#2175 - Sam Tallent

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Oh, so they sort of developed their own scene, just the comics. So there was no comedy club that was available and they kind of created something.

Well, Estonia has been a country since like 1994.

They're probably shell shocked. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Oh, you got to imagine. Look, Ari's like Ari Maddy, who we're talking about, who is very, very funny, is such a joyful guy.

Yeah. You know, they get to create their own culture there. So they got to figure out how to do stand up. And I think that Ari can do stand up in like three different languages. Wow.

So what is Estonian? What do they speak? I think Estonian. Oh, they have their own language? I think so.

But they've only been a country since 94.

Yeah. You're too nice. You're too nice to be in that game. Yeah. Quit doing act outs.

Yeah. He's legit. Yeah. I'm happy for him. I signed his like visa letter.

Oh, I do. That's right. I'm sorry. No, I do know him. That's right.

You know, but it's pretty amazing. Well, you make yourself available to them too, which is cool. I admire that about you, because you could just like be a man in a tower, you know, do this thing.

But no, you're like out there. No, I'm one of us. Yeah. That's the only reason why the club works. Oh, for sure.

Oh, dude. I mean, I'm finally selling tickets now after, like, you know, fighting it out for like 20 years. And the independent clubs will give you every penny that they can give to you. Whereas, like the corporate owned clubs are, like, you know, they have the exact spreadsheet.

Yeah, they're so brutal. They're so brutal. I. this is like I don't want to say who it was. Oh, my God.

Oh, I did a jalapeno and then I touched my dick and then my wife came home and I had the tip of my penis in a saucer of milk.

That's like that old Eddie Murphy bit about putting the aftershave on his balls. Oh, yeah. I have clear eyes. if you think that'll help at all. Yeah, throw that over here.

Capsaicin is a hell of a drug, man. Ghost pepper, baby. That'll wake you up. Oh, my God. It's like those smelling salts you have in the green room.

The ones we have at the green room are bullshit compared to these.

Hey, I'll take your word for it. No, come on, bro. You gotta take one blast. I'll blast one.

One blast. Chuck that sucker this way. Sure. Maybe that'll clear up my eyes. It's gonna clear up something.

You psycho.

Definitely gonna forget about your eyes. Oh, my God.

What a glowing endorsement of this product. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, dude. You went too deep there. Yeah, I went too deep, too. I felt it in my lungs.

Oh, man. It really hits the reptile part of your brain.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm gonna go fight Bruce. I'll be right back.

You idiot. Ron's done it. He's full of shit. He's done it, too. Ron's taken quite a few hits, but none of these guys know about that one.

Are there individual capsules in? here you're supposed to break?

What the fuck's in here?

This looks like crystal meth.

Yeah, it's just rocks and ammonia. My right nostril's still on fire. Do the left one. No, we're good. That's what Joey did.

He's had a lot of stuff up that nose.

Yeah, I'm amazed he could smell anything.

Thank you for having me back. My pleasure, brother.

What's the road been like? You're all over the place, man. I follow you on Instagram. You're in all these crazy countries. Did you just decide to see the world?

Stand-up's, a pretty good cheat code to travel and experience the authentic version of a place. You get to hang out with people from that place while you're there that weekend.

Was there any place that was really fun? Where they laughed really loud and they got the jokes? Or was it every place a little disjointed?

It's different. The more you go into Europe, the more they watch it like theater. I remember I was in Hungary, in Budapest. That show was awesome. It shouldn't have been.

I took Hinchcliffe to Stockholm once.

Yeah, Stockholm's fun.

I had a great time, but he had never been to Europe before. I had performed in Ireland. I had performed in England. I had performed in a bunch of different places. We did two shows.

They're also not eating hot wings. Right. No one's arguing about splitting the check or anything.

That was another thing that I made sure with the club, no food. Use food. We're connected to two restaurants. Right. Pizza place to the left, Mexican place to the right.

Everyone's fine.

Yeah. You don't have to eat. You can take an hour and a half or two hours out of your day and not eat.

You guys also don't have to worry about being like in Applebee's, where there's occasionally comedy, which is a lot of these clubs out there. Not a lot of them, but they still exist. That model of like, hey, the host, by the way, when you do everyone's birthdays after that, make sure you plug the queso dip.

Yeah. Try the wings. Yeah. Yeah. I did a lot of those.

Oh, me too.

But those are important for learning how to captivate someone's attention span. Yeah. For a comic, it's like learning how to run uphill.

If you can't compete with a quesadilla, you should probably hang it up.

It's a good way to maximize profit, but it's not a good way to put on a show. No. When I see comedy clubs and they have food, I'm like, why do you have food? This is a dumb thing. Also, when we got the Ritz, when we first looked at the place, it had a kitchen.

I thought you guys were going to put in like a pizza place. When I first toured it with you way back in the day, you were talking about-.

We were talking about doing next door. Next door. Yeah. Where Rapolo's Pizza is. We were talking about doing that, but they don't want to leave.

Okay. I mean, they're printing money right there.

Now they are. Yeah.

You guys raised the property values in the neighborhood. I fucked up. I should have bought it first.

Yeah. I should have bought it when everybody was dying during the middle of the pandemic, when everything was fucked. But, you know, we could never imagine it was going to work as good as it worked. You know, the whole plan was just, the plan was like to just see what happens and build. But, like from the opening night, it was just guns blazing.

That was in Little Boy?

That was in Little Boy, yeah. Oh my God. So he did the first set in the big room. And he did a set after me. So they had no idea then either.

People's heads exploded.

Yeah, it was awesome.

Yeah, they liquefied.

It was awesome. So we, like from the beginning, it was guns blazing. And then so many people started moving here. And I'm like, wow, okay. And then now we're at a point where I'm like, I think we need another club.

Yeah, carrying capacity might have been reached over there.

It's mobbed every night. So I'm like, I feel like we could get a club like down the street. And, you know, have an A and a B club. Nice. And just, it's all for all these young people.

And you're going to get plenty of those. There's a lot of that around here. I mean, God, I was just at this club this weekend. The Comedy Vault in Batavia, a great club, but the AC was broken. Oh, no.

Oh, no.

And people were just in there, like dropping out. By the time I got up there, people were not stoked to still be in that room. Yeah. And I'm just dripping sweat. I look like a ham in a window.

Dude, the Creek in the Cave was like that when we first moved here. They had no AC. The AC was garbage. And you'd be drenched with sweat on stage, like soaked t-shirt. Yeah.

And now it's like 60 degrees in that room at all times.

Yeah, they fixed it. Yeah. That's the way to do it. I mean, like Letterman, always used to have his room like super, super cold. The idea is that warm makes people sleepy, but when they're a little uncomfortable, they're awake.

You should just put these at every table, man. Make it mandatory when they sit down.

We have people throw it up in the middle of the show. Yeah. Most people do not want that.

Do you guys do check drop? No. I don't remember.

No.

That's the easiest thing a comedy club can do is get rid of check drop.

Yeah. We were doing it in the beginning, and they were arguing that we had to do it. And this is a different person running things. Yeah. But I was like, no, we don't.

And the show's better.

Yeah, the show's better. The most important thing is that the show is the best show we can put on. Right. That's what we're selling. Yeah.

One time a guy yelled out, bitch, who said you could order hot wings? And I heard that when I was on stage, and I couldn't. He buried me from the back of the room. I couldn't recover from that.

That's hilarious. Yeah. Bitch, who said you could order hot wings?

Yeah, the Denver Improv.

I've never been to that one.

Of course not.

The comedy works are so good, though.

Dude, the improv came, and they said, Wendy, you've had it too good for too long. We're going to put comedy works out of business. And Wendy's response was to open a second comedy club. And now she has two A clubs, and the improv's out there, like, barely surviving, across from, like, a Toby Keese. I love this bar.

What I was going to say is there was a club that I, like, when Fear Factor had ended, they decided that I wasn't, even though I'd sold out, like, every show, every time I had been there for years, they decided that I wasn't a draw anymore. So they tried to decrease my amount by 25%. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? They're like, we don't think you're a draw anymore. I go, but I sold out a year ago when I was here.

I think I know what you're saying.

For, like, more than a year and a half. I think it was, like, two years that I didn't work for them. I'm like, fuck you. Yeah. And then, when everything was, like, really going great for me, then they finally came back and gave me great deals.

What are you doing?

Why are you doing that to me?

