teacher who, everything was really intense. I'd sit still at my desk. I had to pay attention while I'm having it. But the one area that was kind of lax was, let's go to the bathroom.

Yeah, freak out a bit in the stall.

Yeah, just touch stuff I'm not supposed to touch, be where I'm not supposed to be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I cried wolf a lot. Eventually, it caught up to me. So one day, it hits me. I'm sitting at my desk. I actually do have to go to the restroom.

She's like, no.

Oh, boy. Go, sit down. I'm not letting you go. And I was like, man, okay. And you know how these things go.

Mandy herself was dealing with some stuff.

It's almost worse than no, you're going to get to go.

It really is. It's like, have you ever seen your house, and you're going to have to go to the restroom, and then the feeling becomes so much more urgent?

It's just like that. Yes, knowing that you are just this restroom, pass away.

Minutes away.

Is maybe some false hope for your balance.

I'm already mad at Mandy.

No, she did nothing wrong. I think she was out there, in good faith, using the restroom. So, as soon as I sit back down at my desk, I realize immediately, I'm not going to make it. I kind of started thinking about my options. This wave of calm kind of came over me, because I had what I thought was like a pretty full-proof plan.

Jeff Gordon, NASCAR, here we go.

24, baby. And I'm thinking about it, and I'm like, okay, my plan is, I'm going to relieve myself at my desk, very quietly, and then I'm going to get up, I'm going to tie my big jacket around my waist, so no one can see the bulge in the back of my pants. I'm going to get the hall pass, I'm going to go to the bathroom, mix the underwear, the poop, come back, and just stride back into class. No one's going to know.

Bob's, your uncle, you're now raw dog in your jeans, but who will know and who cares?

Did I miss, how old are you?

At the time, I'm 11.

Sure, sure.

Yeah, and also young enough that this plan's going to work out. Exactly. Because are you not thinking, you're also going to pee your pants when you poop, presumably, or I would. Really?

I don't remember urine being a factor here. It certainly doesn't factor into the story. Not to say I didn't dribble in my pants a little bit, but nothing that I can remember.

Okay.

So, the plan foolproof, the execution lacking, come to find out. I can see Mandy coming down the hallway through the glass in the door, and so I lean forward, I relieve myself at my desk, probably more obvious than I was at the time.

Also, really quick, you see, Mandy, I'm thinking now we'll go back to plan A, go to the toilet. But no, you were married to now, plan B.

I thought there was no problems, no holes. I was like, we're already here. I'm still not going to make it to the bathroom. I figured the timing was right. I relieve myself.

There's no question for her. You have defecated in your clothing.

100%. So I came up with this plan, knowing it was going to be pretty firm. coming out. You can feel these things. What I didn't factor in was, while I was waiting and bopping around, I compressed it into a pretty small little baseball in my shorts.

Oh, no, like a snowball?

Oh, my God.

Like a snowball. I'm talking like back of the ankle.

Oh, and you didn't feel it.

I could feel it shifting around, but I don't know if I was eyes on the prize, but it was just the groans and everyone being horrified in the class. That's what chewed me off, that I had just taken a crap on the floor in front of 30 kids.

Oh, it wasn't the smell. I thought that everyone was reacting to the smell. No, the physicality of a poop explosion. Of the visual.

Yeah.

It rolled down my leg and exploded on the carpet, and everyone thought I was right in front of the class.

Wait, were you wearing shorts?

No.

Oh, so they saw the leg roll. I'm really mad at your teacher. I hope she feels like shit.

But he was abusing the privilege.

I know, but it doesn't matter. When it's bathroom, you can't do that.

I was definitely taking advantage.

You're being very nice. It's true.

I remember. they put me in these big oversized, you know, like adult-sized sweatpants they make you wear for the rest of the day. They had to bring in some janitor who doesn't make enough money, by the way, and I had to wash or clean up the species on the floor. And I begged to be taken out of school by my mom. She was like, absolutely not.

Weird.

