#2176 - Chad Daniels
2024-07-17 02:43:54
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
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Hello Chad. Hi. What's happening man? Nothing much. Nice to meet you in person.
Yeah, likewise.
We were already chatting about how Google is totally listening to me. Right. Confirmed, 100%. Because your Google News feed is always, like, stuff that you're interested in, pretty much. But I was having a conversation with my wife about purses, and she was explaining to me that certain purses, like, you can't just buy the purse.
You have to develop a relationship with the store owner. I'm like, what?
I don't get that. You think if you're trying to sell stuff, you'd want to sell it right when they came in?
Exactly. I don't get it. But, like, there's a thing that certain, like, posh, people really love, and it's exclusivity. Sure. They love it.
I'm the only one that can get this watch. I'm the only one that can get this fucking purse, or whatever it is. So, anyway, all of a sudden, Google starts showing me purse things. They start showing me all this stuff about purses. I didn't look anything up about purses.
I just had a conversation with the phone sitting at the dinner table. That's crazy.
Yeah, it happens all the time. It's weird. It ends up in your feed. You're like, oh, my forearms are too small. Next thing you know, you've got these Flexi deals and the Gorilla Grip deal thingy that spins around.
There's no doubt it happens. There's 100% no doubt. it happens. Because that is the only explanation for that showing up. Because, generally, it's always the same stuff.
Same kind of things that I'm interested in. Stuff that I click on. UFOs. MMA. Some new car.
Something. It makes sense. And it shows up in my news. And I'm like, why are they showing me three different articles about purses? What the fuck is going on?
You fucking creeps. Ew.
Ew. Is that legal? How does that work? Do you have to sign off on that on the app? Like, if you use the Google News app, are you signing off on that?
There are multiple ways that you may have opted in to something that's allowing that to happen.
Jesus.
I haven't read any of those things. I scroll to the bottom, hit the thing.
If you read them, you're a psycho. If you're sitting there reading those things. How long would it take you? Forever. Yeah.
Like, how big is the Apple one? It's three full scrolls.
Apple's pretty good about stuff. I think they're probably the best about that. Because they're the first company that actually stepped in and said, we're going to stop companies from being able to share your information. They're the first. What exactly did they do, Jamie?
They made some sort of a big deal. It was an advertising move. And a lot of people got pissed off at them for it.
It might have been the ability to opt out. I think they might have given you the option to opt out on the settings of the iOS. For the first time. I'll check.
Something like that. I think you're right. Something like that. But a bunch of people are like, this is going to affect our advertising. But yeah, you guys are stealing money.
Stop doing that.
I spend my mornings going through my emails, unsubscribing to stuff. Yeah. It's just too much.
There's companies. Like, there's one of our ads. Which one is that? They'll go out and find the subscriptions. Which one is that?
Jamie will find it.
Oh, like they go find it and let you know what you're subscribed to?
And you're like, oh, National Geographic? Still? You know, whatever it is. Whatever.
Oh, God. I am leaking money.
I'm sure. Apparently everybody is. It's just you get so accustomed to subscribing. Like, oh, that'll be easy. I'll get the cereal every month.
Yeah. No shit. I'm five years into a lot of week-long subscriptions. Free subscriptions.
Yeah. Well, that was how they used to get you. How old are you?
49.
Okay. You might be old enough to remember. I'm 56.. Do you remember those Columbia Record House deals? Oh, hell yeah.
Nobody paid for that. How did they make any money?
I still have collection coming in.
Everybody does. I feel like that was a way that they made artists seem more popular than they were. I think that was part of their deals. They could say they sold, you know, millions and millions of records. I also think it was probably a way they could rip artists off.
Because they could say, we lost all this money on Columbia. They could factor it in and say, I know it seems like you sold a million copies, but actually 400,000 of them are Columbia, and nobody's paid for them.
The MC Hammer clause.
Is that what it was?
I don't know, but he's that guy.
Did that happen to him?
I know that his record deal screwed him over. He had to file for bankruptcy, all that stuff.
Oh, yeah, that's right. He went full MC Hammer, too. He went crazy. He was getting some house built. I remember it was the most extravagant house.
He had this super expensive marble that was being brought in. And then, I guess, they pulled the rug out from under him. Those dirty bastards. I don't know the whole story behind the MC Hammer thing. But they for sure don't want to pay you all that money.
Oh, no way. If you look at royalties for comics, it's .00, like 15 zeros, and then one cent.
Oh, yeah, you get nothing. For audio, for comedy audio, you get nothing. You get nothing. It's always been like that, though. Especially comedy albums.
After, like 1980, who fucking bought comedy albums?
I mean, I don't know, but it's like, plus the lawsuit. You know about the lawsuit? Which one? They had to take a bunch of people off of Pandora and Spotify and everything. because of the lawsuit.
They were trying to get writer and performance credits.
Who was trying to get it?
Just a company. It was, I can't remember what it was called.
Jamie can find it. Okay. What else were you finding?
Experian was the company that does those subscriptions.
Okay, Experian. Yeah, so they'll find your subscriptions and they'll yank them. So what is the company that's doing this?
So you had all these royalties coming in, and then, all of a sudden, there was like a bunch of estates. Like the Robin Williams estate, I think maybe George Carlin. They were like, hey, we should be getting more money for this, because it's 50-50 split. But songwriters are getting a writer credit and a performance credit. Right.
And so they wanted comics to do that. But that doesn't really make sense, because comedians are like, I'm not using your bits. And so you wouldn't get a writing credit for my performance. Right. So it was strange.
And so then Pandora was like, fuck this. We're pulling everything down and pulled a bunch of guys off, including myself.
I still don't totally understand. So who wanted the credit? Like when you say writer and then performer credit, was that to the comics? So the comics would get paid twice? Yeah.
Okay. So instead of like an artist that didn't write their song, the comics were like, no, we deserve to get paid twice because we created the entire content.
Exactly.
But Pandora was like, no, we can't do that. Right.
Because the writers, I mean like when you're singing a song and someone else wrote it, that makes sense. Right. But no one's doing anybody's bits.
Right.
So like I can't sit up here and do a Hedberg bit.
And if you are, you probably bought them from them.
Right. Yeah. So there was some sort of agreement.
Yeah. Yeah. I bought a heckle line once from a buddy of mine back in Boston. It's such a dumb line. Brian Frazier, the comedian.
The joke was, this is like to someone in the audience that's heckling you, like. this is my impression of God when he made you. Okay. Just a dash of cunt. Oh, no.
The cap fell off. Too much cunt.
How much did you pay for it? I don't remember. I think it was $500.. I don't remember. But it was such a great line.
I was like, dude, that's a hilarious line. He's like, I'll never use it. I go, sell it to me. I'll fucking use it. But, you know, I was like a year into comedy.