I'm keeping the lights on around here.

Like, how many national headliners do you guys legitimately have? Right. And you're going to alienate one of them just because you think you can make 25% more money?

Yeah. And you're going to sell out every ticket. They're not papering the room for Joe Rogan.

Dude, it was sold out in advance already. Like, to the point where I was already having to, like, tell them I don't want to do radio. Like, I don't have to do fucking radio if it was already sold out. Like, oh, I have a relationship with a radio station. They like it.

When I'm the least funny I've ever been, it's 6 a.

And then I have to go back to sleep and wake up for the show. I'm going to be all disoriented and fucked up.

Makes the shows worse. Terrible. I'm on there selling a product that is going to be impaired because I'm on this radio show.

Also, like, this is around 2007.

It's a total waste. But I think that it is built into whatever relationship the radio station has with the club. And just quite recently I've had to not do radio any longer. And it feels good.

It's nice.

Well, dude, Kill. Tony is a fucking kingmaker. I had no idea.

Isn't it incredible?

I was in Bratislava. There's people in Kill Tony t-shirts.

It's nuts, man. It's nuts. Have you been to one of the arena shows?

No, I haven't.

Holy shit. That's when you realize. When you go to an arena show and they all sing along with, like, the Hans Kim song. Oh, yeah. And they all know, like, everybody's, like, thing.

Oh, yeah. That's so positive, Joe.

I'd love to do a set.

That'd be great. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, Black Keys. Ooh. Yeah.

But that's really him. Have you ever hugged him?

He started in Denver. Oh, okay. So I've known William forever. You've known him forever. Yeah.

His hugs are like he might stab you. Like, he's hugging you. Like, he's thinking about stabbing you, but he's controlling himself. Like, what kind of a hug is this, man? It's the most intense hug.

Uh-huh. He's, like, shaking. It's like you're calming a baby deer. Yeah.

Yeah. He's crazy. When I met him first, he was, like, full on alcohol. Uh-huh. He'd do a Coke and everything.

He's present now on stage.

Yes. Yeah. So he would have the notes, and then he would do Kill Tony. And when he would do Kill Tony, he would read off the notes. But then, with the banter, the notes would be down.

And also now that you're not polluting your brain with booze and cocaine.

Yeah, your memory is better.

Right.

There you go, buddy.

He used to do this bit in Denver where he had a neck brace on. But he would, like, wear it at all times to open mics. And it was going well. And then another comedian started doing a neck brace thing.

No way. Yeah, dude. Imagine stealing a disability joke.

It was crazy. I remember being at Comedy Works on a Tuesday and being like, she's doing the neck brace thing. She's nice. Yeah, it was a girl.

Oh, my God. That's hilarious. Yeah, man. Did she actually have something wrong with her neck? Which would be ironic.

I don't think she did.

Oh, my God. She faked it.

I don't want to say she faked it. But I don't think it was as necessary as she made it out to be.

That's a weird one, man. Uh-huh. You know what's weird? People that wear glasses, that don't have vision problems.

I hate them. They're stealing valor.

I was thinking about that with you. Yeah. Yeah? Because you have to have them.

I am so blind without these.

What is it with people with clear lenses? Like, what is that about?

It shapes their face, is what they say. It's an accessory. So they'll have, like, a big fat face, so they'll wear big glasses. Or they have, like, a mouse face, so they wear little glasses. But I really don't trust those people.

Very odd. Yeah. It's a very odd choice.

It's like having a prosthetic leg attached when you have both your feet.

Yeah, I met a guy, and he had those on. He was a comic. And I go, why do you wear those? And he goes, girls, think you're smarter. I go, really?

Yeah, the dumbest girls.

They think you're smarter because you can't see good.

Yeah, if the glasses are doing it, just shake keys at one of them. That'll probably work, too.

Well, I guess the stereotype at one point in time was that you ruined your eyes by spending too much time looking at a close surface, a close object. Which is what happens, which is why cell phones are very bad for your eyes.

So bad for us.

So, like, the idea was, this guy reads so much.

I see.

That his eyes suck.

He crippled his eyes with his lust for knowledge.

Okay, so answer me this question. Why do I think it's hot when I see girls in glasses? Because I do.

I do, too, man.

Why?

Because they do this.

Oh, that's right. They take the glasses off.

Flick their hair back.

Before they.

That chick is the best.

First of all, I just saw an interview with her. She got on stage at the Zach Bryan show, and she sang with him. At the end, he sings Revival, and he has people come on stage and sing with him. It's a great fucking show. He puts on an amazing show.

I don't know. She just looks like the classic American 8.. Yeah. Where it's like, I have a chance with her, and she seems fun, and she loves sucking dick. It's like, of course.

Great personality.

Of course she captured the zeitgeist. Yeah.

She's funny. Even the way she says it, you get me? Yeah.

We understand.

Yeah, we get you.

Communicated.

She's only 21.

I'm sure she'll be stealing club weekends from me in no time.

Here's something that should go viral. Jamie, pull up that guy that I tweeted. Because people think I was making fun of this guy, which I kind of am. But also, it is a catchy tune. You know, there's a lot of people...

How'd you get this footage of me, Joe?

I have eyes everywhere. Here's what's important. The fucking dude is talented. Yeah, it's ridiculous that he's got a G-string on and he's fat and he's wearing a biker helmet on and he's got queer tattooed across his belly. But listen to him rap.

Action Bronson. put the weight back on, huh?

He did put the weight back on a little bit, unfortunately. It was on the pocket.

He's entertaining.

Like one of the lines was, let me fill your hole with semen. I'm pretty sure. That's the only thing that I could get out of all that. Like the little dance. But it's just the flow.

They're having a consensual hit.

He's having a good time. People like it. But my point is, like, that's that guy. He's got queer tattooed across his stomach. He's not fucking cosplaying.

He's not performing.

Yeah, that's who he is.

He's being pure.

But he's fucking talented. Like that rap, like the flow is good. Like it's fucking good, man.

Also, if you go to a show, don't you want that guy leading the band? Hell yeah. That's a blast. That's fat. Gigi Allen.

Yeah. I'd love that guy to open up a show. He should open up Fully Loaded. That's what he should do.

Him and Jelly Roll.

Burt's fucking buddies in the, oh, the Burt's crowd. Just have that guy go out there first.

And then Burt would come out in the exact same outfit. Yes. With the machine tattooed on his belly. Yes. Yes.

With the fucking biker hat on.

Yes. Yeah. I'm all for that stuff.

Me too. I like freaks.

I love freaks.

I like freaks of all types. I mean, here's the thing. Like a lot of people are upset about the Pride Parade.

Hell, yeah, dude.

Hey, fella! Whoa, he has a song called American Faggot.

Well, there you go.

That's hard as hell.

Yeah. That's just talented. Yeah. That probably was in Austin then.

Oh, for sure. Yeah. It looked like it was at a farmer's market based on the crowd.

So, like there's this thing that people are saying about, like the Pride Parade. Because all these people are walking around naked at the San Francisco Pride Parade, and so they were interviewing these people and they have their dicks out.

Yeah.

Listen, if you don't want your kids to see gay guys being sexual, that's what Pride Parade is. Yeah. It's not like a bunch of 40-year-old gay engineers holding hands like married guys who are just holding hands like,

hey, we're proud. Yeah.

It's different than anything else. Like any other kind of Pride thing, because it's not just like we just happen to be gay. It's overtly sexual, always. It's guys with fucking ball gags and dog leashes.

Pissing on each other. Yeah.

It's nuts. Like. I'm not against it at all, but you can't complain that that's happening because you brought your kids.

You can't take your kids to the cage fight and complain about violence.

Exactly. Don't take your kids to Pride and complain about the gays. Yeah.

They're having a blast.

They have a good time. Yeah. I used to do a bit about how, like I would always think, am I exaggerating about, like the gay neighborhood? Like in L.A. they have Boys Town in Santa Monica.

Having the time of their life.

Having the time of their life. All yang, no yin, and no one can get pregnant. I'm all for it.

Yeah. You wrestle, but everyone wins.

Well, also, those guys have their own neighborhood. The difference between the gays and lesbians, unfortunately, never developed us. Because I have a theory. I think that straight men find out that lesbians move next door and they go, I'm an ally. And then they become their neighbors.

It's admirable.

It's great. It's wild. But it's just wild that they can pull it off in almost every city.