And so I was like, man, wouldn't it be funny if I send her the poop emoji and be like, hey, don't you remember that? I sent it to her, and I was promptly unfriended.

Oh, she did not think that was.

Very good.

Wow. All the women in this story suck. The teacher, your mom, Mandy.

Well, I guess it says a lot to your recovery from the episode that you, years later, feel confident enough to send her the poop emoji.

Yeah, I thought she would think it's funny. But now that I know she unfriended me after, I think maybe she didn't remember who I was. And then, as soon as she saw it, she was like, oh, yeah, never mind.

Well, yeah, there's a couple things. One was like she didn't remember that you did that. Yeah, and this is like, what a juvenile thing to send. Another thing would be like, this guy, like, staring at me, shit in front of me. And now he's sending me, this guy loves poop.

Oh, my God.

Like, now it's not even an accident. Now she goes back in time and says like, oh, he forced himself. He has a kink. Yeah, it's a kink.

Yeah, well, hopefully this gives her some closure. Because from her perspective, I guess, she came back to class and some kid had just taken a dump in front of everybody.

Oh, my Lord. Did anyone call you any bad names or anything afterwards? Or did it blow over?

It blew over eventually. I don't remember any bullying from it. But it was hanging in the air, for, I would imagine, a week or two after. Oh, damn.

Yeah, because I think in my school, you would have never heard the end of that. I think you would have been a senior and there'd be still a nickname.

Okay, for any parents out there who have kids who poop their pants.

Pull them out of school.

Well, first of all, yes. Change schools.

Move towns.

Secondly, now you can point to Austin, because Austin turned out very well. We can tell.

Yeah, he's very cute, confident, nice smile.

Exactly. Thank you, guys. So you can grow up and still have a fine life.

Yeah, absolutely. Maybe even thrive.

Maybe even. Maybe even. It all worked out. Robby here. I love the show.

Oh, thank you. Really quick, one last question. Did they evacuate, pun intended, the classroom once the pootie was on the floor?

No, we all stood there and watched the dude's oil stack. clean it up.

Oh, my God. No one knows what they're doing.

So many mistakes.

Yeah, because if I'm an innocent bystander, I'm like, I don't need to sit in this room with a live shit while we wait for Gail to come down with the mop. Also carpet.

Carpet.

Fuck. They're scrubbing.

Yeah, this is rough.

Oh, well, thank you, Austin. Yeah, thanks for sharing. Yeah, really appreciate it. Great meeting you.

Great to meet you guys.

All right, take care, brother.

Kid ones are hard. I'm just mad at everyone else.

I understand. They're so innocent. Yeah. They don't know what they're doing. They come up with plans like, just poop your pants.

In your shorts.

Yeah, shorts, no less. He had so much confidence in the tightness of those whiteys.

Unfortunately, they're much looser than people think.

Also, I can't believe he was so bold that it was not going to get loose. Because sometimes you do have a very robust log, but then just on the backside of that.

Well, exactly.

He didn't know yet.

But also, they shouldn't call it tidy whiteys, because that's why kids like him can get confused.

Loosey whiteys. All right, let's talk to Chantel. Chantel. Chantel. Chauncey.

I don't know that.

Oh, yeah, that song.

That's what they're saying?

I think so. Chauncey. Chauncey. Hello. Hi.

Oh, my God, you guys are so beautiful.

Oh, come now. You're so beautiful. Are you in the Midwest?

I'm in Ontario, Canada. We love our names.

I mean, look, that's kind of the Midwest.

Yeah. My geography is not good.

You're on the same longitude as Michigan-ish, and we call that the Midwest.

But that's not a geography issue. on your end. No. No one says Ontario's in the Midwest. You're right.

But I was just really looking at the architecture of the window behind you, and it looked very Michigan.

We live actually in a small town between Ottawa and Kingston. So the house was built in the 70s. Like, it's very groovy.

A lot of wood.

And brick, believe it or not.

I love wood and brick.

Remember when four sides brick was huge?

What's four sides brick?

Oh, maybe that was a suburban thing. But if your house was four sides brick, you'd pay extra for that.