I was like, you know, when you're a year into comedy, anything that works, it's like you have tools. You have just like a toolbox. Oh, yeah. Anything that works. They're so precious.
And you're so scared to write new ones. Ah! Yeah.
You're like, start to freak out. And then you're like, oh, this, come and go, gas station bit always works. Right. You know, so you fall back on that.
Right. And even that sucks. You know, it's kind of like the problem is like when you're starting out, you say things in a very specific way. And that might not be the best way to say that bit. But that's the way you're kind of stuck saying it.
That is a problem with bits. Like sometimes when you create, even today, like I'll create, I'm working on a new one. And I'm like, I don't know about this. I feel like there's another way to say this. And I'm just banking on the way that I've been saying it over and over and over again.
And maybe I should just abandon it and let it sit there for a bit and come back to it.
So I didn't work summers for a long time. I have two kids. And when I was, you know, when they were in high school, I'd always be home during the summer. And I found that in September, I would always be able to fix bits a little bit better because I let them sit. I almost forgot about them.
You know how it starts. Right. And then your brain is like, I have to get to this point, but I can't remember how I got there.
Right.
And so then you start to put it together a little differently.
And they're probably working in the back of your head subconsciously too. Because even though you're not doing comedy for three months, you're still probably thinking, in three months, I'm going to do comedy.
Yeah, I think so. Yeah.
So it's probably like working in the background.
Most likely.
Yeah, for sure. I mean, that's what they say. sleeping on, it is all about.
Yeah, like if you're ā the piano piece, if you can't figure it out, you play it before you go to bed a bunch of times. And then, all of a sudden, the next morning, you wake up and you're like, fiddle-a-dee.
There's been a few times where I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and I realized how to fix a joke. Yeah, it's just like all of a sudden you're like, oh, that's it. That's it. It just needed one more little ingredient.
It is a fun eureka moment when you fix a bit.
Dude, what is it? Where is it coming from?
Like where is the joy coming from?
No, where is the ideas coming from? Where the fuck are they coming from?
I think they do sit. I think there's a part back there that's just constantly going and we don't hear about it. And then, when it's done, they're like, get it to the fucking front.
Yeah, but even the creation of an idea is so mysterious. I mean that's why people invoke the concept of the muse. You know, that's the Stephen Pressfield, he like swears by it. The War of Art book is all about the muse, about summoning the muse. when you write.
There's something weird going on, I'll tell you that. Because it seems like they, just like enter into your head like a photon. Like some shit from space. just doot, all of a sudden it's in there. And you're like, oh, that was an idea.
And even though it's your idea, like I take credit for writing. Like I'll take credit for fixing jokes. I'll take credit for going up. I always feel like I can't really take credit for the original idea. The original idea is almost like this little gift.
Absolutely. You know?
Like you see something or somebody's doing something, and you go, oh shit, and that sparked something. And you just go, all right, I've got to write this down.
Sometimes you just say it out of nowhere. You just say it. Like you don't even know why you're saying it. You're just saying it. And it's like you didn't even think that much.
It just came out.
Yeah, there's times on stage where you're just all of a sudden riffing a bit. And you hit them with something and they start clapping. You're like, oh, thank God, I'm recording this.
Oh, yeah, sometimes. Sometimes that's the best part of the bit. And you're like, what the fuck is going on? Like. how is that the best part of the bit?
It's almost like you're playing chess in your head. And you are seven steps ahead, but you don't even know it. Right.
It's a weird fucking art form. Weird art form. It's one of the only art forms where almost everybody writes their own stuff. If you think about musicians, there's a lot of musicians who write their own music. And they're kind of revered, right?
Musicians, when you go to see a musician, like a singer-songwriter, and they write their own stuff, and you sit there and you're like, wow, this person crafted this in their mind and practiced it alone. And there's something magical about that. But you can go see a really talented singer that has writers that write for them. And they're great too, but you don't feel the same.
No, because you feel like you're good at playing the guitar. You have a great voice. You're good at making someone else's work. Like I used to audition for stuff. I am fucking toilet at auditioning.
It's the truth. I go in there, and it's somebody else's words. And I'm just every ā you can hear the people in front of you. They're getting huge laughs. I go in there and nothing.
I don't know. I don't think I'd be a good singer of someone else's song. I think I'd have to write it.
I never wanted to be an actor. I had zero acting, no wishes, no dreams, no aspirations, zero. I just wanted to be a comic. And then I got a development deal from doing MTV. And then, because of this development deal, I wound up being on a sitcom.
So I went ā my point is I did two auditions ever. One was for a show called Hardball. I got that show. And that show got canceled. And another one was for a show called News Radio, and I got that show.
That was the only two that I had ever done. Good for you. It was the nuttiest thing of all time. People would get so mad at me. I'm like, look, I just stepped in shit.
I got super lucky. They were looking for a cocky baseball player for this show on Fox. And I went in, and they met me, and they're like, oh, this is the guy. That's great. And then I did this show where I played a mentally challenged conspiracy theorist maintenance guy at a radio station.
That was perfect too. Yeah, I was like, I got these.
They always sent me in for these auditions, where I was, like, I was 30-something years old, and it would be 22, good-looking. And you're like, what the fuck am I doing here? I went in one time, and it was like an Abercrombie and Fitz shoot. Oh, God. And so I go in, and I'm looking around.
Everyone's a foot taller than me, chiseled jawline.
They're just agents will throw anything at the wall. I went in ā I definitely did a bunch of auditions after those shows that I didn't wind up getting, like for movies and stuff like that. They're all so weird. You're in a room with someone, and then you have to improvise. sometimes.
They ask you to improvise. Look, this is neat. One time I went in for the reading, and the PA was this kid. It's not the kid's fault. But he's reading the script.
He's terrible. And you're supposed to be reacting, and he's barely getting the sentence right. And then you're supposed to have this realistic reaction to this.
And then they were like, I want you ā this is what the guy said. He goes, I want you to get ā you're very excited. Your friend is getting married. You're very excited. I want you to write down on a piece of paper, you know, get married.
You're trying to talk him into getting married. And I'm going to go, so you want me to do this with this guy? I go, look, if you want to bring in an actor, and me and an actor can fuck around, I'll go do it. He's barely getting through these conversations. This is silly.
And then I was like, I don't want to be an actor. I realized, like, why am I even here? I don't want to do this. Let me get the fuck out of here.
Nowhere in real life ā yeah, nowhere in real life would somebody go ā I'm thinking about getting married, and your response is, you've got to get married.
I mean, it's crazy. Yeah, it was a dumb script. The movie was terrible. But a friend of mine was in it. And I was like, yeah, it would be fun to do a movie with him.