Well, and also they can go into places and then they gentrify these places on the margins of the city. And the next thing, you know, all the houses are worth so much money because they invest so much in their properties.

They invest so much in their property to make things more safe. And they keep a lot of people from moving there. Oh, yeah.

But also offering you, Molly, typically. Yeah. They're very generous people. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, when I was a kid, I lived in San Francisco. So I lived in San Francisco from age 7 to 11.. Yeah. So I lived in a fully gay neighborhood.

Yeah, the city of San Francisco.

Yeah, but we were in Haight-Ashbury, like that area. We were right off of Lombard Street. So we were in there, in like the mix of the whole thing. I could walk to Fisherman's Wharf from my house. Yeah.

I mean, it was just normal for you as a boy to understand that your aunt had these gay friends and it wasn't made strange or they weren't othered.

No. They were just normal guys who just happened to be gay. Yeah. And they were everywhere too. So it's like it became normal because you just saw them everywhere.

That's like kind of what you want, right? It's acceptance.

I want people to, yeah. I want people to be themselves.

I want liberty and freedom for all.

Yeah. That's real freedom. You want America to be this fucking land of the free, home of the brave? You know how fucking brave you have to be to be holding hands with a dude and walk down a major street? What are the possibilities of running into homophobes?

For sure.

Pretty sure. Like, if you're going to walk down any major metropolitan, for any like three or four block stretch, the odds of you running into a homophobe is very high. Yeah. Someone is going to be violently angry that you love another man. Right.

I think that the young people now, they want to be homophobic, but I think that most like 18 to 23 year old dudes have probably sucked a dick or had their dick sucked by a fella.

Really?

I don't know. I'd venture to guess that they're...

What do you think is happening today?

Well.

It's the mist. They pump it into the classrooms.

What?

The United States spent millions of dollars trying to develop a gay bomb. Wow. And so it's based on this hormone and this chemical, and they would detonate it above a city and apparently it'd make men so randy that they wind up fucking each other, and it would demoralize them. This was the supposed idea. No way.

Yeah, they could comfort each other.

They were so gay. Not just that, but when you fought next to someone and they were your friend? Yeah. That was one thing. But if it was your lover, you would protect them to the death.

That's so smart.

Yeah, man. Also, I think people were just gay. then. I think people, back before they realized, like, hey, you probably shouldn't fuck kids, they just fucked everything. You know?

It was just accepted and it was like part of passing your philosophy forward.

Bizarre.

Because you would take an apprentice, and he'd also fuck his thighs from behind, but then he would tell the world your story.

He was fucking writing everything you were saying, he was dictating.

Yeah, and dictating.

Yeah.

But there was like that thing with, like the philosophers, some of them thought it was low-minded to actually have sex with the children's butts, so they would just bang their thighs from behind, and that was like cool. Yeah, I think so.

So they just titty-fucked their thighs.

Exactly.

Yeah, that's a good move.

It's a real soft part of a body.

Yeah, you don't get that hurt from it. You know, it's like, I wish that didn't happen, but at least he didn't fuck my butthole.

It was still tight as a drum.

Yeah, it didn't make me walk around uncomfortable, like, what the fuck did he do to me?

Yeah, I don't have to use a diaper now.

You just feel weird, like, oh, that guy just jizzed all over my thighs. Whatever, whatever.

What are you gonna do? At least I know about geometry now.

Bro, they didn't know any better. Isn't that crazy? Like, but just think about how much murder took place back then. Like, if you got to be our age back then, if you had to be, let's just say you got to be 30, how many people do you think you saw get murdered? Probably dozens.

Yeah.

You probably saw people get murdered all the time.

Over very small things.

Over almost nothing. Yeah. Yeah, disrespect. I mean, look, when this country was founded, one of our presidents, forget which one, engaged in a duel while he was president.

I think, Andrew Jackson.

dueled a lot of people.

Yeah. That was like his whole thing.

He just liked to shoot at people? Yeah. From 10 paces? Mm-hmm. Which is the dumbest fucking thing to think.

With pistols, that, yeah, there we go.

Many people think Andrew Jackson fought hundreds of duels. He did have a temper. He was challenged, and he was challenged, challenged others several times, but only one duel resulted in shots fired. In 1806, where he killed Charles Dickinson.

That's good, he was a terrible shot.

How far away did he shoot people from? Those guns suck too. Yeah. they're shooting people with muskets.

Right, and it shot like a marble?

Yeah, it shot a ball of lead. Mm-hmm. And not very accurate either.

And you probably didn't die every time. No. You could take one of those, you're fine. Yeah,

you could take one in the shoulder, especially if they're not accurate. Oh, yeah. But a lot of guys were probably crippled from them.

Oh, for sure, because it would crack your bone. Yeah. It would like hit the bone and bend it in half.

And then they never knew how to fix bones. back then. Yeah,

they'd just have to chop it off.

And they probably didn't even know how to get the lead out.

No, that's a good point, about lead poisoning.

It gets deep in there and just stays in there. Yeah. Ugh. Ugh.

I would, you should have the door, guys duel for stage five.

just paintball guns. Yeah. Did you ever see that scene in that Mel Gibson movie, The Patriot, where the guy gets hit in the face with a cannonball?

Oh, yeah. Yo. Yes. That's rough. Or in Napoleon, where that horse gets exploded with a cannonball.

I didn't see Napoleon, but I heard about that.

The first three minutes is all you have to see. Really? Because you see, well, yeah, you see a horse. take a cannonball in the chest and then the rest of it's just like him, simping for someone.

Oh, yeah. I heard it was, they cucked him out.

It wasn't the best movie. It was pretty. It was like a lush film.

What a waste of Joaquin Phoenix.

Yeah, he's the man. I know.

That guy is so good. He scared the shit out of me in The Joker. Of course. And then the riots happened like a year later.

Yeah, I know.

Like, oh, my God.

Predictive programming. How much is everyone?

responsible for this? I don't want to sidetrack too far, but this is saying that duels back then were not exactly what we think they might have been. Oh, yeah? It was more of a test of courage. It says, people didn't just take 10 steps and shoot as quickly as possible.

I think so. Making them flinch.

they shot each other. Yeah.

What the fuck?

John Wick was like that at the end, right? Didn't the guy try to get a spoiler alert? No, spoiler alert. John Wick pretended he shot, but he didn't. He held his bullet to take a shot.

Oh, yeah. On the steps of Montmartre and Petrie?

The last one, you know, as much as I love those guys, the last one was just so cartoony. It's so hard to take seriously.

I'm okay with it. You turn your brain off and stare.

I love the first one. The first one's the best one. Because the first one, all the motivations are clear. Oh, my God, they stole his car and killed his puppy. Let's go.

Let's do it. And then they build this world of like the Continental and stuff, which was cool. There was lore. I like those movies are the best.

Yeah.

You see, Furiosa?

No. What is Furiosa?

The new Mad Max?

No, I haven't seen it. Bro. Is it great?

You need to treat yourself. Really? Did you see the first, the most recent Mad Max before this? Yes. Remember how great it was and you left the theater going, movies are the best?

Okay, I'm in.

The whole movie was storyboarded too, so it looks like a graphic novel.

Ooh.

Yeah, it's like the best graphic novel I've ever seen. Oh, no kidding. It's a movie.

I haven't heard anything about it.

It's so badass, dude.

Yeah, I think there's too much content today.

For sure.

It's very difficult for people to pay attention to everything.

Right. But there's very few movies that are like actually something you need to see in the theater. Right. And I think this is one of those things.

I heard Dune 2 is one of those.

Yeah, if you can stay awake. Oh, really? I took so many edibles, went to Dune 2.. I didn't make it past the previews, man. I like ate all my Reese's Pieces and then was just zonked and my wife's punching me in the stomach.

That's the worst. Yeah, dude. Well, you get in them comfy chairs like Sinopolis. Yeah. You know, the way you lean back and it's got the cup holder there.

Yeah, and you can vape in there. now. You have your weed pad. Oh, really? You can vape in there?

Yeah, you can. Yeah.

I'm just like smoking live rosin and trying to stay alive.

Oh, that's hilarious.

I love movie theaters.

Yeah, movie theaters are great, especially for comedy. Oh, yeah. Because it really is like, the thing about comedy clubs, like last night, I went to see Kill Tony. Mm-hmm. And, you know, I like watching shows now more than I ever have before, because I don't...