Instead of brick up front and then, like, aluminum siding in back.

One side brick.

Just forward-facing brick.

Do you know about that?

No. Do you, Chantal?

Yeah, our entire house is all brick.

Oh, lucky. But do you know this term, four side brick? No.

No. Yes, four sided brick.

You know it, but us three don't know it.

Okay, well, you didn't grow up in the suburbs.

Maybe it's not a Midwest thing.

Probably not a Midwest thing.

Yeah, the three of you are all Midwest, so. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And how'd you end up with such a name from Ontario?

Oh, my God. My dad would be mortified, but I have to tell that story. Yes. So, my dad had a crush on a girl that came from Quebec. Her name was Chantal.

Oh, no.

Busted. So, I'm named after his crush.

Okay, so, that was an embarrassing story for your father, but now we're going to transition into one for you.

Yeah, he also partakes in this, too.

Oh, dad's everywhere.

He's male, so, sure.

It actually happened about a year ago. My son was six months old, and I didn't actually, like, venture out very much to places, unless I was, like, walking. And I decided today was the day I was going to drive to the grocery store. The grocery store's about five to three minutes away, depending on traffic. And load him up, I finish my morning coffee, give it its grace period, make it to the grocery store, pull in.

Time really slows down, like a car accident.

And you're trying to, like, not sweat. And I'm just like, oh, my God. And not be rude either, because I'm like, this isn't the lady's issue. This is mine. And so, we finish up, and I wheel the cart, and I know that the cart and my son and I will all fit.

Oh. He said, I'm so sorry.

And I was like, okay, yeah, great. So, I, like, turn the cart around, and at this point, I am praying to the butthole gods that we can hold it in till I leave the grocery store.

Oh, a foot away from freedom.

That doesn't happen. Oh. I barely make it to the doors, and I'm wearing leggings. And so, it just starts coming out of me like molten lava. Oh.

Okay.

I look down, and there is a fucking goiter. Like, it's just a massive mound of poo on the side of my leg in the leggings.

Oh, like a balloon.

Goiter's an interesting choice.

Inside, though, in the leg. Yeah.

It's not a balloon. It's a solid piece of poo.

Oh.

Oh, my God. It's a growth on my leg at this point. Okay.

And where has it landed? on your leg, on the back of your thigh, the inner thigh, the upper thigh?

Right above my knee. So, at this point, like, as I'm walking to the car, I'm still shitting. Oh. As it's coming out, it's pushing down, for whatever reason, on my left side. And this goiter is, like, blocking it, so it's, like, building up.

Oh, my.

Get to the car. I put my son in, who is kind of, like, starting to pick up on my emotions.

Very intuitive.

Oh, my God. He is. So, I put my groceries in the car, and I'm like, okay, what am I going to do? So, I have cloth seats in my car, so I grab a reusable grocery bag, put it on the seat, and all of a sudden, another wind of, like, shit hits me, and it just starts coming through. I don't even know what I ate from the day before.

Can I ask one detailed question? At any point, do you surrender the fact you're shitting your pants and push? Because I could imagine you're like, well, damage is done. I'm going to push and get the rest out.

So, there was no pushing, but there literally was the moment of when I was like, oh, well, how bad can this get? And...

It kept getting worse.

It did.

Can I throw another? Just, this is a public service announcement. Don't forget about your floor mats, guys. The backside of your floor mats are always rubber, so you can always pop those on your seat in case you have a doody in your pants or yarn.

That's smart. But I like what you did with the bag.

It's good, but a rubber barrier is really nice in this situation.

Yeah, yeah. It would make sense, because, like, the poo, as it was coming out, was kind of, like, slipping off of the top of the bag, so it was not even worth it. So, absolutely, Dax, that makes total sense.

Okay, great.

So, I'm driving. I call my husband. He's in a meeting, but maybe he'll answer, so I call. It's an emergency!

Chantel, why do we have to call your husband in a meeting? Like, what the fuck is he gonna do? You just are excited to tell him.

No, no. You sound like him.