But going out on the audition, I'm like, what am I doing? It was just one of those movies was just ā it was written for fake people. It was written in some weird way for people that don't exist. I was like, you're trying so hard to make people talk and think this way. These aren't real people.
This is bizarre. Like, every person in this movie is totally disingenuous. Like, every word that you wrote for them is not like anything. people ever say. This movie sucks.
It fucking sucks. And it looks like you wrote it on Adderall, and you're just trying to make some money. Why am I here? Yeah.
Have you seen the show Suits? I have not. Okay, so they say ā they have this really weird cadence where they'll say, and I'm not going to goddamn, do it. They use goddamn in front of stuff. But it's every character.
Oh, God.
And so you're like, how did all these people meet?
Is it from the 20s or something?
No, it's like ā It's current? Yeah. I think it's still on. I think it just had a thing come on.
Oh, that's bad writing. Or a bunch of people that are like really easily influenced. You know? Yeah. That's where accents come from.
Like one fucking dude probably talked a certain way, and everybody's like, that guy sounds cool. I thought like this too.
I was reading that some people have a thing in their head where, when they're talking to someone with an accent, to make that person feel more comfortable, they start to speak in the accent without even knowing.
Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I mean, when I was a kid, I would switch accents like when I moved to new places. I realized I only lived in Boston for like six years, and I was 19, and I was on television for this thing that I did.
And I heard myself on TV, and I was like, ew. Ew. I had no idea my accent was so strong. It was like, yuck. A Boston accent?
Yeah, it was terrible. Oh, interesting. So I killed it for the most part, until I get a couple of drinks in me.
Yeah, that's the same with me. You put whiskey in me, and I get a little Canadian.
Yeah, especially if I'm around my friends from Boston, where I'll talk shit to each other. Those guys talk shit.
Yeah, yeah, fucking quack sack.
Yeah. The best place to do stand-up, because to develop there, that treadmill is going. You've got to hop on. You've got to move. Get moving.
Everybody's moving. Nobody in the audience has any attention span. They don't want to hear you dilly-dally and pontificate up there. They want fucking jokes.
Yeah, hammer me. I've got to go to work tomorrow.
Yeah, they're all tired.
I love doing comedy in Boston. Yeah.
Blue collar. It's great. It's not even necessarily blue collar, because there's a lot of white-collar people that come to the shows, too. It's just work ethic. When you have to shovel your car out of snow every fucking year, you have work ethic.
You can't get up at 8 o'clock to be at work at 9.
. No, you have to get up at 7, because you've got an hour of shoveling to do.
Yeah, defrost the windshield.
Yeah, you've got to do all that shit. You've got to start the car up, let it run, heat the inside to defrost the windshield, get the fucking scraper, and then you're out there on a fucking skating rink. Your street's a skating rink, so you have to drive 5 miles an hour, and you have to make sure that you hit the brakes way before the car in front of you, or you're going to cause a pile-up. I saw so many pile-ups, man.
Yeah. Whew. Goddamn. I grew up in Minnesota. I lived in Minnesota my whole life, and it's just non-stop.
I think Minnesota's the number one state where people die in deer accidents. Is it the number one? Getting shot, you mean? No, no, no. Deer on the road.
Oh, God. Yeah, I would think that. I would think that.
It's either Michigan or Minnesota. I forget which one, but those places, you grow up in. a place like that, man, you develop some resilience. Yeah. Those are different human beings.
Yeah. You grow up in fucking Florida, the only thing you have to worry about, the sky becomes an angry god every couple of years. Yeah.
I remember I-.
Pennsylvania. Ooh. Oh, wow. Interesting. Damn.
One in 38 chance of hitting an animal. So you drive for two months, you're going to hit one in West Virginia. West Virginia. Pennsylvania's one in 59.. That's still high.
But one in 38 is crazy.
Yeah, that's wild. One in 38 means every month you're hitting a fucking deer. That is so crazy. That is so crazy. It doesn't mean that.
It means overall, the time of your life. Holy shit. One in 38.. But that's a lot.
I've never hit a deer. It's probably stupid to put out into the universe.
Yeah.
But I've never hit one.
I've never hit one either. I did hit a squirrel once. I felt so bad. Little guy was moving left and juking left and right, not sure. And I'm like, come on, fucker.
Don't do this. Don't do this. And he did it. And I felt the thump. I'm like, oh, no.
And I look back and I see his little legs kicking. But you know what? Vultures have to eat too. That's what that's all about, you know?
Oh, absolutely.
That's a weird thing, too. When you see a dead animal and you're like, oh. And then you come back like 20 minutes later and you see these monsters hovering over it, devouring it. Just gone. They're so gross.
Pulling everything out. Oh.
Have you ever seen a Tibetan sky funeral? Huh? Bro. In Tibet, I don't know which religion, I don't know what they're practicing. But they have this ritual called the Tibetan sky funeral.
And instead of burying people, what they do is they chop them up and they feed them to vultures. What the fuck? Yeah. And there's graphic video of this online. Because this is like this big ritual.
So there's graphic video of these dudes with these, like, giant cutting boards and fucking cleavers, hacking up people. And there's a swarm of vultures all around them. So they're hacking up body parts. And then these vultures are just devouring these human beings. And we think it's gross, right?
But isn't it grosser that you waste the body?
Dump it, yeah.
What is this, Jamie? It's a video of it. Oh, it's a video of it. That guy looked a little too cute to be there. I was like, what are you doing there, fella?
I thought it was a movie. So look at these. Look at all these vultures.
Jesus. This is like when pelicans follow a fishing boat.
Oh, they 100% know what's going on, because they've been doing it all the time.
This is a tourist attraction in some part of China.
Jesus Christ.
Tourist attraction.
Oh, there they go.
So then I'm going to show you hacking the guy up.
Sure, got it.
But there's plenty of other videos that are more documentary style, that show, like, very graphic images of this person just hacking apart this body.
How big? How big do they cut the pieces?
Just, like, chunks. And the vultures, they're all, you saw how they are. They're like piranha. They're all just on it. And they just devour everything.
They devour the bones. They devour everything. Isn't that better? Though, I mean, look, nobody wants their loved one to be reduced to meat, you know? But is it better that you're taking your loved one and you're pumping them filled with some toxic chemical that makes it so that they'll never, never rot?
You can exhume them years later and find fentanyl traces and shit.
If you believe, like, in something else, like something's going on afterlife-wise, I mean, the soul's gone anyways. It's the vessel that you're putting in the ground or letting vultures eat.
And if you believe that this person was murdered, like, do a better job now. Like, how much time do you need?
You know, do it and film it and get all your ā I guess maybe, like, remember that HBO show, Autopsy? Do you remember that show? Uh-huh. There was a great show about this guy, Dr. Michael Badden.
