Jay Shetty: The Rules for Falling in Love and Not Fucking It Up (FBF) [VIDEO]

Jay Shetty, welcome to Call Her Daddy.

So I'm so happy to have you here now at my studio, keeping the comfortable vibe.

And then, let's talk about this, school didn't teach us how to fall in love. It didn't teach us how to find people. It didn't teach us how to keep love. Our parents may have struggled. Most people didn't see a great example.

If you did, you're extremely fortunate. So we didn't have a good example at home. And then, when you look at your friends and family members, you see a lot of dysfunction. And so I wanted to study all of that. I wanted to look within the dysfunctions I've had in my own life and then go, okay, how do we actually give people a guidebook, a map, and not tell them how to do it and what to do?

perfectly, but give them everything they need to think about along the way.

We've all done that. And here's what happens when you get into a relationship because you're scared of being alone. The first thing that happens is you settle for less than you deserve. The second thing that happens is you become more dependent on them. And the third thing that happens because of the first two is you are so scared of breaking up with them.

You struggle to break up with that person, which is the core of your question. And the reason for that, and we have to dive into why that happens. When I get to the question of how do you break up with someone when you know they're not right for you, we have to go backwards and look at how we ended up there. We ended up there because society makes you feel less than when you're lonely. If you went to school and you had a birthday party and no one showed up, you were the loner.

If you sat alone at the lunch table at school, you were the weirdo. If you're in your 20s or 30s, or maybe even 40s, and you turn up at a wedding without a plus one, it's like, oh, poor you. And so society's made being alone the victim. And so somehow that's gone inside our minds and we've gone, oh, wait a minute. If I leave this person, that reflects on my self-worth.

And what I want people to understand is the difference between compatibility and self-worth. You may be incompatible with someone, but that doesn't mean that that's a reflection of your self-worth. And so we need to disconnect the idea that just because this person's not right for me doesn't mean I'm bad.

the sexiest thing about someone is if you can be good on your own, you're going to attract better energy because you are an independent, fully formed human being. that's not, then, attaching yourself to someone else just because you're trying to fill a void or a need. Throughout the book, you use your own love story with your wife, Roddy, as a reference point for the reader. Where were you at in your life when you met your wife, and how did you grapple with being alone prior to finding your person?

I'm $25,000 in debt. I don't have a job. And I'm trying to craft this thing to her that I'm really cool and I have it and I know what I'm doing. And so what I'm doing is I'm tutoring kids on the side, like students, making like 20 pounds an hour from teaching economics to a student at university or college, saving up to pay for our dates and then trying to pull off the most expensive, epic, show-off 18-year-old dates that I thought were impressive. And so I took her to La Candela Cattelli, which is like this Michelin star, like David Beckham, goes there.

It's in London. I couldn't afford it. to save my life. I like save up everything I possibly can to book a table there. You can never get a reservation.

I took her to see Wicked in theater, like saving up for that. So I'm saving up like literally my 20 pound an hour student payments to pay for a date. And I'm realizing what am I doing? And the best thing was my wife came to all these things, and now I know, obviously I know her, we've been together for 10 years, but at the time I didn't know, I thought that's what women want.

What would you naturally want to give this person? And what kind of experience would you want?

And because I thought that's what relationships were value based on, I was devaluing myself. And I think we all do that, right? Like we. just, we find another way to find one of our own inadequacies and devalue ourselves. And that's the thing, we're trying to devalue who we are and value what we think the other person will value.

And that paradox, like that challenge, ends up making you move so far away from who you are that actually that person could have fell in love with that. And I think I feel the opposite now. And it's really interesting where, and I'm sure you've gone through some form of this, but I found that as I became more externally successful, I wanted my wife to validate my external success. So every time I'd win an award, I'd be like, look what I did. Like, look how cool this is.

Or like when we did something big, I'd be like, love me for this. Like, please appreciate me for this. And luckily I have a wife who humbles me in every possible way and just doesn't care. And I started to realize that actually, my wife loves me for who I am. And I should just see that as the greatest truth and accept that rather than constantly trying to get.