Like, he can't help in any way.

It's your person. I know, like, it's a long shot in the dark. Like, you're not coming home, but I need to tell someone, so I call him. And he's like, hey, honey, what's wrong? And I was like, I just shit my pants.

You gotta reenter potentially a public space. Yeah.

So, thankfully, I called my parents, who actually lived in the same apartment building. Here comes Dad.

He said, you are not living up to your name, Chantel. No.

So, I call my mom, and I'm like, hey, I just shit my pants. And she's like, okay. And I was like, can you come down and grab the groceries and your grandson and just help me render the situation? And she's like, yeah, of course, but we're not at the building. And I was like, oh, great.

And then she hung up the phone.

They sprang into action.

This is what the husband should have done.

He was at work, Monica.

His work isn't as important.

Monica, I love you.

You're going to hit your femoral artery.

Yeah.

You can, with a power washer, tear your skin. Just another PSA. The second one.

Okay. So, it is true. So, because I was like, is this true? Like, I don't know. So, I'm staring at the settings.

And your game plan at this point is you're going to drop trowel at this coin-operated car, wash. And be nude from the waist down and spray all the doody off of yourself.

Yeah. For whatever reason, it took my brain a really long time to get to that. Because I'm afraid I'm going to cut myself. I have my yoga pants still on, like my leggings. And I'm just squeegeeing the poo.

It's a very big load.

So, you're just smashing it into your leg.

I am. It was literally the most disgusting thing. And I'm like, what is happening right now? What is happening?

Why didn't you just go into your house? I don't understand.

I was afraid to walk through the apartment with someone seeing me.

Oh, wow. So afraid. And she'd have to be carrying her child.

No, the mom at this point is there. So, I feel like at this point—.

Well, mom's not there yet, is she?

No. So, at this point, I drop my trousers.

And you're in public.

I'm in public.

Which is somehow better than walking through the apartment. I know, I know. The brain is a tricky place.

I'm wild. I'm looking around, and I'm like, oh, my God, what am I going to do? And then I look up, and my parents have come in. Just absolute saving grace. My dad gets out of the car, and he's wearing this bright orange shirt.

You're a baby now because you pooped your pants.

You pooped your pants, too.

My mom takes my son, and my dad comes around, and he's like, what do you need me to do? And I was like, at this point, I have no change. He's like, I have change. How much is it? I was like, $3..

I can't believe you guys are committing to the car wash. Everyone's going to see this through. Yeah, yeah. They just jump right into the bad plan. Yeah.

And he goes, what setting do you want? His hand goes out, and he's like, just give me the thing. So, I hand over the pole, and he takes it, and I turn around, and he starts pressure, washing my 32-year-old ass.

You know what I got to throw out, too? What's really great is, this is so telling of children and parents, which is like, you have your pants down, and you're spraying poop off yourself, yet you're embarrassed for them that they're in orange. Like, this would happen to me, too. They'd pull up to me and be like, oh my god, how embarrassing. You're actively nude in public, spraying poop off yourself, but somehow you still have the high ground.

Yeah, you have the cool high ground.

But actually, when I was retelling this story, I realized, too, that I am so grateful that I could actually call my parents to help me. One of my girlfriends was like, my dad would never see me buck naked. But without hesitation, they both were like, what do you need? It was so beautiful to see. I was very thankful, but also extremely embarrassed.

Yeah, it's kind of life-affirming. Yeah. And I would certainly spray my daughters off at any age if they had...

You've made it clear that you'll do that.

Yeah, I'm the guy to call for that.

Yeah, for sure.

Do you just pull your leggings back up once all the spraying's done?

Oh, no, sorry. I should mention that. So I took the grocery bag off the seat, put my disgusting pants, my shoes, and literally hand it to my dad. And he takes it like a mob boss and drops it in the garbage and gets back in the truck. And my mom literally looks at me and she goes, you don't have any pants on.

Kind Bob. How are you?

And I was like, hey. And he's like, look at you. Like, look at the baby. And I'm just like, this is the most uncomfortable situation. And it was like, as soon as he walked up to me, he could smell like the look on his face.