And Dr. Michael Badden would always catch, like, husbands that poisoned their wives secretly or wives that had poisoned all their husbands, and people that had killed people, like, in secret, sneaky ways, and gotten away with it. And then he gets on the case and he finds, like, really crazy, crazy examples. One of them was this one guy. And after his wife had died ā I don't even know if it was his wife.
It was maybe his girlfriend. But he kept buying cases of perfume. And no one could figure out why this guy was doing this. But he left his wife in the bed and never reported that she was dead and kept fucking her and put, like, a mask on her. And then eventually put, like, some artificial vagina down there.
And the perfume ā he was pouring perfume on her to mask the decay. And so eventually, finally, they caught him. But they got these images of what used to be his wife, with, like, a mask on the face. And there was clothes on what's left of this body. And then there's this, like, tube where the vagina is.
And this fucking psycho was banging her corpse and, like, passing out from the smell and just cases of perfume. This dude was just pouring perfume all over her corpse.
I feel like I could solve that crime.
You have to be in the room. I mean, you have to be, like, in the neighborhood or something. Have you ever smelled a body? Uh-uh. When I was a kid, the apartment that we lived in in New Jersey, this guy died on one of the floors.
And the smell is insane. It's so specific. It's so different. A rotting human body, apparently, has a very unique odor. And, like, the coroners and the guys they called in, like, when there's a smell, they know what it is.
right away. They go, that's a person. It's different than a dog.
Yeah. Because I was going to say, mice die in my garage, and I can't go in there for two days.
Yeah.
I mean, it sucks. So a person's got to use it.
Oh, my God. It was horrible. The whole hallway. You couldn't specify, like, where it was coming from. It was like a skunk.
You know, it was everywhere. The whole hallway just reeked of this, like, it was just like the universe letting you know, get out of there. Get the fuck out. New Jersey, man. It's giving you this smell.
Not just New Jersey, I mean that hallway. Sure. It's giving you this smell of death. It's a very specific smell.
Do you know how the guy died?
I don't remember. I was a little kid. Oh. I think I was five at the time. But I just, I'll never forget that smell.
I was like, whoa. Because he was in there for a while. You know, some loner. And he just fucking, one day, kicked the bucket. It took a while for anybody to figure it out.
And they figured it out because of the smell.
And then how long did it take them to get him out of there?
I don't remember. I was too little. I don't remember. But it was a very, very specific smell. It was gross.
But it is weird what we do. It's weird that, Joey Diaz was trying to lay this out to me. He's like, Joe Rogan, it's a fucking scam. This is the scam. Even if you want to get cremated, they got to embalm you first.
They got to embalm you first. And you're going to buy a urn. They got you. They got you for 10,, 14, 15 grand. every time.
They're going to tell you your grandfather wants a beautiful coffin. He's fucking dead. What are we doing? It's like this weird thing that everybody does. Where you have to get your person embalmed.
And then you get them made up. Yeah, the creepiest.
My daughter has a friend who, her boyfriend's sister, died. And she's getting into makeup and hair for a living. And they asked her to do the makeup and hair of the dead sister. Oh, my God. Why the fuck would you?
Like, someone has to sign up for that.
Yeah, that has to be your very specific job. That's not regular makeup.
Yeah, it's not like you. go into, you know, like a Great Clips or something. And ask somebody like, hey, my grandpa died. Can you come help?
Bro, that might haunt you for the rest of your life. Especially if you know this person. There's no way. Absolutely.
I'd like a Viking funeral.
Viking funerals are dope. But a Viking funeral, again, you're kind of wasting the body. If you just put it in the ground, that's what it's supposed to look like. You're supposed to go back to nature. I guess a Viking funeral, eventually, you get back into the system.
You're just taking the long run.
Yeah, yeah.
You turn back into carbon again. This is going to take so much time. But you're going right into microbes. And essentially what's inside of you starts eating you first, if I'm not mistaken. I think all the bacteria in your body, you start breaking down from that stuff.
I think a lot of weird things happen. But then the stuff on the outside figures out. you're dead. And then the soil starts devouring you.
Going for it. Have you seen the people that get put into trees?
Yeah. That's wild. That makes sense. Makes sense.
Or like a diamond. Yeah. They get pressed down.
But trees definitely live well off of fertilizer. It comes from dead animals. Yeah, they eat what's there. They take it in, suck it up, which is what fertilizer is. Which is why our food sucks.
Because we give them fake food. We basically feed our processed food, processed food. Right? Because nitrogen is what, you know, we take nitrogen and a bunch of other bullshit chemicals and we pour it on this dead topsoil so that these poor corn can survive. And then we eat the corn and there's like no nourishment.
And they're like, what are we doing? Yeah.
I remember in third grade they taught us about crop rotation. And you're driving by these fields and you're like, this has been fucking corn since I was in third grade.
There's no way you can rotate. Yeah. That's what they're all doing in the regenerative farms. In regenerative farms, they move everything around. That's how you're supposed to do it.
That's how everyone's done it from the beginning of time. What is that? Mushrooms that eat your body? Whoa. Suit you where to get buried and you turn into mushrooms.
But they're going to embalm you, man. Unless you live in a place that lets you opt out of that. Unless this is for another country. What are the laws in America? Let's find out what the laws are.
When you die, do they have to embalm you? Because this is what Joey was saying. But that might have been very specific. It might be regional. It might be like certain cities.
They embalm you before you go into a cooker? Yeah.
That's what he was saying.
Oh, I didn't know that. I thought you just went in.
It's not required by law.
Not required. But they probably taught you. anyway, then. That's probably what it is.
It says, in fact, the FTC funeral law forbids any funeral home from stating the contrary.
Interesting. That's because they've done it.
Oh, absolutely. All they're trying to do is shame you, make you feel bad.
Listen, you have to embalm them before you cremate them.
Your grandfather came in here earlier and told us he wanted to be embalmed.
Is it necessary? According to federal law, it's forbidden to declare that embalming can entirely stop the process of decomposition. Oh, but that's different.
That's probably why, I guess, though. Right.
It's entirely forbidden to declare that embalming. But is it mandatory? Do that. Is embalming mandatory?
I was giving moreā.
It's not required by federal law in the United States. And no funeral homes can claim that it is. That's interesting. However, there are some circumstances where embalming may be required. State law.
Okay. Some states require embalming if the body is not refrigerated or is held in transit for 1 to 24 hours. Other states require embalming if the death was caused by a contagious disease or if the remains are being transported between states. So funeral homes require embalming. If the family chooses a serviceā Okay.
That's probablyāvisitation, open casket. That makes sense. Cemeteries may require embalming if the remains are being tombed in a mausoleum. Ew.
Yeah, that's a lot. Embalming can help their loved ones see their loved ones. for the last time. You know what? I have only been to one funeral where I saw one of my loved ones.