That's valuable. Yeah. And also, that show's perfect, because you're not worried about, like, maybe someone's bit worming its way into your brain. Right. And then you, Robin Williams it later.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

That's why Norton doesn't watch Stand Up.

I can't watch it either. Really? Yeah. Because, like, when you riff a lot, when you're, you know, which I like improvising a lot on stage, every now and then you'll tell someone's joke and then it's that moment where you're, like, y'all, like, ask my feature, like, is that someone's bit? Right.

Yeah, that definitely can happen. Yeah. You know, but the thing is, it's like integrity. Like, does it happen on purpose? Does it just happen?

Sacred knowledge.

Yeah, it is. There's something.

going on there. I know.

I don't know what it is. I don't, I have a bizarre theory that ideas are actually a life form.

You think that they're energy?

I don't know what the word energy means. Like, the word, energy means electricity, but it also means diesel engines, you know? Sure. It means a lot of things. Like, what do you get energy from?

into this dimension. As if there's like individual particles that might be an idea. There's like an atom that's imbued with an idea or a bit, and somehow that gets into you.

I think the muse is a real thing and I think it's the more time you spend thinking, you can kind of hear those calls. The more time you spend alone, writing and thinking and working on stuff, you hear those calls and those calls, like from the ether, from wherever the fuck it's coming from, those make their way onto your page, and then there's real work involved too, where you're analyzing it. Okay, how can I make that better? Maybe a setup's too long. Maybe it's too, like.

And then that, like, that wonder that you had, when the bit is new, dies, and then you're just repeating something and you can see the crowd lose interest in it.

Yeah, you're not connected to it, so why would they be? Right. So then, sometimes with those kind of things, I will just throw it aside and rewrite the joke just on the premise. So instead of using all the setup and the punchline, I'll say, there's got to be another way to address this, this topic. Like, let me see.

You have the germ. Yeah. You have to water it. Exactly. Make sure it gets enough sunlight.

That's why, like there's a type of stealing, that's like very insidious stealing, because they steal premises. Like they'll hear you'll do a bit about you know, getting your oil changed or something, whatever, or maybe something more obscure. Right? They'll do a bit about someone buying you fitted socks or whatever the fuck it is. Yeah.

I can do it better.

I can just kind of.

I'm not stealing the punchline. Exactly. So it's not stealing.

I'm just kind of twisting around this person's premise and Yeah.

Have you ever heard Tom Waits talk about the muse?

No.

So he thinks the muse is like a real thing, like you're talking about. It's like a vibe, for lack of a better term. So there's all these stories about Tom Waits sitting in front of his piano for like 10 hours a day, just screaming, being like alright, you bitch, I'm here, I'm ready to do the work. Wow. I'm in front of the piano.

It's just so hard to know. Right? It's so hard to know what's going on.

Yeah, but you can't write a book unless you're in front of the typewriter. Right. You can't write a song unless you're in front of the keyboard. All these guys are like how do you write a book? It's like you have to be at the station where you do the work.

I've talked about it too many times, but have you ever read Pressfield's War of Art?

No, I have not.

Oh, we have a copy of it for you, then. I'd love to. He sent us a box of them because I used to give it to comics when they would, or any kind of creative person when they came on the podcast. But Pressfield wrote this book and he talks about the muse as if it's a real thing. Yeah.

Well, it's like we have. we always count on inspiration to come into our lives. but if you can, kind of like, create a situation where that inspiration is more easily available to you, whatever that is, it's playing your music, it's drinking coffee, like. however, you can like try and harness that ethereal thing that is inspiration. I think you can be a better creative.

Yeah. There's also different ways that ideas come, right? Like one of the things that Stephen King would do a lot of people would do this is they would write and then they would go for a walk. Yeah. So, while you wrote everything, and now let's go for a walk and just think about what you wrote.

Yeah, that was a big thing for me when I wrote my book was to write and then go on a walk and maybe smoke a little weed, and then you see it all differently and you can come back and realize what was bullshit and like what was a complete waste of time, and then go back in and try and address that and then also grow the things that were like a little idea, but then you can expand upon them, and it's literally just not being in front of the computer. It's your eyes seeing real light, I think is a big part of it, because I have to write at my desk in my computer, but then, as soon as you get outside, you're like, oh, that's how light hits a tree at this time of day. or like that's actually lavender. I was talking about lilac. There's just all these little things that are, I mean, romantic for sure, but also very applicable in concrete ways to your art.

Yeah. I think it's also getting out makes your blood pump. Oh for sure. It's walking around. I think there's the thing about walking is it's a very low level cardio.

You're as smart as the Versa climber.

You can't think you're fucking tired. so you don't want to be tired when you're thinking things, but you also want to be a little bit energized. and there's something about walking that, just sort of because the heart is not beating. you know, 60 beats a minute. now it might be beating 75 or 80, or just a little extra, just a little something.

Swimming's good for that too. Swimming's nice. Yeah, you get in the pool and all of a sudden everything is changed. You have a complete different perspective and you're just in there doing your laps, or even if you're just like floating, like when I was in Vegas, I had to swim because you can't walk around outside, so I would just be in the pool. I remember there was this big fat dude and he was like hey, man, you're putting in the work, man.

Oh my god. That's hilarious.

He was my pool buddy, though. He was encouraging me.

Maybe he did time.

I think so. He was trying to survive.

They probably did that to him while they were fucking him.

It wasn't just his thighs. He wasn't receiving platonic knowledge.

Yeah, they're not being nice to you when they fuck you in jail. I heard.

I don't think so.

Especially when they put a swastika on your back. Maybe that helped them come. Like look, if we make it quicker, if I can just put a swastika on your back.

Give me a target man.

Maybe he like made a deal with them. Okay. Alright, sure. Okay, that's really what's going to help make this quicker.

He was good. in the water. He was like a seal.

He was probably so happy to be in the water. He never had water in jail.

You can't get fucked in the ass in water.

True. It'd be very hard. Especially in deep water. Yeah. Yeah, I mean good luck.

Like, there's that.

How could he be hard?

What was that like? That boat during, I think, the Pacific Theater of World War II? that like they sank it and then they were in these shark infested waters and they just kept getting picked off like you'd be floating with your buddy, and then all of a sudden he would just disappear forever. Well, I heard on a podcast that also there was feverish homosexuality. So dudes would be like on a plank of wood and just savage each other.

See if you can find anything on that.

Yeah.

I was already looking before you finished talking. Oh yeah.

He's got a lot of butt fucking windows open over there.

Butt fucking while getting eaten by sharks. Yeah. Wow.

Which one's worse?

I guess, if you were in that sort of scenario, and especially for long periods of time, your mind just must be so overwhelmed with anxiety and fear and acceptance, and then sadness when you're watching people around you getting killed. Yeah. The morbid fucking the tissue floating in the water. whatever's left of your friends.

And also like if someone's bleeding, you get as far away from them as possible because the sharks are going to eat them. It's probably just your brain trying to protect yourself, so it just reverts back to like your very simian part of yourself, which is like hold someone down, overpower them and get it out of you.

And all the other people, they're going to die too. We watched you fuck, Harry. Why'd you do that? Harry said stop, and you kept going. Hey, why I oughta.

I didn't think anyone would be able to tell this story. Sorry, bros.

This is the 1940s. meanwhile, I made it to a podcast in 2024.. Wow.

We're not naming names.

No, we don't know any names.

I would gladly if I knew.

I would, if I knew them. I'd name their names.

Yeah, where's their plaque? This guy buttfucked a bunch of people.

How about the guy who got buttfucked? Not only did he watch all his friends get eaten by sharks, he also got buttfucked.

He had a purple heart and a purple sleeve.

And he's like don't worry about it, we're all going to be dead in an hour or two.

Take me!

And then they get rescued.

They're just tattooing swastikas on him.

And then they get rescued. That guy who he buttfucked. Hey! What about what happened on the fucking raft? dude?

You'd think the L.

You guys need to sell some subscriptions. Yeah. Yeah, they apparently just let a bunch of people go. I would not want to be a fucking reporter right now.

No, but there's good journalism going on.

Oh yeah. Most of it's independent.

That Whitney Webb character.

She's a character.

She's cool.

Yeah, that lady knows a lot. Mm-hmm.

I don't know how she knows it all, but God, I'd be afraid if I were her. Oh yeah. They're going to disappear pretty quick. I think she lives.

in another country.