Oh, he cut it short.

Yeah.

But you also had a baby.

I would just blame it on. It's like. the obvious thing is that the baby obviously pooped.

And they have as well.

I mean, in solidarity. Yeah.

Wow. It is funny when you're in a situation like that, to become hostile at someone's kindness. It's such a unique feeling when you're like, oh my God, not fucking time to be nice to me.

You're like the goiter in my pants.

The goiter.

I get up to the apartment. And my dad's already put away my groceries. And I hop in the shower. And, Monica, I can confirm that I got in, asked to the water, and was like, just clean me. So I figured you needed to know that.

I do. Research.

So it was asked to the water, tears, laughter. And then I got out. And finally, my husband came home that night. And I told him the final ending of the story. And he goes, you know, they have cameras at these things.

No one's ever watching those cameras, unless there's a murder there, and they go review it. So I was on your husband's side when you called him in the meeting. And now I'm not on his side for this reaction. Exactly. He should have been comforting you.

Thank you for sharing that.

It was your whole morning, really. It wasn't just isolated. It became a whole adventure.

It was absolutely insane.

I bet the whole family felt closer, though, after that. Yeah. All right. Wonderful meeting you, Chantel. Bye.

Thanks, guys.

Hello.

Hi. How are you guys?

Hi there. Oh, yeah. We can hear you perfectly. And you're a big, A, little a R-O-N. So I immediately feel comfortable.

Of course.

Cute shirt.

Do you like that?

Yes.

I like it.

Armchair-y shirt for the listener.

I don't think it's an official one.

We're not haters. Whatever it takes. Okay, Aaron. Tell us a little bit about yourself. Tell us what happened, where, and when.

So I work for a car company in Southern California. And I was out on a business trip back east. We were meeting with another car company that tests cars for us. Basically, I had a half-day meeting with them. And they were nice enough to provide lunch at the end of this meeting.

I've never been double-crossed by a Reuben, by the way. I've had them all over the place. I didn't know that was something we got to watch out for. Maybe the sauerkraut was tainted.

It's possible. So we left this meeting. And since this company drives the roads around that area, we thought it would be a good idea, since our cars were evaluated on those roads, that we would go out and drive those roads. So we were out driving for maybe like an hour. Then everybody wanted to have a wrap-up meeting, you know, to discuss everything that happened.

You're outside. You're telling yourself, we're outside.

Ten more minutes go by. I'm pretty uncomfortable at this point. I kind of abruptly get up from the table. I'm like, I'm not feeling well, guys. And I start to get into panic mode of, what am I going to do here?

Oh, no.

I'm trying to figure out what to do. I'm kind of panicking.

Can I ask quickly, are there woods close enough that you could go find some privacy? Okay. You're not in a five-acre, flat, grassy field, luckily.

Luckily, no. I did make my way to the woods, though. As I was making my way to the woods, I saw this doggy bag that was used on the ground. Oh!

Oh!

Picked up the doggy bag.

Wow.

Wow. Great.

I'm going for all the resources I can at this point. Oh, my God.

Yeah.

This is our brain in panic mode.

Least bad choice at all times.

Oh, even if it's the worst bad choice, you'll do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I need options at this point.

Oh, my God.

So, I'm not quite to the woods yet, and everything happens. I'm fully shitting my pants. Oh.

Are you wearing khakis? You're on a business trip?

Yeah, they're khakis, but I'm wearing boxer briefs, so things are pretty well contained.

Oh, that's a blessing.

I still have to deal with this, though, so I still keep going into the woods, get behind the biggest tree I could find, and I start taking off all my clothes. So, take off my shoes, take off my socks, take off the pants, take off the underwear, clean up as best as I can with the good side of the underwear, throw the pants back on.

Did you consider taking off a sock? Because I've had to do that. Oh. Socks always are great. Another public service announcement.

I hadn't considered that, but it would have been good to. So, then I threw my clothes back on, so I was no longer naked in front of my coworkers. behind the tree, threw the nasty underwear into the doggie bag.