It was my grandfather. And I was like, he is not there. Like, whatever they left there, that is just notāthat's not my grandpa. He's gone.
Yeah, when they go, oh, he looks so natural. Well, he looked fucking orange when I knew him.
Fuck, no. Uh-uh. No. He does not look natural. He looks weird.
Yeah. There's like part of you that knows that whatever a person is in their soul, whatever a soul is, it's off.
Yeah, that's gone.
It's off. Yeah. Yeah, it's gone. And it's weird. It's a weird feeling that you get when you're around a dead body.
It's like, mm.
Especially one that you knew so well.
Oh, yeah. It's a wake-up call, you know, because you just realize, like, oh, my God. Like, this comes for everyone. One day, everyone in your life is going to go like that. And if you're lucky, you're going to see it.
Is that what the luck is? You know, if you live long enough. I was switching phone numbers the other day, and I was going over my phoneāmy contact list, and there's so many people in there that are dead. I kept pulling out people that were dead. I was like, oh, he's gone.
He's gone. God damn.
It was crazy. How long has it been since you switched last time?
Well, it's justāI got a bunch of old numbers, you know, from dudes that I haven't talked to in forever, that, you know, you justā. When you have an iPhone, you just keep getting a new number, and somehow or another, all the numbers come with you. There were so many of my friends that are dead. It's so sobering, you know, when you just start counting the numbers. Like, oh, fuck.
Norm MacDonald. Oh, fuck. You know, and you just go through all of it, and you're like, fuck. Fuck, he's gone, too. You know?
Yeah.
I'm getting to the age where that's about to start happening, I think.
It happens, you know. And sometimes it happens, and you do not see it coming, and it hits you like a train, especially when they take their own life. You're like, what?
Yeah.
Jesus Christ. And then there's always that guilt of, like, fuck, maybe if I talked to him. Maybe if I had one conversation. Or maybe that's just your ego.
Yeah, because I don'tāI think once you're over that line, I don't think there's a lot of pulling it back.
Perhaps, but I think every circumstance is different.
Yeah, I guess there's that one dude that used to live by a bridge, and he would go out and talk guys off the ledge. So, I mean, I guess maybe that is.
There was one guy that jumped, and he lived. He's one of the rare guys that lived. And he said as he jumped, he'd realize what a horrible mistake he made. And he wanted to take it back, but he couldn't. And he lived, but he was all fucked up.
But lived a happier life. Like, was thankful that he was alive, which is kind of crazy.
Yeah, I used to bartend, and this dude would come in, and he was missing his jaw.
He's talked one of the 200 people off the ledge.
Yeah, that's amazing.
Highway patrol officer. I bet that guy's a smooth talker. I have a buddy who jumped off that bridge.
No shit? Yeah.
Tony Anagoni, who's a professional pool player.
Good dude. I hadn't talked to him in a while. I hadn't talked to him in a couple of years. And then I saw it in the news, and I was like, fuck.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's one of those things, man, where it's just like, when it happens, you just get jolted. Especially the suicide ones. It's like, what?
Yeah, when you had no clue.
Because, like, you think about that person when you're all having fun together. You think about that person when you're sitting around laughing, cracking jokes.
Especially if it's the life of the party that does it. Right. You go, how the fuck, I could have picked 10 other guys besides you.
Right, like, imagine Robin Williams. Imagine watching Robin Williams on any, did you ever see that commercial? Where he's doing a commercial, and he won't stop fucking around? I don't think so. And the director's trying to get him to stop fucking around, and he's like, will not stop fucking around.
I love that. He's doing the different characters and shit. And it's like, okay, Robin, can we focus now? And Robin's just fucking going off. Yeah.
That guy you would never imagine could ever be sad.
You know? I was an extra in a movie with him, Billy Crystal, and Louise Dreyfuss.
Two people were sick. They went back to their trailers, and I was interviewing him, and he did it as Mrs. Doubtfire. And it was fucking awesome, man. Everybody was losing it.
Play it, Jamie. Let me see it.
Pardon me.
It's already great.
Look at his back into the camera. Look, he's a different guy. now. Robin, just do the line so we can get out. I can't do everything.
For me, this place is fabulous. I want to do the line for you. Robin, the line, the introduction, just the one line that you've got to do, okay, please? Yes, sir. Okay?
Foul ball, a mayo hygiene spray. You know, sometimes below the waterline, you could reek.
That's why I need new foul ball.
Some part of the thing is upside down.
Sorry.
This is fabulous. I couldn't believe it. Bobby, just can't do calls. Do the line now, just the introduction, one line, okay? Yes.
Hello. I'm Sheldon Heston. You know, I have very few Jewish friends, if any. But I'd like to say, won't you please help support the United Goyim College Fund? Help learn a child to eat hot dogs this year, mayonnaise and corned beef.
Can we get another actor in, please? Oh, give me a chance. Please, I need this. All I have to do is say... He's going to say...
I'm going to cut camera. You've got to do the line. Just... All right? Can we hear it, please?
You know,
what I would have loved to have seen, actually, is if they could have combined a drop-off funeral and the Olympics and had him in the bobsled run.
All right, I'm ready, Howard. All right, can we get it now? Yes, sir, I think we can. Do you know what the line is? Do you want me to hold the cue card?
No. Yeah, I can. The one that says...
Storm,
Storm.
That's a German name, isn't it?
Storm. Sounds like a dog. I love that old Storm. Come here, boy. Hey, off the leg.
We're ready now. Here we go.
I'm ready to say that line hard because I love you. I love you for the man that you are. An incredible man. More than just one night. A man who can, I don't know, make you realize...
Ouch! Who are you?
I'm ready now.
Okay. You ready? Thank you, Mr. Williams. Thank you, Howard.
Yes, Howard Storm is now directing commercials.
Again, I can get it this time. Yeah, once more. Hi, I'm Jack Nicholson, and you know, Howard Storm is directing goddamn commercials. It's incredible that he can find a camera small enough to work with, but God bless him for trying. His first commercial was Billy Barty on a footstool.
God, I love the fact that the man takes chances. Thank you, and cut.
He just wasn't gonna do it.
He's a maniac.
Oh, that's incredible.
He was an odd dude, for sure. People get mad when you bring up joke-thieving allegations with that guy, but that's just what it was.
That went on for over 13 minutes.
That's hilarious.
Two and a half minutes.
Yeah, people think that you're not supposed to talk about that part, but that was part of him.
Yeah, you have to talk about everything.
The guy still was great. He was still great. He was very odd.
I wonder if his brain worked so quickly that sometimes it was out before he knew it.
Perhaps. You could excuse someone for a lot of things. I don't know how his brain worked. Obviously, he had mental problems, which wound up. There was a lot of physical problems that wound up, contributing to his suicide, but depression was part of that, too.