Doesn't she? Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, I watched her on a bunch of shows. I watched her on Patrick, Bet, David. I watched her on. I think she was on Jimmy Dore's show a few times. She knows a lot.

I think Tim's got a direct line to her.

That's a wild thing to be focusing on. The evil oligarchs.

The bloodlines.

Oh yeah, all that shit. Yeah. The bloodline stuff is wild.

It is.

That's really wild.

Tim like called her when we were in Europe. I was opening for him in April over there and he really wanted to go to St. Petersburg, Russia, to eat a meal at Gogol, which is like the best restaurant in the world, allegedly. Oh really? So he called her.

They might snatch him up.

I think he'd be compromised. And then I'd be the other guy. Yeah. They'd just think I was a fat prostitute. I'll let him swastika his back.

At all. That's hilarious. Yeah, man. That's hilarious. Yeah, he's a wild boy.

And hey, I was all for it, dude. I was like yeah. Let's go.

Yeah, you can't go over there.

No. No.

We just signed a 10 year contract to supply them with weapons. Just supply Ukraine with weapons for the next 10 years. Yeah. I think this whole thing is. it's terrifying to watch.

Yeah.

There's so much money going over there and there's so much money we continue to send. It's just like how is this okay with everybody? How is anybody letting this happen? Yeah.

I mean the taxpayers are really holding the bag on it too.

Dave Smith had a wild suggestion. What was that? He's full of those. He is. He was doing a debate about Russia and Ukraine and he said one of the ways to incentivize Russia to stop attacking Ukraine is if we left NATO.

Whoa.

Not only should we say that Ukraine is not going to join NATO, but we're going to leave NATO. I was like whoa.

What would be the repercussions of that, though?

Who fuck knows.

We would just be a wandering.

Well, look at the repercussions of being a part of it. Look at the repercussions of what's going on right now, because Dave is the best at explaining and he'll credit Scott Horton and a lot of other people. but Dave is really good at recalling information, explaining how the whole red line with Putin was Ukraine joining NATO. They always knew that. And they kept moving NATO-based countries.

Or there's some cool resources that just so happen to be right there.

There just happens to be a lot of lithium in the area.

It's very convenient that they need democracy right now.

And the same people that are telling you that Joe Biden's fine, that's how things get done.

They're very creative. with what facts.

And the facts change over time. And sometimes they don't even know. One of the more interesting exchanges about the Ukraine war was with, of all people, Candace Owens. Candace Owens was talking about how corrupt Ukraine was. So someone sends her a message from the New York Times, what evidence do you have that Ukraine is corrupt?

Before the narrative changed. Yeah.

Before the narrative changed. And now, all of a sudden, everyone has a Ukraine flag. Damn. Like, yeah, Ukraine should not have been invaded. Yeah, it's all fucked up.

Oh, my God, they coddle us so much.

Oh, it's so.

Oh, you mean.

an informed opinion? Right. Are you fucking trying to stop informed opinions? And a lot of them from, like, professors at Stanford and Harvard, this is bananas.

Right, and then there's, like, it's condescending. Exactly. You're talking down to these people that you're trying to get onto your side. And a lot of them, if they're smart, will be like, come on, I'm not a baby.

Yeah, it's fucking annoying. And the people that are doing it right now about Biden, they're telling you how you should vote, even though you know he's impaired, you definitely shouldn't vote for Trump. Like, don't tell people that, you fucking idiot, because it's going to make more people angry and want to vote for Trump.

It's indefensible.

You are not going to convince anyone walking down the west side of New York City talking into your phone about what a threat Trump is to democracy. You aren't changing anybody's fucking vote. You're just being a condescending, scolding, liberal cunt, which is what drives everyone crazy.

Scolding for verbiage is like the worst thing that the liberal side does.

Ugh. But the fucking conservatives used to do it, too. It's a human characteristic. And this is what's important. Everybody wants to get on this.

There's a narrative.

In order to be in this group.

There's a party line.

If you tell me how you feel about the Second Amendment, I can tell you how you feel about abortion. Almost 80% of the time. Right. Which is wild. It's wild.

And boundless.

Boundless. Immense. And more immense than we even thought it was. Now they're looking into the James Webb telescope. They're finding galaxies that are so big so long ago that they couldn't have existed, possibly in a short amount of time.

Which is good.

Yeah, but it's still like. what does that even mean? It's too much.

There's like division is really important to people in power, because they keep us fighting each other instead of against the presidency or the government. So back in the day it was like racism, and there's still racism in this country, but like, we're moving further. You know? And then it was like class conflict, but now it's like everyone's poor. You know?

Yeah. It works kind of.

Kind of, but I mean it's still a big experiment and democracy is flawed, but it's still the best thing that we have. You know?

It's the best thing going, but the problem is we made a fatal flaw when we allowed them to use money.

Oh yeah.

That's the fatal flaw. The fatal flaw is letting politics and the money and lobbyists and special interest groups and corporations donate to political candidates. As soon as we did that that should be illegal. we should think of it as a bribe. Yeah.

It is a bribe. It is a bribe.

100% a bribe. Especially in this day and age. everything should be supported 100% by the people, for the people. That's only how it should be. And if we find out that corporations are involved, or the corporations are even suggesting that people should be involved, we should like fine them.

Right. It's just a tactic.

Corruption is a tactic.

Which is fucked. It's funny because, like I used to live in an anarchist commune in upstate New York when I was like from like 18 to 22..

How did you get involved in that?

My best friend from high school moved to Ithaca to go to college and we were in bands together. so I was like college sucked, you know. so I went to school in Denver and then I went out there to stay with him and we like. wrote like 12 songs over like two weeks and I was like. and then I was like, well, I'm not gonna stay in school, I'm gonna move up here.

Goblin House.

Yeah, dude. And like when we moved in this dude named Bob Wolf, Young 2, he had the number 2 in his last name. What? Yeah. He like, changed his name.

Oh, wow.

Great guy. But I remember when he showed us the room. he was like this is where you will sleep, and I just wanted to know are you guys up to group sex? No dude, we just want to like have the practice space. we had this like it was an abattoir.

They share so many similar behavior patterns. Yeah. That's what it is. It's like the opinion. it's like we're talking about jokes.

Yeah. They're seeing through the veil in that cult. they're the only ones who are living a justified life.

Did I tell you the cult story about the place that I initially bought before we bought the Ritz?

I think I heard trickles of this story, but not directly from you.

Adam Eget. Yeah. is the one who saved me. this is what happened. so Ron White fucked me.

No. I'm on the road.

he's on the road somewhere else. Right. I don't get to see Dave Chappelle, but when we're in town together, then we could all see each other's sets, Right. So we would all like like and then hang together, Right. and talk.

Oh, no.

Adam calls hey man, did you watch the documentary on that cult? I'm like they have a documentary.

That's not good.

No. It's bad. The documentary is called Holy Hell and the guy who was the cult member, the cult leader, was a gay porn star who was also a hypnotist.

Oh, those are two of the worst things you can be.

I mean like this fucking guy. he changed his name multiple times. his original name was Jaime Gomez. he was actually an extra in Roseanne's Baby or Rosemary's Baby. alright, he was like in one of the scenes in the end of Rosemary's Baby.

he's gotta be hot to run a cult.

he was hot as hell and just had this cult going for a long time in West Hollywood, but then Waco popped off. so then the cult awareness network had been getting like parents would be saying where the fuck is my kid and they would be in this cult. and so, like people were starting to like investigate him. so to throw people off the track, this fucking guy moves to Austin, changes his name again and then has his followers build him this beautiful theater where he could dance in front of them.

just for dancing?

just for dancing.

and hypnotism?

and that's the place I bought.

to buttfuck you? for the privilege? for the privilege.

so he would. you'd come to him for therapy, you'd have to give him $50 and then he would give you his therapy and then he'd fuck you.

I mean maybe he has. maybe he knows some stuff we don't know. maybe he was helping people. I don't think so, no?

no, I think people are just.

I'm an optimist.

I think human beings have a thing in us that makes us want to believe nonsense.

yeah, and we're looking for some kind of solution to the chaos that we're surrounded by exactly.

and that could manifest itself in you being a diehard democrat, that don't think there's anything wrong with Joe Biden, and Joe Biden's his age is his strength.

he's sundowning.

his fucking wife was on TV talking about his performance and she was saying that he's sharp as a back.

no, no, no.

have you seen it? have you seen Joe Biden get interviewed? she was with him, right? yeah.

and he's just standing behind her like a wax figure. you did so good, Joe, you answered.

every question he's like.

did I? yeah? oh yeah, I did, I did.