Was it tied up?

It wasn't. Someone had just kind of discarded it.

Mixed messages. Conscientious enough to bring a bag, but then leave it behind. On the ground, open. Very confusing.

Well, as I mentioned, there did not appear to be a trash can. Right. So, they may have wanted to, but didn't want to bring it in their car with them.

Now you're in this situation.

Oh, I just left it behind. Okay. So, now I emerged from the trees. The meeting is clearly breaking up. now.

Oh, fuck. This is so bad.

It gets worse. Oh. Oh, no.

Okay.

The second thing is that we're still a long way from anywhere. And the third thing is that this is definitely not over yet. Oh.

No.

Oh, no. God, I thought the worst of it had happened.

I thought the doggy bag was going to be the pinnacle.

I tell my boss, I say, I need to get to a bathroom. We're driving to get back to civilization. And once we get back to civilization, I'm like, okay, there's a Dunkin' Donuts. East Coast staple. They'll have a bathroom, no problem.

Again, again, again.

Oh, no.

And you didn't even have any underwear.

And khakis.

No underwear.

This is terrible. Oh, fuck.

Luckily, there was no one in the bathroom.

Oh, God. They're all in the car. Any, like, fantasies you had of promotions and leading a team. Like, they're all evaporating real time. You're just like, okay, I'm now this guy at the company.

You're like, I guess I have to quit.

Get a new job. Get a new career.

So, I cleaned up and I went back out to the car. And now I smell, like, even worse shit. Oh, wait. I had to go into the trunk. And luckily, we were going to another hotel that night.

You never, ever pass over a bag.

Exactly. And I learned you never pass over a bathroom anymore either. I go and I get changed. And I throw the pants into the produce bag, double bag it. I go back out to the car and get into the car.

Another explanation.

So, now we drive to this hotel, which is another 20 minutes away. Get to the hotel. And we're getting all our crap out of the car. Now they're like, okay, let's lock up the car. And it's now that I realize that I can't lock the car.

This is epic.

Making every wrong move.

But I had the bag at least.

Okay. Yeah. So, you crack that open. You dig around in there. You get the keys.

So, I had to go into the bathroom there. Got the keys out. Locked the car up. A couple of side notes. One is that the next day we actually went back out to the same route again.

I think I would have said that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Let some air out? Yes.

And they were really inconvenienced by this.

Oh, my God. Yeah. They added an hour to their day, I'm sure. They were like trying to hit that hotel bar. Exactly.

Oh, my God.

Do you still work for the same company?

I do. This was about a year ago.

Does it ever get brought up?

No. They're only going to find out because of this.

Okay.

Nothing was ever said between me and the two other guys, including my boss. Just that passing comment.

They sat with a smile.

I know. That's what I'm saying. There's a lot here.

Everyone went through a lot that day.

But don't you think, this is all in retrospect, no one can know what it's like when you're in this situation, but I feel like I would have been like, can you guys ride with somebody else back because I'm having an issue? Wouldn't that be a good plan?

Was there enough cars to accommodate that kind of shuffle?

Yeah, but we were all going to different places. It wasn't really practical.

I feel like I would have volunteered to ride in the trunk. That's how codependent I am. I think I would have been like, either find me a motorcycle or let me in the trunk.

I'm going to hitchhike home. I'll figure out my way.

You guys just get out of here. I would rather have to walk 100 miles than to sit with you guys in my shame.

Oh, wow.

Oh, Aaron, you survived. You went through it. Congratulations. You really got tested.

One other quick side note is that the very next day, the Aerometry Anonymous was, I pooped myself at work. No. I've been waiting over a year for a poop prompt.

And was that comforting to hear that the next day? Like, yeah, I'm just one of the guys or gals.

It did feel comforting, but it was also very ironic.

And triggering.

Oh, Lord.

Thanks for sharing.

Yeah.

Yeah, thank you.

All right, take care. Bye. You know, whenever we do these prompts, it just brings up so many of my poop stories.