You have to also put it in context. There wasn't anybody like him back then. There was Jonathan Winters, who he took inspiration from, who a lot of people forgot about. Jonathan Winters was really weird like that. He would do really weird, crazy stuff and act like different characters and just wouldn't be there and just would hold on to it, and people would panic and they wouldn't know what to do.
I think he took a lot of inspiration from Jonathan Winters, who was an amazing talent, too. Robin was very unique. There was really nobody like him. He could act his ass off, man. He was like Good Morning Vietnam.
He was good in movies, too.
Yeah, I like Good Nool Hunting when he's in that movie.
Yeah, man. Yeah, and serious roles. How about that 24-hour photo? Did you ever see that? Yes.
Bro. Creepy. Creepy. Yeah, he played a good psycho. It was very, very good.
But you would never imagine a guy like that would hit the rocks where he'd wind up killing himself. You're like, no way.
Then you start to wonder, was the comedian part of him, the show, and the 24-hour photo was the real deal?
I doubt the 24-hour photo was the real deal. I think the real deal was a deeply depressed person. The reason why they were so good at getting people entertained is because they needed so much more than the average person just to hit a baseline. I think when people are super depressed and then they use comedy as a way to just, like a drug, to just get them. Like Richard Jenney apparently was only happy when he was killing, and then when he got off stage, he was depressed.
Oh, God. He's another guy that wound up killing himself.
That's like an hour a day that you're happy.
Yep, and he was like the most miserable guy guaranteed. Like when I would do morning radio, I would always ask the guy, the driver, who's the worst guy you have to drive around? And they always would say Richard Jenney. Say he hated it. He didn't want to be there.
Didn't want to talk to anybody. He was miserable.
He was so fucking funny.
Dude is weird. He wanted to be a movie star, apparently. So back then, in the 1980s and 90s, like, what the thing was was you would graduate into movies, like a Jim Carrey, or into TV like a Seinfeld, and you have your own show. But everybody really wanted movies. That was the thing.
And he never got any of those. He was only in like one movie. He was in The Mask with Jim Carrey, and he had a show on the UPN called Platypus Man. I remember that. It was terrible.
But his stand-up was brilliant. His stand-up was incredible. He was so good. We all would just be in awe of him. I remember him doing a bit at the Comedy Works in Montreal, this little tiny room in Montreal.
It was a great room run by this amazing guy named Jimbo. Jimbo was the best. And this room was only like a 90-seat room. And it was during the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival. And Richard Jenny went up, and he did a bit about buying a Corvette.
Like, what an unrelatable premise. What a premise. where you're like, how do you get anything out of this? And it was murdering, just murdering. I can't remember what he said, but I was crying, laughing.
We were crying, laughing. It was so funny. And there were so many punchlines in there. His sense of irony, his sarcasm, the way he would hit the punchlines, the writing. It's like all day.
he prepared for these sets, and then he would just go into a darkness and just get ready to do it again. That's brutal. Horrible. I knew his girlfriend. His girlfriend, was a comic too.
One of his girlfriends at the time. I don't think she was the girl that was his girlfriend at the time that he killed himself. But she was a comic at the store, and she would just tell me. The guy's so brilliant, but he's so eaten up.
Yeah. Some people can't find balance.
It sucks, man. When they're that good, you just want to hug them. Come on, man. Keep it together, dude.
I just want to go. Just enjoy the rest of it.
I've told this story before, so I apologize to anybody that's heard it. But he went to the Eastside Comedy Club in Huntington Beach. No, it wasn't Huntington Beach. It was on Long Island. East Huntington?
I forget where it was. But Eastside Comic Club was a great comic club on Long Island. I went there on a Sunday, and I talked to the guy that was the emcee all weekend, and he was depressed. I said, why are you depressed? He goes, Richard Cheney did a different hour every show.
He did four different hours and killed. He goes, I'm up there. I have 20 minutes that I'm opening with, and I can barely get through them. They suck. Then I'm bringing on this genius who does a different hour every fucking show.
He goes, it makes you want to quit comedy. I think he might have quit comedy, because I never heard from him. I really think that might have done him in. I think he was around for a year or two after that, but I think that was it. That is tough to watch, though.
When you're working with a master, you're not even close to it yet.
It's like those dudes who fought Mike Tyson in the early days. You never saw them again. Yeah.
I've been late for a show twice in my life, and both times it was from watching Mike Tyson's greatest hits.
Oh, wow. They will drive you crazy. There was a time in 1986, whatever it was, when he lost to Buster Douglas, when there's never been a heavyweight like him. I think he was the greatest of all time. I think he was the greatest of all time for a short period of time, but I think you have to look at a fighter in particular.
They can't keep it up forever. It's too crazy. They only have a few years in this high revolution, high rev, red line, prime. That's what I try to judge them on. People judge fighters on longevity, like Sugar Ray Robinson, or the best example of all time is Bernard Hopkins.
Bernard Hopkins was a world champion when he was 49 years old. Crazy. Crazy. That's my age. Crazy.
Crazy. And fucking up guys that were 20 years younger than him with ease.
That's wild.
He was a master, just a masterful boxer who had incredible discipline and never lost focus and never got out of shape and never ate bad food, never processed anything. He always ate clean, organic food, drank water, no booze, fuck you. Up in the morning, always running, always calisthenics, always was shredded, never gained weight in between fights. Even today. I had him on the podcast a couple months ago.
How many months ago? Six months ago? Maybe a little longer.
Something like that. Even now. Guy's in his 50s, fucking shredded.
I don't have that in me.
Ready to go. You don't have to. You're a comedian.
I need the processed food sometimes.
Sometimes you need a little comfort.
What do you think it was about Tyson? I always equated it to his legs and his coil.
There was a lot of factors. A lot of factors. First of all, there was his upbringing. He had a horrible, horrible upbringing. Just crime and violence in the worst neighborhood in Brooklyn.
He lived in Bed-Stuy. Brownsville, I think, originally, in Bed-Stuy. Terrible neighborhoods. Real bad. A lot of crime, a lot of violence.
Then, at 13 years of age, he gets adopted by this guy, Customato, who's one of the greatest boxing minds of all time. He's also a hypnotist. From age 13 on, he's hypnotizing Mike and telling Mike he's the greatest of all time. He's the greatest of all time. He's going to be the greatest heavyweight the world has ever seen.
Then, on top of it, you have crazy genetics. I had Teddy Allison. He told me that when Mike was 13, he was knocking out grown men. They wouldn't believe he was 13.. He'd bring them to boxing tournaments.
They're like, how old's that kid? He goes, 13.. He goes, he's fucking 16.. He goes, okay, he's 16.. He'd put him in with the 16-year-olds.