I'm the best poor guy. he's like me if I was on a.

versiclimber.

that's where he's at right now what?

that's him leading the country, what? huh?

yeah, he's obliterated, but believing that that guy's okay is the same thing as believing that this gay porn star, who's a hipotist, is really like. you know what's really wild about the documentary? um, he had this thing that he would do to them called the knowing, and you had to earn it somehow. you had to, like you know, be on the right path for long enough and he would give you this thing where he would. it was a ritual and during the ritual he would put his hands on you and to this day, the people that had it, even the people that complained about him, were in the documentary.

when his hands were upon them.

he puts his hands. I mean he's really intense, like these intense burning eyes. he puts his hands on their knees and they're like.

ahhhh.

so it's like there's an endogenous release of psychedelic chemicals that was through this, this moment, this ritual thing, this, the power of suggestion and, whatever the vibe that the two of them have, clearly hypnosis as well. he locks on to this person, and these people were like just writhing in, like in orgasms, in just like ecstasy, just like ahhhh, and to this day they're all taught, even though they're saying he's bullshit. they're like that moment. when that happened to me, it changed me forever, wow.

so he could like somehow make them release like the DMT or the oxytocin that's in their brains, and they were flooded, yup.

all that, all that and more probably I mean we're isolating specific things like, you know, dopamine, serotonin, DMT, there's all these different things that people are. but I have a feeling the real cocktail, what's really up, is everything altogether. yeah, that's what that's probably the real like. whatever it is that you have when you have near death experiences, they're all the most potent psychedelic chemicals known to man that your brain makes.

just a Long Island iced tea of brain chemicals boom, and your brain's afloat in it yeah.

and it's a fuckin 4th of July fireworks display inside of there, yeah, and it just pops off, and this guy knew how to get people to experience it just from this thing. see if you can find video of him doing that.

I envy those people.

I do a little too.

to feel something that transcendent on earth.

if you could just believe it enough that this guy can just do that to you.

I don't believe in anything. I believe in me and my friends and my family and the community that I can build, but it's really hard to have any faith in anything bigger than myself.

well, you have to have an open mind, right, but you also can't.

I think I do.

you can't really believe anything. there's no evidence for, like a lot of my ideas about what, the how the universe works and how everything works, and karma and life and energy. it's just an idea.

do you believe in karma?

I don't know what it means, so I don't think that necessarily.

like a psychic cancer.

yeah, that attracts others.

yes,

I think that's real. I don't think.

altruism is real at all.

I think there's some real altruism, and it's usually between people that know each other.

yeah, but okay.

kindness and generosity.

but is that altruism or is that just doing the right thing for your community? well,

it's I always say that being generous is selfish.

it is because it makes you feel good. yeah, it makes you feel good, it elevates you.

but it also is really a good thing to do, because it makes other people feel really good.

if there's no altruism, it's okay if you're still doing the right thing. if you get off on it, you still benefited someone else.

you do, but why should you not benefit while they're benefiting too? as long as you're not being selfish and narcissistic about it, why don't you just do it? yeah, of course it feels good to make people feel good, but it also makes them feel good, so you should do it. you should not not make them feel good because you're worried it's going to make you feel good and they're selfish. yeah, that seems silly.

well, you have to share what you have based on how much you have, because, like when I was poor, it was like my friends, my best friends would have like half a joint and they would smoke that half a joint with me. yeah, and now that I have like more resources compared to some of my friends, I'm always buying meals and, like you know that kind of thing and they're like hey, man, you don't have to do this, and it's like. well, you were, you rode with me when we had eight dollars to rub together. yeah, and now I have more than eight dollars. so, like, I'm glad to be able to do this for you.

yeah, the difference between like being able to pay for a meal easy yeah, and not thinking about it in the, where you're wondering how much things cost and you're adding it all up in your head. that's a, that's a huge difference. yeah, the alleviation of that is the most important thing, like. Brian Callan said that to me once. he said the real wealth is like when you go to a restaurant and you don't worry about what anything costs.

100%.

once you get past that everybody goes like. it's all bullshit and I'm like I think he's right.

that is very, that is profound, yeah.

I agree with that because, like no matter where you live, your house just feels like your house. if you have to spend 10 million dollars for a house or if you just have a fucking two bedroom apartment, that's quiet and not dangerous. you know, it's just house, it's home.

I have a hard time feeling at home anywhere.

because the road.

yeah, I mean I've been on the road since I was with the band first and then stand up real hard and now, like, like the last six months of last year, my wife and I didn't have an address. we were just like living on the road and it was romantic, oh wow, but it was so daunting. dude, I remember my sister was like what do you want to do for new years? and I was like what if we just got like an Airbnb and like cooked dinner and hung out and she's like, oh so, your idea of a party is like living in a home. you need to fucking move somewhere, man.

mmm, that's interesting and it's like.

it's good, all my dreams are coming true, but then you have to realize like who you are isn't gonna be fixed by everything you wanted happening right. you still have to like figure out what's the root cause of you. you know it's Wednesday and you're like I've been home for two days. god, I can't wait to get to fucking Batavia, you know.

but isn't it? because you love what you do, I do, and you're good at what you do. I really love what I do, yeah.

I'm super grateful to be a comic.

there's that right.

yeah,

and that's like the way to do. that is like you kinda gotta do the road.

I think so you gotta do the road and like. for a long time it was like I couldn't get booked in these rooms, but now I can. so it's like Mitch Hedberg said, like he wouldn't say no to gigs, because he remembers five years previous when he couldn't get those gigs. and that's me right now. it's like I worked like fucking 49 weekends last year or something.

right.

cause I'm used to existing in chaos. you know, I'm used to being constantly going forward and uh.

and you enjoy it.

I love it dude.

yeah, that's. there's nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong with that. so the thing is like people will tell you, because of a narrative like a from a movie or a book, that you're supposed to settle down somewhere. yeah, says who? I don't know.

and there's a sense of loneliness and desolation on the road that you try to fill in with booze or drugs.

unless you travel with friends.

and I do. now I gotta bring my own feature, and it's the best, and he hasn't drank for eight years. I pump the brakes on boozing. I'm like drinking with purpose. now, when I do drink, not just like 15 million lights every night.

fucked up.

well, I know, and that's a valuable purpose. but when you're just doing the Friday early show and you've already had seven beers, and then you wake up Saturday and you're like hungover and you're like well, I guess I have to have 12 more beers tonight to get normal and you're not even getting drunk. you're drinking Miller Lite and you're just confused and bloated. that's all you get out of it.

well, you lost a lot of weight.

I did. yeah, I'm like 50 pounds this year. that's awesome.

congratulations, thanks man. that's fucking huge.

I have to, and do you just?

do that by hitting the yes. please stay alive.

I love being alive.

we need more funny people. thanks, man, are you just hitting the brakes on booze? that's all you had to do.

hitting the brakes on booze. well, that's 1500 calories in pure sugar that I'm not taking in every four days out of the week. wow, so that's great, you know. and then also eating better and then movement, moving around. you know, I spend a lot of time outside and now that we're actually going to be in a home, the weight set's going back in.

so you'd be telling people can I stay at your house?