Who are you? What do you need in a relationship? That's when you're going to attract someone. that then's going to be a great partner for you. You wrote in your book, in solitude, we practice giving ourselves what we need before we expect it from someone else.

People determine how to treat us in large part by observing how we treat ourselves. A relationship with someone else won't cure your relationship with yourself. Can you give us an example of like, how do people negatively talk to themselves, and how does that impact then? how they're going to?

When you have something to say, you remain silent. So you're constantly like suppressing your own voice. And now what you don't realize is that you've created a persona for that person to fall in love with. And if that person falls in love with that persona, now you've got to act and perform for the rest of your life, right? Exhausting.

Exhausting. Or, chances are, they don't like that person because they would have liked you. But now you've started to think there's even more inadequacies in you. So I think what ends up happening is, I think we've just been made to believe that there are certain things that people are attracted to. And there are certain things that people are not.

And I think, when you play that game, you run the risk of not being attracted to yourself anymore. And I think that that's the most dangerous thing.

And so you are devaluing yourself in their eyes. And the only way that people are going to then all of a sudden start to treat you as an equal or what your worth is, especially in romantic relationships, is if you carry yourself in the way that you want to be treated and you actually can see yourself, but you can't get there unless you actually do the work. I've done a few episodes talking about how our relationship with our parents and our siblings has so much influence on our behaviors and our life. course. I love that these two lines are literally in bold in your book.

You write, this is so fucking smart. I love this part. If there is a gap in how our parents raised us, we look to others to fill it. And if there is a gift in how our parents raised us, we look to others to give us the same, which I immediately, I mean, there's so many gaps and there's so many, obviously gifts that my parents gave me, but like just a personal note, I was fortunate. My parents are still very in love.

They've been together for 30, 40 years.

And so everyone has the way that they look at it. Like, oh, I was fucked up from this way or this way. If your parents are divorced, you're fucked up. If your parents are together, you're fucked up. Right?

Like, it's all the same. So how can figuring out the gifts our parents gave us and the gaps that they left impact how we operate in dating?

Like, it's really hard for me to find someone to make me feel that way. The first thing is, I want everyone to know what their gaps are and the way. you and I have exercises all over the book to help you do this deeply. But in essence, the way to build a gap or figure out your gap is obvious. It's like, what do you feel you wish you got from your parents that you didn't get?

Maybe it was praise. Maybe it was encouragement. Maybe it was belief. Maybe it was presence and energy. You just wish they were there at your football game, or you just wish that they showed up to your dance rehearsal, or whatever it may have been.

What are those gaps that have been left out? I want you to go fill those gaps yourself. I want you to go. do each and every one of those for yourself. If your parents didn't compliment, you, compliment yourself.

If your parents didn't show up for what you love, show up for what you love. If your parents didn't turn up at your games, or whatever it was, make sure you're turning up. Have you given up on a passion because your parents didn't show up for you? And so I want people to fill that gap themselves. Because what that does is that now, when you go meet another human, you allow them to just be themselves and give you love in the way that they like to show it, rather than them trying to figure out how to be your dad or your mom.

And I think that that's often. what happens is that we become a project and we're looking for someone to fix us. And what we do is we become broken, hoping that we're going to find a fixer and exhaust the fixer trying to fix us, because we're broken from something that they never did.

What would your relationship be like if they didn't have to constantly fill you up in certain areas?

But maybe I don't want that. Like, maybe that's not exactly how I want it to be. And when you figure out the gifts that you received, now, what you're going to do is when you meet someone, you're going to realize if they give those gifts, that's amazing. But don't become blind to the other gifts that they want to give you. And I think so often we're like, well, they're not giving me these three things that I really wanted.

And you're missing out on all this amazing stuff that they're giving over here. Because you don't think that's love. You think love looks like ABC. And if they're giving you XYZ, you're like, no, no, no, but that's not love. This is love.