He'd knock the 16-year-olds out. Yeah, he was a freak. You have that sometimes. You have kids that just have extraordinary genes. Then you have this perfect storm of a very intelligent person who is deeply neglected as a child, and then adopted by a genius.
Not just a boxing genius, but a genius in terms of psychology and life and philosophy. He understood war. He was a war historian. He was a boxing historian. He was also managed by this guy, Jim Jeffries, or Jim Jacobs, rather.
Excuse me. Jim Jacobs had Jim Jeffries tapes, or James Jeffries. He had Jack Johnson and Jack Dempsey. He had all the film footage of fighters, some of the greatest boxers of all time. Willie, Pep, Floyd Patterson.
He had all this old footage on reels. He was the biggest collector of old boxing footage. Mike was being managed by him. Mike would sit there all day and watch Jack Dempsey fight, watch Jack Johnson fight, watch Stanley Greb, watch these old, old killers. These guys that existed decades ago, and no one gets a chance to see them.
We're talking about 1980.
. You don't even have VHS tapes. When did they come along? They were like 1982 or something like that. This is happening to him in the 70s, like late 70s.
Let's make sense of this. He's 58.. He's a year older than me. How old was he when he was 13??
What year was it when he was 13,. rather?
He was born in 79.
79.
. Okay. No VHS. The only way you can see these things is if they put them on television, which they might, but then you have to watch it. while it's on TV.
You can't re-watch it again. There's no way to record anything. Or you know Jim Jacobs. You know Jim Jacobs, who also did the commentary on a lot of those. If you watch a lot of those old films, they're black and white and there's no sound.
They put in sound later. Jim Jacobs does the commentary. I know his voice. He was a genius too. They had this incredible convergence of all these things that created Mike Tyson in 1986, where people were like, holy shit.
Yeah. When he would walk out there with no bathrobe and just fucking. He was a perfect creation of the universe. The universe, all the factors that would come into play that make something super special, all came in in his. To be a boxing champion, it could not have had a better convergence of mind, talent, background, and then the people that were influencing him.
Yeah. He was wild. Yeah.
He's being trained by Teddy Atlas when he's a little kid.
Isn't it illegal to hypnotize a child?
That's a good question.
I would think there's got to be.
That's a good question. Depends. I mean, one of your kid thinks they're possessed. That might be a good thing that hypnotize them. You think kids like, which I'm like, I have words for you.
Like, Oh, Billy, what the fuck is wrong with you, man? I'm sorry, I left you alone. I had to work. I had two jobs. I had to pay the bills.
Billy's bouncing off the walls at home and he thinks he's possessed.
You're like, watch the spoon. Yeah.
It might be good to hypnotize that kid. But yeah, I would think hypnotizing anybody before they were aware of what the fuck that means. But I don't think hypnotizing is what people think it is either. I don't necessarily. I've only been hypnotized once, so I can't speak to like what the total potential of what someone can do with hypnosis is.
But you're aware of what's going on. It's not like you're going to like take your clothes off and blow the sky. Like it doesn't make any sense. Like you're, you're just in a different state of consciousness and it's almost like you're allowed to look at things for what they really are versus all this noise. It's around most of the ideas in your head where you're blaming other people, when you should probably blame yourself, when you know you were lazy, and that's why it went bad.
And it wasn't like someone else's fault. and all that stuff that keeps people on the wrong track, that keeps people drinking too much and gambling too much. All those weird things are going on in your head. Like you'll get past that and you'll see you. Yeah.
And you see you for a brief amount of time and you kind of analyze what it is that's fucking with you. And then someone who's like a good performance psychologist can implant ideas like help you implant ideas in your mind of how you're going to approach things from now on. How are you going to look at things from now on? I know a lot of fighters use them. A lot of fighters use hypnotists and performance coaches.
The guy who did it to me is my friend Vinnie Shorman, and he does it to a lot of fighters. He hypnotized a lot of fighters.
And what does he, what does he put in there, then?
I think it depends. I think it's different for each fighter. What they need.
What they're missing.
I mean some fighters, there's a thing that happens with some fighters in the midst of a chaotic fight. They will forget about the game plan and they will just go on instinct and start throwing down and they wind up getting knocked out or something goes bad.
They panic. I don't want to say panic, but they don't think straight. That's the best way to say it. Because they're still fighting. It's chaos.
But you're letting that lizard brain take over. And you're not sticking to the game plan. The really good fighters know how, even in these chaotic scrambles, to keep things technical. Don't do anything. that's going to get you caught.
It looks nutty when you're watching it on television. But if you're watching a tactician like a Max Holloway or San Hagen or Sean O'Malley. These fighters are very tactical. Everything they're doing is to elicit a reaction from you. And then they have counters based on how you do things.
And then they start downloading how you're moving and reacting to things. And then they'll start plotting and moving. Anderson Silva was the very best at that. He would take the first round and he would just be kind of like moving with you and moving with you. And then, towards the end of the round, he started fucking you up.
He was just downloading. Anderson in his prime, I had never seen anything like him. In his prime. he was just downloading people's movements.
And do you think those other fighters could see it in his eyes? and they were like, oh fuck, now he knows.
Yeah, when he was at the top, for sure, everyone was terrified of him. The one thing that they did find out, though, he had a flaw. And the flaw was if you didn't attack him, he didn't attack you. He wasn't willing to take stupid chances, especially with big punchers. There's this guy, Patrick Cote, and Patrick Cote was a big puncher.
Like one punch KO guy. And they had the worst fight. It was a boring ass fight. And then Patrick, unfortunately, threw a kick and blew out his knee. It was like the worst ending of a fight ever.
His knee exploded.
Just not getting hit?
Yeah, not getting hit at all. He just went to throw a kick and his knee was in a weird position and it just blew apart. And he's like, ah, and he falls down. That's happened before. It happened to Tom Aspinall recently.
Threw a kick, knee fell apart. It wasn't happening where someone did something to him. He just threw a kick and his knee fell apart.
I'd rather watch a guy get knocked unconscious than have that huge response to a part of their body blowing up.
The knee's a bad one, but the worst is a shin break. That's the very, very worst. Or an arm break. A forearm break or a shin break. Those are very hard to watch.
Those are the hardest I've ever watched. I've seen four leg breaks in person and they're fucking horrific, man. They are fucking horrific. They hurt your soul. Oh, you got one?
This is the worst one. Oh, that's Patrick right there. So watch how he does this. Look, it's so crazy. They're moving around and he goes like he's going to throw a kick and he just fucking moved.
weird. That's it? Out of nowhere. Out of nowhere. His knee just exploded, blew out his ACL, tore his meniscus.
Crazy.
That's a tough dude. So for him to have that reaction, come on. The toughest.
He was an animal. Patrick Ote was a fucking animal. But the fight was kind of boring because he was so dangerous. So Anderson couldn't lead, right? Because if you lead, you worry about being countered.