I wouldn't even ask. I would just say on stage you look rich, can I stay in the boathouse and they'd be like alright, get in here, you crazy kid.

that's amazing.

and that's how I survived on the road for like ever, wow.

so how many times do you think you did that?

countless. that was my move. it was straight up my move.

and you stayed in people's houses.

yeah, cause I learned it from like punk rock, like we would play only all ages shows. so you would either stay in the venue, you'd stay in the squat or someone would bring you home and like you'd hear them have a conversation with their girlfriend in the next room, and then she'd be like loud and he'd be like you guys gotta be out by 6am, but we had a roof over our head.

wow.

and then you had the next day, and that sense of purpose that you have on the road is so pure. you have a destination that night. you have a thing you need to accomplish.

right, right, right.

and like. luckily I read, like cause I came from like, like I really admired, like SST records, like early 80s, like hardcore, like that's where I came from and I remember reading I think it was Henry Rollins book Get in the Van, where the first trip he did with Black Flag. they practiced for like two months in LA and they got real good when he joined the band. and then their first tour date was in Oklahoma. and like 12 kids came and he was like fuck this, why are we working so hard?

show. yeah, it's an interesting thing. like, if you go to a show and there's only a hundred people and it's a 300 seat venue, you're upset that only a hundred. but that's a hundred people that paid money to came out to see you. yeah, treat them.

probably he's always saying cool stuff, he.

said a lot of cool shit out in that pond, but

it's like. you can't compare yourself to your friends. no, like. if I compared myself to Shane, I would be like crestfallen, right what I am, I'm not like, and his rise is so good for comedy in general and he's been so generous, you know. he put my special on his channel, like he doesn't have to do any of these things right.

was like oh rocks for that guy with the queer.

tattoo exactly yeah, that guy's punk rock, but so is Shane's ethos. he brought his friends with him, he built this stuff. he did everything independently. is this Twain? nice, no way, really wonder.

comparison is the thief of joy, yeah.

thief's, a better word.

the death of joy. Roosevelt said thief of joy, but who was first? I don't know who was before. when was Roosevelt? Roosevelt was.

post post Wayne, yeah.

yeah, so you probably heard it from Twain and snatched it a lot, Joe.

Biden, have you ever heard what Twain did for Ulysses S Grant? no, so like Grant's the president of the. but everyone thinks he's this like insane booze bag because he got busted being drunk one time on watch. so he becomes president, leaves the Union Army, but then the money wears out. so he's like on a train, Ulysses S Grant and fucking, oh, and his brother like, spent all of his money.

wow, yeah, and they would have sold him down the river they.

would have given him a thousand bucks to have a best-selling novel. Wow, you know or not? novel that's.

what I had her about that. yeah, yeah, Mark Twain was a. I think he was the first.

comic. I agree, yeah right, I think so he.

would read funny things in front of people and they would laugh they.

had to because he didn't have any money. oh yeah, it's like when Jeremy Piven hits the.

road. so when Twain did that he didn't have money back then, like.

I think he well publishing deal. he was the first like dude who harnessed the reins of his own production and like writing. I think Dickens did that to a certain degree too, but he owned the publishing and he would like sell it himself. then he hit the road. I can't remember the name of remember why, but I think it was a cash grab and he did these public speaking engagements where he would do bits and stuff.

of makes sense. yeah, that kind of makes sense. you'd like, oh, how can I make some money here? mm-hmm do tours, like you've seen. a lot of podcasters do that now.

you got to cash in a momentum when you have. yeah, it's the hardest thing to accrue I get.

it too, especially if you don't have jokes.

oh dude, we're just.

used to doing stuff in front of audiences. these guys they look. they look at, look at that as like some frontier that they have to. yeah, I'm like, oh, we have fucking tents out there. we've been living out here for a hundred years, oh yeah.

we're Bedouins man, you want some fucking camel milk, yeah.

Sam Talley can't even feel comfortable in his own house. can't because

I'm just so used to being like what are we doing today? what's our?

purpose. the people that have an experience that before, like Jordan, like it, was telling me how much it wears on. yeah, yeah, like, yeah, yeah, it wears on you. it wears on you when you fly, like I just flew from Vegas on Sunday morning. it wears on you.

you're not, and also I have a hard time like spending the money to move up front. you know right like I spent six hundred dollars once to fly back from Australia in the first in first class, and it was an insane deal and my wife was like do it, dude. and then, the whole time I was sitting up there, I was just pissed at myself for being such a bourgeois person.

oh yeah, that's going to be a problem as you become more successful.

I know.

that'll be an issue, I know. yeah, there's a lot of. one thing that definitely happens is people develop this sort of crisis. you know the imposter syndrome sort of thing that happens when you become famous and when you become successful.

I don't have imposter syndrome. I know I'm good at the job. yes, what I have is like turning your back on your ideals of like punk rock, like you know, dumpsters. that thing's hard for me to get over.

right, and I see what you're saying. well, I know a lot of people that get the imposter syndrome thing too, because when success comes at a very high level, it becomes baffling, like you're hanging out with famous people. it doesn't make sense, it feels weird.

it's so weird to be in this room. you know what I mean. it's so strange to me, dude like I'm really grateful to be here, but it is just like also weird to remember how far away from this room I was for such a long time. that's funny.

yeah, well, this room's been around. well, not this one, but one of them been around for 15 years, which is that's crazy too. that's hard to believe.

yeah, perspective is such a warping experience. yeah, it really is how far you've come.

as you get more successful, you're gonna get weird with money. it's gonna feel weird to you.

it's not what you make, it's what you save.

yeah, but it's like what do you do with it like? I think of money as fun coupons. sure, that's how I think of it, like how much fun.

can I have with this? I think of it as safety. it can be taken away at any moment.

sure that's up to a point. once you pass a certain bank account number, then it becomes fun coupon.

I remember when I had my first comma in my bank account. I called my dad.

nice, you got a comma, dad.

yeah, dude.

yeah, commas are nice, but it's like the thing is, you're still gonna be you. yeah, you're not gonna. you don't have to sleep in the back of the bus and you don't have to fucking. you don't have to do anything stupid to just prove that you used to be poor.

you don't have to self-flagellate yourself.

yeah, but it's also like you have all these fun coupons. why do you have them? if you're not gonna spend them, you should be spending them.

oh, I mean I'm burning them down. did you get a nice car? no, I have a 2007 Chevy Impala. I don't have a bunch of, like you know, cool jewelry.

you got a nice watch.

my wife got this for me. it's $400. it's a beautiful watch. it's a great watch. what kind of watch is that?

that's great.

love and affection.

no, that's definitely cool.

but I did spend like.

you should get a nice car.

$50,000 on dining.

if you didn't feel like a bourgeois pig, yeah, driving a car, what kind of car would you drive?

I would like a very safe car. you know what I want, dude. is I want a Ford Astro van or I want one of those like Benz's, those like passenger vans that they have?

oh yeah,

like skateboard teams right around, yeah.

that's what I want. I wish I could put a podcast studio in the back. no, I could. we were going to do that. yeah, we had talked about that in LA, remember Jamie?

yeah, dude, right there, look at it.

plus, you can take naps in there too, like if you have to park somewhere, like to be somewhere for a little bit, and you have some time, I can't nap.

I wish I could nap. no, really, I have a really hard time napping. I can't turn my brain off in the middle of the day. wow, yeah, it sucks.

that sucks.

it's really bad for radio exactly that.

oh so, once you're up, you're up for the whole day. yeah, oh.

I know, and then there's just an amount of coffee. you have to keep up jerking off. I've dabbled.

yeah, that's usually the best.

turns out. it's pretty.

cool. that's like a sleep button. it is pretty cool.

but I do like to conserve that essence for my wife.

I hear you, so you just save all your loads.

I save every load man, I come home and I batter my beautiful wife.

that's honorable. yeah, nothing else. you try, melatonin or anything else. sleep, mask, anything.

it's just like laying in a bed in the middle of the day you can't turn your brain off. I can't do it, dude.

yeah, well, fuck radio, I guess.

no, I know.

yeah, that's it. that's the only solution. the only solution is fuck radio.

I mean, and I like had to be like medical with my like managers. I was like I really can't do radio because I can't go back to bed and then people will come out for two shows and they'll get a worse version of the show. that right, you know.

yeah, it's a big difference too, man. when you're really tired and you look at that ten o'clock show, you're like fuck. you already did the seven o'clock show.

you're taking a break. you did the merch line.

and you're sitting down and you're fucking really tired, like you're literally yawning. yeah, yeah. and then, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the chuckle hut.

right. who's ready to laugh? come on.

you can do better than that.

right, who's ready to laugh and due to, like the different groups of like the Venn diagrams that create. the people who come to see me are like Stan, Hope, Shane, Kill, Tony, you. so these people have very high expectations. right comedy, right. so I always feel like I really gotta do a good job.

that's the best way to feel always, forever.

for sure.

keep that forever. I get nervous for every show, every show I do, even now, me too, yeah.

I get nervous. I thought it would get easier once they were coming to see you.

nope, worse, harder.

worse expectation.

yeah, harder, yeah, yeah, you gotta keep that, that's forever.

yeah, I hope so.