And I think so often we limit how people love us because we put limits on what love looks like to us. And so I'll give you a practical example of this, with me and my wife. So me and my wife have completely different love languages, we have completely different parenting situations. For my wife, love was shown by presence, and time and energy. Her parents took the day off on her birthday, they would take her out on long walks, they'd spend lots of quality family time together.

My parents didn't have lots of time, they were working really hard to make sure that we had enough money and had enough food, and working hard to take care of me and my sister. So my parents gave me gifts, they would save up to buy me the one thing I wanted. So when we met, I just wanted someone who would buy me epic gifts. And my wife's like cooking an amazing meal and making all this time and energy. And I'm going, well, why didn't I get the gift I wanted?

And and that's how the gifts and the gaps play through. Because your love language is just based on the gift and the gaps you had. But what I'm saying is don't, don't limit love to your love language, your partner may be able to express love in a far more beautiful, greater way, and you're just missing out on it.

And he was the only person in my life at that time who'd already got engaged and married. So I was like, he's the right person to go to. And I was like, Okay, I want to propose. How much should I spend on a ring? I have no idea, right?

I've never thought about getting an engagement ring for anyone before, never been into a store, no idea how much it costs. And he was like, yeah, you just spend two to three months salary. He just threw that number out there. And I was like, okay, cool. And then I went and asked another friend who was about to propose, and he was like, yeah, yeah, two to three months salary.

So I started here two to three months. from a lot of my male friends. I didn't make a lot of the time and I was like, okay, two to three months salary. Okay, cool. And so I was like, fine, I went and spent two to three months salary, I proposed, we got married, he said yes, well, the rest of it.

And then, years later, when I was researching this, because I was thinking about this, and I was like, how did everyone know that number? Like, where did that number come from? Literally, in 1977, De Beers has a commercial, you can YouTube this. And in that commercial, it's this black and white commercial, there's like silhouettes of a man and a woman. And at the end of it, in this silhouette, there's a diamond ring that's sparkling and shining, that's going onto the finger.

And it literally says, what better way to spend two to three months salary? In 1977, a full marketing ploy, a full marketing ploy.

I just don't like that rhetoric. I think it's unhealthy, because it makes people feel like, well, A, it makes people feel bad if they do want that. But it also feels like it always comes from people who are already financially stable, who say stuff like that. I'd actually say that you need growth in your life constantly. But the goal is to bring out growth.

And although it can be someone that you look up to, and you're like, I appreciate how they do that. I think there's been a little too much of people trying to quite literally emulate exactly what people are doing on the internet. And I think, growth wise, it's you're in danger of not allowing yourself to pave your own path and figure out what's good for you. We all learn from people that came before us. But I do think there's there's some type of like copycat mentality that it's like, wait, but what do you want?

Do you? even you're watching that person on TikTok? But like, do you even like that? And they're like, no, it just looks cool. Well, then maybe carve your own path.

I thought what you wrote in your book was interesting. And I kind of want you to talk about this, because you talk about there's five people that we fall for, right? The rebel, the chase, the project, the fuckboy, and the opulent one. Yeah. When I read that, I was like, this was my ex boyfriend.

This was my first boyfriend. Can you explain what the opulent one is?

So you may look at, obviously, the obvious one is they're so attractive. The other one is like, oh, they're so smart. Like, I love the way they think. Or, oh, they're so educated. They went to a great school, right?

So you find one thing. Rich. Yeah, rich, right? Like, he or she drives a nice car, like he or she is famous, whatever it may be, you find one thing, and you start giving someone other qualities, because they have that quality. So I'll give an example.

You say, oh, he's rich, which must mean he's organized. Got it. He'll be an organized partner. Oh, they're good looking. They're trustworthy, right?

I can trust them. We think anything we find attractive about someone, we start to give them softer qualities. We're like, oh, they must be kind. They went to a good school, they must be nice. They must come from a good family.

And we just start giving people all this ammunition, because we start painting a picture. And so the opulence completely is an illusion, because now you're not letting someone earn the right to be those things. You're not letting them become those things or demonstrate those things. You're just assuming. And I think that that's really unnerving, because it's so intoxicating.

Like when you're, we all know what that feels like.