So Anderson was not just really fucking good, but also really smart.
He just knew when he could hit you and he knew when you could hit him and he would take his time. But again, once he got, you figured out, as the fight went on, if he made the fight boring, it was also a strategy. Because then you would be anxious and you would maybe do something to try to pick up the pace and he would crack you. But he's an old veteran. So he's just standing around going, I don't give a fuck about booze.
Let's just move around here. He did that with another guy, a Brazilian guy, Talas Leitas. Kind of the same thing. Boring-ass fight, but a dangerous fighter and a really dangerous guy on the ground. Talas Leitas was a nasty jiu-jitsu black belt.
And so he was like, I'm going to the ground. I'm going to fucking stay on the outside. Just kind of barely win every round. But if you do something stupid, I'll fuck you up. Nobody did anything stupid.
It's wild to know all that shit.
Well, he was just so smart that he didn't care if people were booing. And then the UFC would get mad at him. They'd get mad at him because those performances, even though he's the greatest of all time, at the time he was for sure. In my eyes, he's still in the conversation. During his time period when he was running shit, still in my book, if not the greatest, one of the greatest of all time, for sure.
He's in the conversation. Whatever that, the conversation is so subjective. And I change my opinion on it all the time. But during that time period, he didn't give a fuck. if people were booing.
He didn't care. And so the UFC would get mad at him. But I was always of the mind that he's doing the 100% correct thing. He's the best fighter. And to fight the best, you've got to know when to attack and when not to attack.
And sometimes you don't attack at all.
Yeah.
Sometimes, if he does something out of character and forces it, that was not his style. So for him to engage in a style that's not his style, then that's stupid. The smart thing is to fight to the best of your abilities. And unfortunately, some of those fights were not fun. But you also get the Vitor Belfort fight from the same guy.
You get the Okami fight. You get the Forrest Griffin fight. You get all those insane knockouts, those highlight reel knockouts. He was a monster, man. In his prime, he was a monster.
But if you can take the boos and the other guy can't.
Yeah. Well, it was also like he wasn't going to do anything stupid until he did. And then he did, and he got knocked out by Chris Weidman because he was doing something stupid. That's literally what his demise was, was the thing that kept him so invincible his whole career. He would stay composed.
No matter what happened, he just stayed composed. He always knew when to attack, when not to attack, when to attack, when not to attack. He was just a genius. There's guys that for a while, whatever those years are, you can't beat them. No one is going to beat them for these years.
And that's just because of his strategy, watching you move.
He was also so good at being the champion. There's a thing about performing in front of so many people with such high stakes. And if you've never experienced that before, the first time you ever fight for a championship fight, it's so crazy. You see it in guys' faces. sometimes.
You see the weight of it on them. They're like, fuck, this is so heavy. There's so much anxiety. You just can't wait to get in there and get it. And once it gets going, then you're fine.
Then you're just going on instincts. Then you're going on training. And then you're fighting. But it's the buildup and the thinking and the anticipation and the anxiety. He's used to that.
He's done that 13 times. He defended the middleweight title, I believe, more than anyone ever. Is that true? I believe he did.
That's why Gene Hackman measured the hoop in Hoosiers. Let them know, like, you've been here. This is it. Same fuck. It's 10 feet.
Yeah. It's the same thing everywhere. Yeah. But the thing is, it's like that anxiety of performing in the moment. And that's what a sports psychologist does.
That's where a sports psychiatrist comes in. That's where a sports hittantist, rather, comes in. Psychiatrists, too, but they give you drugs. You can't take those when you're fighting. Some guys have tried.
I knew a guy who got kicked off a card because he was on Adderall. And they were like, you can't take Adderall and fight. He's like, I need it for my ADD. I'm like, fuck, shut up. Shut up, bro.
You're on speed.
It's tough, though, man. Sports can mess you up.
Oh, 100%.
Like, I come home from golf for the last three years miserable, right, calling myself a dumb fuck, calling myself a piece of shit loser. And then my girlfriend goes, hey, why don't you just tell your son, you know, pretend you're talking to eight-year-old you. And I tried that shit for a round. I had the greatest round of my life.
Yeah, you could do it. You just have to, that part of being a man in particular, like, fucking idiot, you know, like you make a mistake. You've got to avoid that. There's zero good.
There's a gym teacher with real short shorts in my head. That is the voice in my head, dude, just like, you, fucking idiot.
I'm guilty of that. sometimes, when I play pool. I'll talk shit to myself. Charles Barkley is one of us. What does he do?
What does he do?
God damn it, you fat fuck.
Did you hear how fast that was?
I mean, he almost not even hit the ball before he said it. That's amazing.
Oh, my God. That's hilarious.
And then the girl's taking the video laugh at the end. It's so good.
Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, that does not help you. But also there's a thing about a guy like a Charles Barkley or a guy like you. It's like you don't really have the time to dedicate to a thing like golf, to really get great at it. It's the same thing as playing pool.
The great pool players, they play eight hours a day. Eight hours a day. If you want to play like a Shane Van Boning level, you want to play like a Fedor Gorsk level, you have to play eight hours a day. They play eight hours a day. They don't fuck around.
They're so in the groove all the time that if you're like a casual player, you just can't find that groove, and they don't want to ever let that groove go. They're in that groove all day long. All day long. They wake up in the morning, and they start thinking about running balls. They start thinking about putting English on balls.
Like, if you want to play golf like a really great golfer, those fucking guys play every day. They have coaches.
There's just no way.
They analyze footage. Like look at Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods started playing when he was how old?
Three, maybe? Two?
Arguably.
Yeah.
Yeah, and was coached by his father from the time he was a child.
Played constantly. Yeah. Greatest of all time.
I mean you can get in the groove for a little bit, and that's what keeps you going back, but you're not going to stay in the groove.
You're not going to stay in the groove. No. To me, it's maddening for me with pool. Because I can play pool, like if I have a night off, and I can play for like five, six hours, like around four hours in, I start really getting the groove. I start feeling it.
But it's like inconsistent. It comes and goes. But if you play with a great player, and you watch them do it, they just never get out of the groove. They're always there. They very rarely miss.
They very rarely miss position. Their cue ball's perfect. It's always moving exactly where they want it to go. And if it's not, they play safe. And you watch and you're just like, what?
It's like. this is a feel of the movement of the balls. that's only possible if you're so finely tuned to it that you're playing every day. Like this guy, Fedor, he just won the world championships. He's a friend of mine.
He's been on the podcast before. We were having a conversation on the phone about cues. Because he had switched. He was with this company, Q-Tech. And then he switched to this company, White Carbon.
And it was months ago. And I was saying, we were talking about different approaches he uses and different equipment. He's like, I'm still adjusting to this cue. I go, really? I go, yeah, for like how long now?
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