I keep that forever. that's the same thing with a lot of stuff. when you care about something, you should be nervous, you should feel a little giddy about it, a little excited, like not, not without confidence. I have confidence. I do stand up every night.

do primate posture.

yeah, I do some deep breathing exercises, I stretch out, I drink some water, maybe have an espresso. let's fucking go, I literally.

got this tattoo to remind myself that this is fun. it says this is fun. that's my micing hand, so I can see my wrist and it reminds me, when I'm on stage, that this is fun. that's great.

that should be a thing that everybody in your group does. you should make it like a brand like a Nazi swastika on the back. So we can all come quick. This is fun! Why are you jerking off?

Well, my podcast, Chubby Behemoth, we all got matching tattoos for like a Patreon goal. What'd you guys get? Just like this, like, ninja turtle on our thighs. This guy, Bako, that's like the avenging ninja turtle that we ripped. Yeah, so, like now we are all marked forever.

Why not? It's fun, dude. There's no such thing as forever.

I have a Go Bananas tattoo with all the Go Bananas boys right here on my wrist. Oh, Go Bananas, the comedy club?

Yeah, that's hilarious. Yeah, there's a bunch of those Go Bananas. I think there's one in New Jersey, too. There's bananas in New Jersey.

Oh, Go Bananas is completely independent. Yeah, they came up with that idea on their own.

Yeah, we didn't even know about bananas when we opened up Go Bananas. Yeah, no way. What are you talking about? That's funny. I thought they were all the same company.

Probably. The logo, the alien head? Dude, people get tattoos of you. Ew. People get tattoos of my book.

what were you going through when this happened? Hopefully, good. Hopefully, they're in a good place. Yeah. Yeah, there's like hundreds of tattoos of my face out there.

They're not the most glamorous version of your face either. I don't think I have a glamorous version of my face. Well, it's usually the one where you're like...

Yeah, it's usually some crazy face from yelling about something. It's like you're coming fire. Ooh, boy. Yeah. Yeah, or I got capsaicin.

I'm always using pretentious words that I read and then I mispronounce them. So you look pretentious and stupid at the same time.

The real problem is you talk to a person who actually knows what the fuck they're talking about and you're throwing those words around. Uh-huh. Some of my biggest L's have been in that exact situation. Yeah. Well, you know, pretentiousness is kind of gross.

I was emailing this lady, Emma Klein, who's an author I admire, and I like, spelled her last name wrong throughout the email. Oh no. I know. I, like, you know, told her I read all three of her books. Oh no.

You should send her a letter again. I should. About how stupid you feel. Very sorry.

We talked about it on a podcast. Yes.

Your memory's fucked because you've been sleeping on people's floors in Random Houses for 20 years.

Eating quinoa? Yeah. I remember when quinoa happened. Quinoa. That was big.

Yeah, everybody thought they were going to get healthy with some bizarre new grain. Oh yeah.

Yeah, this one's got a lot of protein. Oh, it's so good for you. It's better than buckwheat.

It just tastes like shit. It's the worst. Tastes like nothing.

And like. we wouldn't make any money at these shows, but they would have a big quinoa dinner. One time, bro, we had to have a talkback in Lansing, Michigan at this, like hardcore anarchist home. And after the show they were like, would you guys mind doing a talkback about your political ideals? And the singer, of course, was like, hell yeah.

actually hit reality. Well, those fringe communities, like an anarchist community, I'm always fascinated by people that like, whether they're furries or whatever it is, like these bizarre fringe communities that have their own sort of language, way of looking at things and things. they all accept that most people don't. What Kool-Aid? they've all drank collectively.

Juggalos are the best one. Oh, really? Yeah. Cause. juggalos are like wild people, but they will give you the shirt off their back because they're all about family.

juggalo nation, man. They're cool. Did you do a lot of juggalo shows? I mean, I grew up in.

Eastern Colorado, so I had a lot of juggalo friends. Oh wow. But then whenever I see juggalos at shows now, they're always like first in line at the merch, they'll buy everything you have at.

the table. They're awesome. What an amazing sort of movement, the insane clown posse of all people, out of all groups of people created. Yeah. Kind of nuts.

That's pure chaos. No way that came from a plant. Or maybe it does prove there's a God,

because God enjoys all kinds of different humans interacting in all sorts of bizarre ways. He.

enjoys chicken hunting. Yeah, he enjoys everything. I think Big J is doing the gathering this year. Is he? I would fly in for that show, dude.

Big J is perfect for that, because he's so good at riffing. Yeah. So this is the insane clown. posse juggalo gathering? Yeah.

dancing around, banging into each other. I've met some worldly juggalos, man. Really? I met this guy who was a professor at Duke for a while, and then he tapped out, and his midlife crisis was becoming a juggalo. Whoa.

they do. And I was enchanted. That's interesting. Well, if you wanted to look at it from a human, psychological perspective, there is a purity to it, because there's no pretension involved at all.

in being a juggalo. Yes. Yeah. I loathe pretension, because I think I'm guilty of it a lot, because I read books and stuff. And you want people to know you read books.

Sherwood Anderson. Let's have a conversation. Some sci-fi and fantasy is lower fiction, but there's some really good shit. I know. Neil Blomkamp.

It's really good, though. I met George R.R. Martin. Oh, did you really? Yeah, he came to see, I was opening for Burt in New Mexico, and George R.R.

see Burt? Yeah. That's amazing. In Santa Fe. That's incredible.

I'm just like a realist when it comes to literature. I love reading about like men risking their lives for like $80.. Those are my favorite novels. Oh, really? Yeah.

Yeah. That's a, there's something about writing, about the stuff that he writes about too. Like that Western style. Yeah. Kind of like the, just the reality of the existence.

It's insane. Is it like Deadwood-esque?

Well, it's realistic, is what it is. It's like a realistic depiction of what it was like when people made their way across the country on wagons and how people were lost along the way. But it's just the way it's done. is, it's so good, dude.

If you like this kind of stuff, dude, you should read Warlock, which is exactly what you just described. Oh yeah. It's like a postmodern Western. It's really cool.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's like an easy one to like get lost in. A postmodern Western. Yeah. It's like a self-aware Western. Like the guy uses all, like the trappings of the traditional Western, but then he runs it through like his lens is like a literary author.

It's really fucking good. Well, I mean, just think about how crazy this fucking country is. Yeah. Like 400 years ago, it was just Native Americans. Yeah.

Yeah. And then they get to the Rocky mountains and they're like, Hey, we're good. We're going to stay right here. A lot of people do. Then the true psychos were the ones who got through the Rockies, man.

Yeah. Well, that's what I always said about Texas. Cause. like the, this, the thing about this country is right. The people that are here, that weren't Native Americans, everybody and their ancestors started in the East and made their way West.

decades. It's crazy. And like how exponential the next great thing was. Yes. That's what I always think about.

And what we're going through right now is going to change all that multitudes. It's going to be beyond the printing press, beyond the invention of the internet, whatever the fuck the AI thing is. Everyone's just guessing what it's going to be like, but whatever it is, it's going to be like that vampire on that spaceship.

A hundred percent. A hundred percent. Yeah. We're going to be trapped with a superior predator.

Exactly. And it's not going to have emotions either. And if it does, it'll engineer those.

out. Like what are these stupid things? What's the point of these?

Yeah. These things aren't helping anything. I don't even have a dick.

Emotions are interesting because it's like people who are beholden to their emotions when they like make it your problem, because they're experiencing, obviously, if you're mentally ill, that's one thing. But if you're just like a person who's like bummed and you want to put that on me, it's like, grow up. Everyone deals with all of these things. I'm just not going to project it upon you and make your time worse.

Well, a lot of it's patterns. They learn the patterns in the family.

No, you're very right. You're very right.

It's real hard. If you grow up with morons, it's really hard to break free and think clearly. And they also have this like weird energy that you get from your family and the way they look at things. Like some families, they just woe is me forever.

Right. And those patterns give you comfort because they remind you of when you were safe.

And they also don't know what to talk about. So they come on, you know, my fucking job, I swear to God, I wish I could quit. I fucking hate it. And come on, you're like, oh no, not this again.

We're so lucky that all of our friends are the funniest people alive. Oh, we're so lucky. That's the best part of standup.

We say it all the time in that green room. We're like, we are so lucky to be here. We're so lucky. Especially when you consider how you first started, you know, the earliest days to be here. now.

Yeah. Ron White, handing me a cigar will never not lose its charm. It's always so cool.