Yeah, my own personal. I had diarrhea the other day. You did. Not in my pants.

Not in your pants.

That's the key.

I guess that's the point.

I was thinking when he was in the field, I know I've told you this, but we were up at the Shark Tank in San Jose doing some kind of a car show. We're in this field. I've used the bathroom before. I'm going to shit myself. I cross this park.

How do you know? You saw poop?

I saw poop right next to the tree. Oh, my God. And I was like, okay, this happens.

And you used cotton balls all over?

I don't remember if I saw use cotton balls, but I left a pile of cotton balls behind. Because, wiping your butt with cotton balls, you need to use so many cotton balls.

So many.

Yes. And I did. And I littered, and I'm sorry. It's okay. I was so panicked and desperate.

That makes sense, the cotton ball thing. It's still like, ew. You can't overthink it. But the dog poop bag is really desperate.

I thought, when he first said he was grabbing the dog poop bag, that he was intending to go poop in it.

Yeah, exactly. And make a double poop on top of the dog.

No, just poop in the outdoors. That's okay. Once in a while. We can't have everyone doing it, but the force can absorb the occasional emergency. That's right.

This is a very educational program.

Yeah. All right.

Here's Beth.

Hi.

Hello.

It is so nice to see you guys.

Nice to meet you. Where are you at, Beth?

I am in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Ooh.

Oh, that's where you.

I know it well. Well, Memphis, but nearby.

People might not know this, but Chattanooga, very good conversion van industry down there.

I did not know that.

It's best that you've had no experience with conversion vans, to be honest. Okay, so you had an accident. What time and place did this happen?

Okay. This story takes place on the day that I got married.

Oh, no.

This was back in 2012.

Sure. How much did you drink?

Actually, none. So that wasn't a factor. So I was just thinking, you know, this will go away. It's fine. It doesn't.

Oh, no.

The first room or two in, I'm like, okay, I'm really not feeling good. I start sweating again. I'm getting clammy. I'm like, I need a bathroom. So I have to, like, interrupt her.

Oh, no.

We thought it had skipped us. It clearly had not.

Well, that's better than the alternative, which is you all ate the same food and everyone's been poisoned at your wedding.

The whole wedding is food poisoning.

That was kind of our first thought. And then we're like, no, that's not it. We actually spend the whole entire first night of our honeymoon at the ER. That's actually where I found out that I have a bad reaction to Phenergan. So interesting way to find that out.

What's Phenergan?

Phenergan, it's an anti-nausea medication. Makes me a little bit crazy.

What version of crazy? Just, antsy and uncomfortable?

Restless legs. I could not stay still. Ben was trying to sleep in the chair next to me. I kept like flailing and hitting him in the face.

Oh, my God. He's like, this is the rest of my life.

Yeah, it was awful. So they discharge us in perfect amount of time to be able to get to the airport to fly to the Dominican Republic. We get to the airport. We fly to the Dominican. I'm still feeling not great.

Really quick, not to embarrass you, but no diarrhea, yet. It's just vomit.

No diarrhea. yet. This is all northward explosion. We get to our room. It's later on in the evening.

I love how many times you've said white daybed. Yeah, I love it. Really good story to tell. The foreshadowing is a yes. It's really good.

It might mean nothing. So I'm feeling kind of sexy, you know. I put on this lingerie. It's a black teddy with an open back. I'm feeling it.

And it's backless. Let's remember.

There's nothing going on under there. We start drifting off to sleep. And I feel this little urge to fart. Sure. And we're at this point in our relationship where we haven't farted in front of each other yet.

Even though you're married.

Some couples don't do that.

Yeah.

No judgment. Just interest. Shock.

Shock and awe.

That has changed. We're laying there. I make sure that he's asleep right before I let this fart go. He's asleep. I'm like, okay, I'm good.

Oh, my God.

All over his private parts.

His groin area.

Oh yeah.

Oh, covering shit.

We would never even be so audacious to have a prompt of tell us the time you've shit on someone's penis and balls.