I'm just saying check that the other things you think they have, they actually have. Don't just give it to them, because you assume that they must have these abilities. So I did this little video on Instagram recently, which I think made the point. And I lit a match. And I was like, this is what chemistry feels like.

And it's amazing. And then I lit a candle with it. I was like, this is what connection and compatibility looks like. It's going to burn a lot longer. This match is going to run out.

And so the idea being that like, I'm not saying you shouldn't feel chemistry, I want everyone to feel chemistry. But chemistry is just this one specific spark. And now your job is to turn that spark into a burning, flaming candle. But if you don't make that transition, that spark in and of itself is not going to create love. It's the idea of how, the chemical, what's happening chemically.

And I think we have to look at that. So when you find someone attractive, there's two things happening. You're experiencing attraction, but you're also experiencing stress. So there's attraction of like, oh, they're hot. The stress is, do they think I'm hot?

The attraction is, oh, they're really smart. I really like how they think. The stress is, do they like how I think? And so there's this, when you first meet someone, you're experiencing attraction and stress. And that's what feels like chemistry.

Now, the science shows that what happens as you become more comfortable with each other, is the stress decreases. Because you now, actually, they make you feel de-stressed, because you feel comfortable with them. But we see that comfort as anti-chemistry. We see that comfort that that person now provides is a spark is gone. But it isn't that.

It's literally a feeling of our bodies.

And it's like, well, now, you've been with them for a while. You know, they find you attractive. You're comfortable. And so eventually, when you get into the right relationship, there is nothing better than that comfortability, because they are the person that you trust. And that trust is built where the stress comes down.

And the trust raises, I think. And so some people get a little stressed out about that different dynamic. But then you have to look internally of like, why are you so addicted to the chaos? And I was for a very long time. Like, if I look back at my relationships, I'm like, I was so addicted to drama.

And like all the guys that I was dating, it had to be something. But because I wasn't ready to settle down. And then, when I was, I started to look for those qualities of trust and not feeling so on edge and not feeling insecure. And then all of a sudden I was like, oh, that's definitely more of the vibe and the person I want to be around. But it takes time.

It takes time. It takes time. When looking back at past relationships, what types of things should we look to examine to make future relationships easier?

I'm just saying that if it doesn't move in too fast, if you don't fall in love too fast, you have the ability to make healthier, better decisions sooner, before you're too attached and you're too deep in. So I would look at pace of relationship and go, let me look back at my last few relationships and ask myself, did I fall in love too fast? Maybe did I fall in love too slow? Was I too skeptical or was I too optimistic? I would look at, was I letting the person show me who they were, or was I painting the picture of who I thought they were?

And I think that in and of itself is everything. We're constantly not actually letting people earn their stripes. And this applies to trust. I talk about trust a lot, and you just brought it up, and that's what's on my mind. And I created these four levels of trust.

We often think of trust as binary. We think of like, I trust you or I don't trust you. And that's how we think about people. You walk into a room and like, yeah, you're trustworthy. You're not trustworthy.

I would go home with you. I wouldn't go home with you. You can drop me home. You can't drop me home. So we think of trust as black and white.

But trust isn't. It's actually levels. And so the first level of trust is zero trust. When you meet someone, I don't care how good looking they are. I don't care how smart they are.

I don't care where they went to college or how much money they had. Don't trust them. They've got to earn that trust from you. And I know that sounds really dark, but it's not. It's give them the opportunity to show you where they're trustworthy.

So they may say, I'm going to pick you up at 7 p.

m. They picked you up at 7 p.m. They may say, I'm going to text you on Sunday. They texted you on Sunday. These are like signs of transactional trust.

That's the next level. There's a transactional trust. They say something and they live up to it. Then the third level of trust is reciprocal trust. Now you're getting deeper, where it's like you do nice things for each other, but you're not checking in.

You're not having to check every minute detail, but you know it's going to be reciprocated. And the highest level is unconditional trust, which is like God level. trust, which, to be honest, beyond your parents, probably most people are never going to have it. But we want that so bad that someone does one nice thing for us. We're like, they're the best.

They're amazing. I'm done. I love them. They won. They're not like my ex at all.

And it's like, guys, they got one thing right. Like, that's okay. That's great. And I'm not saying you're going to test the person. I'm just saying, just don't trust them based on a couple of things.

And so I think pacing is what I would look at from a last relationship. I would look at how much you let them show you who they were versus you made them who you wanted them to be.

And it's like, hold on. And then when one weird things happens and you're going to your friends crying, they're like, well, did you ask him? And she's like, no. And I think the other side can be people that have a really hard time trusting. And even as much as someone's showing you, there's clearly something from your past that's withholding you from being able to move forward.

Because it's like, I've seen relationships, I've done it in the past where they're like, I have literally done nothing. Why do you not trust me? And it's because I didn't heal my past relationship where someone broke that trust. And so it's like, everyone's going to have a different level. But I think the pace is such an interesting concept because I know from my personal current relationship, we were in the pandemic.

It moved way too fast in the very beginning. And I made a very, very hard, conscious decision that I worked on in therapy to slow it down. So I could, we only, I was like, we need to go back and pretend we're not in the pandemic. We're spending so much time, which is great, but we're moving too fast. We can't move in together.

yet. We've only been dating for like six fucking months. Like, hold on. And so I think you can always alter the pace. You're never too far gone.

There's always times to reel it in, but you have to be with a partner that's willing to also adjust pace-wise and not be like, what the fuck are you talking about? We live together. We don't need to talk about that now. Well, no, I realized we've never had a conversation about X, Y, Z. So pacing can also be on your terms and you can dictate it, but you have to have a partner that's willing also to work with you on it.

We spent every day together for like six months. And then all of a sudden I got a job and now I couldn't see her every day and it shifted. And so the pace changed again. And so I fully agree with you that the pace can change at any time. And the reason why I talk about pace is just, you make better decisions when you have more time and you have more clarity and you don't feel pressure.

All the research shows that when you are clear of mind, you can deal with seven things at once. But when you're stressed, that number goes down to three. And acute stress, it gets lower and lower and lower. And so when you start making really big decisions based on really small pieces of information, you're going to make some unhealthy choices. Another recent study I read that blew my mind was that this really hit me, especially with, I'm someone who really likes to make new friends and I like building new connections with people.

I feel a similar value. And this science really blew my mind. It said it takes 40 hours of spending time with someone to consider them a casual friend. 40 hours. I was like, wow, I haven't spent 40 hours with a lot of people.

Of course, I do think things like interviewing someone, being interviewed by some podcast, there are certain things like deep, intimate conversations, vulnerable conversations accelerate this journey. A hundred hours counts as a good friend. And 200 hours counts as a great friend. So the question when you're dating, you have to ask yourself is, do I want to spend 200 hours with this person? And have I spent 200 hours with this person?

It's a great metric to like just check, because it gives you something tangible when your feelings are like running ahead at like 2,000 hours.

The next rule that you talk about that I think is very, very important is define love before you think it, feel it, or say it. So, Jay, how do you define love?

Respecting someone's values. I use that word very carefully. Most people feel that relationships are where you have the same values and that you're on this magical search to find someone who believes in the same stuff you believe in. That is so hard and so impossible. And I don't even want to put fairy dust on it.

I don't think that's going to happen, because people are so different. We're wired so differently. Yes, we can have shared values, but we have Trump values and priority values. And so I'll give an example with me and my wife. My wife values family above everything.

Her immediate family that she grew up with, that is, like her number one priority. My number one value is my purpose. It's my work. It's what I do for others. It's my service.

It's my passion. That's what I love above everything else. And when we met, we both talked about this and we realized that if she had a family event, she would choose that over anything. And if I had a purpose-based opportunity, I would choose that over everything. And I don't want to change that.

And she doesn't want to change that either. But we respect it. So when she says to me, and the reason I respect Alex, it kind of comes back to your relationship. My wife's amazing because of how her parents raised her. And my wife's incredible because of the relationship she has with her parents.

Why would I want to take that away from her? Why would I say, no, you've got to come and support me at my thing. No, you've got to give up your family, to come be with me at this thing, because my thing's so important, because I'm doing X, Y, Z. Like, there's a certain respect that I have, because I know that her love for her family is what makes her so lovable. And she knows that my drive and my ambition and my persistence is what makes me attractive to her.

And so why would you want me to give that up?

So you're going to respect what they like. And so I really think it's a really great way. you just dissected that, because I think sometimes people worry if we don't have exact same values, how are we going to make it? Well, do you like what they value? Do you agree with that?

Then you're good. Yeah. It doesn't have to be your number one. It's their number three. It's your number one.

Like, Jay, I'm single. Yeah, I'm trying. I'm trying to get back up a little bit. You have this three date rule and your theory is.

You have this three date rule and your theory is that by three dates in, you should have had enough time to determine if you and the other person will be a good match.

I came dressed and prepared. So I don't expect you to make these your first three dates. I expect you to use them in your dating journey.

What is occupying your thoughts most at the moment? What's something you wish you knew more about? What's the best meal you've ever had?

But on a very personality chemistry level, sometimes you don't even have to ask these questions. Sometimes you're actually going to just observe.

And the tone is so important, even compared to the words. To really listen out and go, oh, is this person arrogant? Is this person coming across like my? ideas are not interesting? Do they ask the question back?

And, by the way, I think that a lot of some of these questions men may struggle to answer because they feel quite personal. And they can feel quite intimidating sometimes, because you can feel like, oh God, why am I... And so these questions are meant to be fun. They're not an interrogation. They're not an intervention.

And they're not an interview. It's being inquisitive, right? And I like to make that difference between. you're never asking a question from an interrogation standpoint or intervention standpoint, because no one likes that. You're asking it from a point of like, genuine interest.

And, by the way, have your answers ready. Because if you have your answers ready, you can say, well, let me go first. Let me tell you mine. And now it's a conversation and now it's open and vulnerable. And it's not this forced thing of like, well, I want to know what you have to say, and I'm judging you.

It's like, no, no, I've thought about this for myself too. Right. It's all coming from a place of which.

I think that's so telling about someone. Which is totally fine. If they're like, oh, I'm retiring and I'm just like never doing anything again. Totally fine. But like, is that someone you'd want to be with?

Exactly. They just told you,

That's the point. Like. I think sometimes we have a hierarchy of like, oh, this kind of person is better. And it's not.

So that question to me is like, I would keep working if I won the lottery. But there's also, then I know, a friend of mine that was like, bitch, I'm getting five dogs, moving to a ranch and living my goddamn life and having 10 kids. And I'd be like, and do you? And I totally respect that. But again, then maybe the person sitting across from me would be better for me or my friend.

Based off of that answer, you would find out. Correct. You got to ask these questions. Correct. And then, the third day, this is where you get really a lot deeper, right?

At some point, you're going to feel like they've opened up to me in some capacity. And what types of questions are you thinking should be asked on this third date where you're really trying to?

It's when you can have uncomfortable conversations in a comfortable way. That, to me, is a sign that your relationship is actually serious. Not that you moved in. Not that you get nice gifts. Not that you can spend lots of time together or you go on vacations together.

Can we have a conversation that usually creates conflict and not get mad at each other and not make it about each other's weaknesses? There's so many things that people.

Again, trust. Stress is going down. Trust is going up. And I love what you just said.

You trust me, right? I trust you. It's like, no. Trust. is me being able to tell you stuff that may be uncomfortable for me.

One of my favorite questions that, and you can read more from the book, but one of my favorite questions that's not in the book is a question that I often ask my wife. And I ask it even till this day. And so every couple of months I'll say to her, and it's not like it's in my calendar. It's not like it's in a spreadsheet. I don't record the answers.

This is a, you know, it's not a technique. It's a genuine thing. I'll say to her, is this relationship going in the direction you want it to go in? And if it's not, what are we willing to do about it? And if it is, what are we doing?

right that we should keep doing? It's just such a healthy question. And it's asked not because I think things are going wrong. Like, I'm not asking that because I'm scared or I'm worried. I'm asking it because it's the same as doing this podcast, right?

It's the same as doing anything. There's a famous quote that says, you can't improve what you don't measure, right? You can't grow something that you don't measure, like you, whether it's a business, whether it's a podcast, whether it's, whether it's life. And I just think life is something that is lived so unintentionally and unconsciously that 10 years go by, someone comes, knocks on the doors and goes, I don't think it's working out anymore. And you're surprised because that person kept it inside them every three months, how they were.

And I also think it's like, there's a lot of people and I would really encourage daddy gang. I know it's so uncomfortable sometimes, but like having those card conversations allows longevity in a relationship and it to grow. Because if you're not having that conversation, like you said, you're having so many in your head. I hate him for this. I hate her for this.

I hate them for this. And then you're like, what are we doing here? So that's really cool that you do that with your wife. And if anything, I'm going to steal that from you, because it's just a really mature way of basically saying, I'm giving you the opportunity to say anything to me. And I'm willing to hear it, because I care so much about our relationship that my ego is on the floor right now.

And like, I care more about our partnership than whatever you're going to say individually that I could potentially also work on. And I, then you also know she's willing to hear it from you if you're.

I'm not saying that you should do this tomorrow. What I am saying is I'm just trying to save people from wasting 10 years of their life with someone that doesn't love them and that they don't feel loved by. Like. that's where this is coming from. This isn't coming from a place of I'm really smart and I know what to do in a relationship.

It's coming from a place of just, I know how hurt people have been by relationships. And I know how much pain it causes when you feel blindsided. And when you feel like you've just been surprised and someone just like delivered you a big notice that you had no idea was coming your way. I just don't want you to have to go through that. Like, you know, I just want to save you from the big, not that I can save you, but I want this advice to save you from the bigger.

And I'll tell you why. An expectation is a hope, a wish, or a want that something might happen. Just hopefully, randomly, potentially. I don't want to live my life in expectations. I want to live my life in intentions and actions and attention.

Like I want to live my life in saying, I'm going to be vulnerable in this relationship and I'm going to see if the person's vulnerable back. I'm not going to expect the person to be vulnerable or open, because that doesn't give me anything. And so I kind of remove expectations from pretty much every area of my life. And I go, how do I change that into intentions, action, and attention? So if I want a open, exciting, fun-filled relationship, I'm going to bring that energy to the relationship and then see where that person matches.

If they're on a lower frequency or a lower vibration, it will show. You won't have to ask them, because you can tell immediately, right? Like if you bring your best, it's kind of like with an interview, you know when a guest brings their best energy. And now you were probably prepared anyway, because you're a great interview, but you can bring your best energy too. Now you're creating something amazing.

But if you're waiting to see what energy the guest brings and then basing your energy off it, it kind of starts creating, it could create something that you don't want to create. And I think that happens in a relationship.

I won't say them to them if I'm not stressed. So you start seeing how stress literally makes you who you don't want to be. And so sometimes we're trying to manage our diet or we're trying to manage how we talk. It's like managing our stress is actually the core of what allows us to be a nicer human, a healthier human, a better person. When you handle stress differently, I think the core in a relationship is knowing how the other person handles stress.

And I think for so long in relationships, we don't know or we don't like. So another thing, and it goes back to respecting, we have to respect, unless it's abusive, manipulative, physically, verbally. There's no part of me that says you have to be patient with anything of that sort. But beneath that, if anything in your life, if you don't understand and accept the way your partner deals with stress is different to yours, that creates issues. So in the book, I break down three fight styles.

And the reason why I came up with the fight styles is because me and my wife would always argue and fight and have discussions. And we would never swear or raise our voices, but we would get into really intense discussions, debates around stuff that didn't even matter sometimes and stuff that did matter. And I would walk away always thinking like she didn't care as much as me. I would always feel like she didn't love me as much as I loved her, because she had a different way of dealing with stress. So her way of dealing with stress was she wanted to lock herself in a room.

She wanted to be quiet. She didn't want to talk to me. She just wanted space and time and she would figure it out. And my way of dealing with stress is we're going to talk about it right now. We're going to talk about everything.

I've got all the points laid out. The bullet points are ready. And that shows I care. And her way of showing she cares is give me some time. If I get to reflect and digest and introspect, I care.

But I didn't think that. I think you don't care. and I care because we always think what we do shows we care. Absolutely. And so my fight style, which I broke it down, is called venting.

And her fight style is called hiding. And the third fight style in the book is called exploding. And so a venter is me. I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it right now.

A hider is. I don't want to talk about it. I need space. And an exploder is my emotions matter the most. And I just need to talk about how I feel emotionally.

And so none of these are good or bad. None of these are better or worse. None of these are things to judge each other for. But when you know that's how your partner deals with stress, you can now create a healthier boundary. So me and my wife will say, all right, you need two days.

I want to talk about it right now. We're going to talk about in 12 hours. Let's find the space where you get enough space. But I don't have to wait for two days because I want to talk about it now. And now I'm dealing with stress healthier rather than saying, oh, I don't like the way you deal with stress.

You shouldn't be stressed. You don't deserve to be stressed. I love that. I think.

And he had the same exact response where he was like, I feel like I care more about you. in this relationship. You don't care as much. And I'm like, just because I don't want to talk immediately, I'm thinking about it up there, but I don't want to talk about it right now. And so I think eventually we got to a point where we respected that boundary of I know your need and I know my need, and let's find compromise.

And it changed the dynamic because what it also allowed us to do is feel safe in the relationship of like, okay, we now have established, we know we both care. We are just handling it differently. And when you know that, even when I was up in the bedroom, just ruminating on something, I still knew like, I know he's there and he wants to talk and we're both, we're going to figure this out. But you have to first acknowledge the difference in how you handle shit before you.

It's that, like, it's that example. How do you do it? Cereal first, obviously. Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay.

I was just checking. But again, no judgment, but like cereal before the milk. But that's what I mean. Like. we get so attached to, like how we have learned to process emotions and we think, if you don't process emotions like I do, you don't care, you don't love me, we're not in this together.

And that's, and that's what we just create assumptions out of nothing and start pushing the other person away. And I'm like, no, just realize that that person deals with it that way. You deal with that way and we'll figure it out. I have one more final question.

And when I look at the greatest acts of love in the world, often they're not romantic, often they're family, often they're friendship, often they're people for society, like sacrifice. So I just want people to remember that as much as romantic love is important, don't make the mistake to devalue all the other relationships in your life. Studies show that 70% of people believe in soulmates, which is the definition that there is one person out there for me. that is perfect for me. And until I find them, everyone else is not that person.

And I think that's a mistake we make in relationships, because I think a healthy relationship is where two people say we want to make this work, not a relationship where you're searching for this perfect person, fully formed, ready-made, waiting to come out of a box. And I think that's kind of how we've been trained, like the perfect Barbie doll and the Ken doll that sits inside a box. that's shiny, sparkly, brand new. They're wearing the perfect outfit that we want them to wear. We can buy clothes to put on them and make them who we are.

And it's like, that person doesn't exist. But what does exist is this unique, interesting, flawed, fascinating individual that wants to make it work with you. And you want to make it work with them. And that's what makes you more special, because you chose each other. You weren't meant for each other.

If you were just meant for each other, that means there was no choice. That means it was just meant to be. But if you chose each other, that's what makes you special. And that's what makes them special. And that's what makes what you have special, because every day you're working against all odds to be together.

It's such a good point. Like we said, the word.

I want something that's worth the work and the effort. Jay Shetty, everyone go read your book. There are exercises. This is not a book that you're just casually reading. I read this and it is really incredible, Jay.

You are able to do exercises that are very thought provoking and really give you an insight into yourself and what you want for your future. So, Jay Shetty, it was an absolute pleasure.

Daddy Gangsta, we love you. Thank you so much.