I love this so much. I'm screaming at this point. Oh. And Ben wakes up to the screaming. He's still kind of in a stupor, you know, like he was dead asleep.

I pooped. I pooped.

Like just yelling it as loud as I can.

Hotel security is going to come.

Ben fully realizes what happened. And he looks down and he's laying in this pool of poo. Then he starts yelling. So we're both yelling on this rooftop terrace. We finally calm ourselves down.

Yeah, of course. Of course he does.

The interesting thing about this room is that we actually had two bathrooms. But over the course of the first 24 hours, the second toilet stopped working. So we were fighting each other for the one bathroom. Our days consisted of us taking long walks down to the beach. And I say long because we'd have to stop at all the bathrooms on the way.

This could have been a part of the bad honeymoon. prompt. Yeah.

True. Yes. That is how our honeymoon literally went down the toilet.

Oh, my God. Had everyone cleared through it by the end of the trip? Or did you guys return home with him still battling it?

So our honeymoon was five days, and it took the full five days. Oh, God. I don't know what kind of virus this was, but it was like Montezuma's revenge. I have never had anything like this before. Some of our family members, they were supposed to be flying back home from our wedding.

Kind of also a loving story. It's sweet. It is.

There's something about it? I find very sweet.

The daybed's trashed, though, right? I mean, how good of a job. He didn't have a power washer or bleach.

He just threw some pool water.

Oh, okay.

Resourceful. I'm hoping they sanitized that stuff, but I guess I don't know.

Oh, Monica's biggest fear. I know. Wow. That's a great story.

Thank you. You guys are my favorite. I've been an armchair-y since literally day one. My husband and I both have, and I was wondering if I could introduce you to my husband and my son.

This valiant man. Yes, of course. Let's get him in.

Okay, Ben, come on in, if you can hear me. We were at the armchair live in Nashville, and it was on that trip. we actually decided we wanted to have kids. Previously, we decided we didn't. So when we were trying to figure out names for our son, we chose Shepard and named him Shepard after you.

Oh, my God.

That is so sweet. I'm welling up.

He kind of looks like you, Dax.

Hi there.

Poor little buddy. He broke his femur a couple weeks ago. So he's in a full FICA cast. It's like full body.

You're a nurse, I'm gathering? Yes. Trampoline?

Bouncy house.

Bouncy house. They take him down, yeah.

You were just talking about bouncy houses. I was saying they're dangerous.

Can you say hi?

Hi, buddy. Oh, he's a rascal. I can see. Hey, well done, cleaning up that day bed with the pool water. Roll up your sleeves.

I wasn't at that point. Ring was on my finger. That's right.

That's right. For better or worse. And started with the worse.

Through sickness and health, we really proved that one out of the gate.

Oh, that's so good.

Well, it's such a pleasure to meet such a beautiful family.

Thank you. It is so nice to meet you guys. We love y'all. I hope you have a great rest of your day. Oh, thank you.

Bye.

Bye, Shepard. Ah, he's a rascal.

I knew it.

Oh, my God.

He's so cute.

Oh, my God. That guy was hot.

I know.

Also.

That's like your fantasy. I know.

That honeymoon.

That's what I was thinking.

That's what I was literally thinking.

Ah, you'd have been so horny. Oh, my God.

You wouldn't even clean the bed up. No, I don't roll around in the bed. Leave it.

You would have looked at him and said, your turn.

It was really fun. We can't do it every time. I mean, I know you do all the time.

Right now, it seems like we're doing it yearly, but I think we could handle semi-annually. Is that the word or fly?

I think we're doing it more than yearly, personally.

I think we had been doing it like every other month at first.

Yeah.

And we burned out and ran out of places to poop.

Well, we're back, baby. We're back. So, buckle up for maybe twice a year. Yeah. They're so good.

They're great.

Nothing enacts my sense of empathy more. When they start seeing their hands are sweating and stuff. I am there.

Me too.

More than any of these other stories.

Yeah.

It was fun. All right. Love you. Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song.

Oh.

Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions. And with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions.