#2176 - Chad Daniels
2024-07-17 02:43:54
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Hello Chad. Hi. What's happening man? Nothing much. Nice to meet you in person.
Yeah, likewise.
We were already chatting about how Google is totally listening to me. Right. Confirmed, 100%. Because your Google News feed is always, like, stuff that you're interested in, pretty much. But I was having a conversation with my wife about purses, and she was explaining to me that certain purses, like, you can't just buy the purse.
You have to develop a relationship with the store owner. I'm like, what?
I don't get that. You think if you're trying to sell stuff, you'd want to sell it right when they came in?
Exactly. I don't get it. But, like, there's a thing that certain, like, posh, people really love, and it's exclusivity. Sure. They love it.
I'm the only one that can get this watch. I'm the only one that can get this fucking purse, or whatever it is. So, anyway, all of a sudden, Google starts showing me purse things. They start showing me all this stuff about purses. I didn't look anything up about purses.
I just had a conversation with the phone sitting at the dinner table. That's crazy.
Yeah, it happens all the time. It's weird. It ends up in your feed. You're like, oh, my forearms are too small. Next thing you know, you've got these Flexi deals and the Gorilla Grip deal thingy that spins around.
There's no doubt it happens. There's 100% no doubt. it happens. Because that is the only explanation for that showing up. Because, generally, it's always the same stuff.
Same kind of things that I'm interested in. Stuff that I click on. UFOs. MMA. Some new car.
Something. It makes sense. And it shows up in my news. And I'm like, why are they showing me three different articles about purses? What the fuck is going on?
You fucking creeps. Ew.
Ew. Is that legal? How does that work? Do you have to sign off on that on the app? Like, if you use the Google News app, are you signing off on that?
There are multiple ways that you may have opted in to something that's allowing that to happen.
Jesus.
I haven't read any of those things. I scroll to the bottom, hit the thing.
If you read them, you're a psycho. If you're sitting there reading those things. How long would it take you? Forever. Yeah.
Like, how big is the Apple one? It's three full scrolls.
Apple's pretty good about stuff. I think they're probably the best about that. Because they're the first company that actually stepped in and said, we're going to stop companies from being able to share your information. They're the first. What exactly did they do, Jamie?
They made some sort of a big deal. It was an advertising move. And a lot of people got pissed off at them for it.
It might have been the ability to opt out. I think they might have given you the option to opt out on the settings of the iOS. For the first time. I'll check.
Something like that. I think you're right. Something like that. But a bunch of people are like, this is going to affect our advertising. But yeah, you guys are stealing money.
Stop doing that.
I spend my mornings going through my emails, unsubscribing to stuff. Yeah. It's just too much.
There's companies. Like, there's one of our ads. Which one is that? They'll go out and find the subscriptions. Which one is that?
Jamie will find it.
Oh, like they go find it and let you know what you're subscribed to?
And you're like, oh, National Geographic? Still? You know, whatever it is. Whatever.
Oh, God. I am leaking money.
I'm sure. Apparently everybody is. It's just you get so accustomed to subscribing. Like, oh, that'll be easy. I'll get the cereal every month.
Yeah. No shit. I'm five years into a lot of week-long subscriptions. Free subscriptions.
Yeah. Well, that was how they used to get you. How old are you?
49.
Okay. You might be old enough to remember. I'm 56.. Do you remember those Columbia Record House deals? Oh, hell yeah.
Nobody paid for that. How did they make any money?
I still have collection coming in.
Everybody does. I feel like that was a way that they made artists seem more popular than they were. I think that was part of their deals. They could say they sold, you know, millions and millions of records. I also think it was probably a way they could rip artists off.
Because they could say, we lost all this money on Columbia. They could factor it in and say, I know it seems like you sold a million copies, but actually 400,000 of them are Columbia, and nobody's paid for them.
The MC Hammer clause.
Is that what it was?
I don't know, but he's that guy.
Did that happen to him?
I know that his record deal screwed him over. He had to file for bankruptcy, all that stuff.
Oh, yeah, that's right. He went full MC Hammer, too. He went crazy. He was getting some house built. I remember it was the most extravagant house.
He had this super expensive marble that was being brought in. And then, I guess, they pulled the rug out from under him. Those dirty bastards. I don't know the whole story behind the MC Hammer thing. But they for sure don't want to pay you all that money.
Oh, no way. If you look at royalties for comics, it's .00, like 15 zeros, and then one cent.
Oh, yeah, you get nothing. For audio, for comedy audio, you get nothing. You get nothing. It's always been like that, though. Especially comedy albums.
After, like 1980, who fucking bought comedy albums?
I mean, I don't know, but it's like, plus the lawsuit. You know about the lawsuit? Which one? They had to take a bunch of people off of Pandora and Spotify and everything. because of the lawsuit.
They were trying to get writer and performance credits.
Who was trying to get it?
Just a company. It was, I can't remember what it was called.
Jamie can find it. Okay. What else were you finding?
Experian was the company that does those subscriptions.
Okay, Experian. Yeah, so they'll find your subscriptions and they'll yank them. So what is the company that's doing this?
So you had all these royalties coming in, and then, all of a sudden, there was like a bunch of estates. Like the Robin Williams estate, I think maybe George Carlin. They were like, hey, we should be getting more money for this, because it's 50-50 split. But songwriters are getting a writer credit and a performance credit. Right.
And so they wanted comics to do that. But that doesn't really make sense, because comedians are like, I'm not using your bits. And so you wouldn't get a writing credit for my performance. Right. So it was strange.
And so then Pandora was like, fuck this. We're pulling everything down and pulled a bunch of guys off, including myself.
I still don't totally understand. So who wanted the credit? Like when you say writer and then performer credit, was that to the comics? So the comics would get paid twice? Yeah.
Okay. So instead of like an artist that didn't write their song, the comics were like, no, we deserve to get paid twice because we created the entire content.
Exactly.
But Pandora was like, no, we can't do that. Right.
Because the writers, I mean like when you're singing a song and someone else wrote it, that makes sense. Right. But no one's doing anybody's bits.
Right.
So like I can't sit up here and do a Hedberg bit.
And if you are, you probably bought them from them.
Right. Yeah. So there was some sort of agreement.
Yeah. Yeah. I bought a heckle line once from a buddy of mine back in Boston. It's such a dumb line. Brian Frazier, the comedian.
The joke was, this is like to someone in the audience that's heckling you, like. this is my impression of God when he made you. Okay. Just a dash of cunt. Oh, no.
The cap fell off. Too much cunt.
How much did you pay for it? I don't remember. I think it was $500.. I don't remember. But it was such a great line.
I was like, dude, that's a hilarious line. He's like, I'll never use it. I go, sell it to me. I'll fucking use it. But, you know, I was like a year into comedy.
I was like, you know, when you're a year into comedy, anything that works, it's like you have tools. You have just like a toolbox. Oh, yeah. Anything that works. They're so precious.
And you're so scared to write new ones. Ah! Yeah.
You're like, start to freak out. And then you're like, oh, this, come and go, gas station bit always works. Right. You know, so you fall back on that.
Right. And even that sucks. You know, it's kind of like the problem is like when you're starting out, you say things in a very specific way. And that might not be the best way to say that bit. But that's the way you're kind of stuck saying it.
That is a problem with bits. Like sometimes when you create, even today, like I'll create, I'm working on a new one. And I'm like, I don't know about this. I feel like there's another way to say this. And I'm just banking on the way that I've been saying it over and over and over again.
And maybe I should just abandon it and let it sit there for a bit and come back to it.
So I didn't work summers for a long time. I have two kids. And when I was, you know, when they were in high school, I'd always be home during the summer. And I found that in September, I would always be able to fix bits a little bit better because I let them sit. I almost forgot about them.
You know how it starts. Right. And then your brain is like, I have to get to this point, but I can't remember how I got there.
Right.
And so then you start to put it together a little differently.
And they're probably working in the back of your head subconsciously too. Because even though you're not doing comedy for three months, you're still probably thinking, in three months, I'm going to do comedy.
Yeah, I think so. Yeah.
So it's probably like working in the background.
Most likely.
Yeah, for sure. I mean, that's what they say. sleeping on, it is all about.
Yeah, like if you're – the piano piece, if you can't figure it out, you play it before you go to bed a bunch of times. And then, all of a sudden, the next morning, you wake up and you're like, fiddle-a-dee.
There's been a few times where I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and I realized how to fix a joke. Yeah, it's just like all of a sudden you're like, oh, that's it. That's it. It just needed one more little ingredient.
It is a fun eureka moment when you fix a bit.
Dude, what is it? Where is it coming from?
Like where is the joy coming from?
No, where is the ideas coming from? Where the fuck are they coming from?
I think they do sit. I think there's a part back there that's just constantly going and we don't hear about it. And then, when it's done, they're like, get it to the fucking front.
Yeah, but even the creation of an idea is so mysterious. I mean that's why people invoke the concept of the muse. You know, that's the Stephen Pressfield, he like swears by it. The War of Art book is all about the muse, about summoning the muse. when you write.
There's something weird going on, I'll tell you that. Because it seems like they, just like enter into your head like a photon. Like some shit from space. just doot, all of a sudden it's in there. And you're like, oh, that was an idea.
And even though it's your idea, like I take credit for writing. Like I'll take credit for fixing jokes. I'll take credit for going up. I always feel like I can't really take credit for the original idea. The original idea is almost like this little gift.
Absolutely. You know?
Like you see something or somebody's doing something, and you go, oh shit, and that sparked something. And you just go, all right, I've got to write this down.
Sometimes you just say it out of nowhere. You just say it. Like you don't even know why you're saying it. You're just saying it. And it's like you didn't even think that much.
It just came out.
Yeah, there's times on stage where you're just all of a sudden riffing a bit. And you hit them with something and they start clapping. You're like, oh, thank God, I'm recording this.
Oh, yeah, sometimes. Sometimes that's the best part of the bit. And you're like, what the fuck is going on? Like. how is that the best part of the bit?
It's almost like you're playing chess in your head. And you are seven steps ahead, but you don't even know it. Right.
It's a weird fucking art form. Weird art form. It's one of the only art forms where almost everybody writes their own stuff. If you think about musicians, there's a lot of musicians who write their own music. And they're kind of revered, right?
Musicians, when you go to see a musician, like a singer-songwriter, and they write their own stuff, and you sit there and you're like, wow, this person crafted this in their mind and practiced it alone. And there's something magical about that. But you can go see a really talented singer that has writers that write for them. And they're great too, but you don't feel the same.
No, because you feel like you're good at playing the guitar. You have a great voice. You're good at making someone else's work. Like I used to audition for stuff. I am fucking toilet at auditioning.
It's the truth. I go in there, and it's somebody else's words. And I'm just every – you can hear the people in front of you. They're getting huge laughs. I go in there and nothing.
I don't know. I don't think I'd be a good singer of someone else's song. I think I'd have to write it.
I never wanted to be an actor. I had zero acting, no wishes, no dreams, no aspirations, zero. I just wanted to be a comic. And then I got a development deal from doing MTV. And then, because of this development deal, I wound up being on a sitcom.
So I went – my point is I did two auditions ever. One was for a show called Hardball. I got that show. And that show got canceled. And another one was for a show called News Radio, and I got that show.
That was the only two that I had ever done. Good for you. It was the nuttiest thing of all time. People would get so mad at me. I'm like, look, I just stepped in shit.
I got super lucky. They were looking for a cocky baseball player for this show on Fox. And I went in, and they met me, and they're like, oh, this is the guy. That's great. And then I did this show where I played a mentally challenged conspiracy theorist maintenance guy at a radio station.
That was perfect too. Yeah, I was like, I got these.
They always sent me in for these auditions, where I was, like, I was 30-something years old, and it would be 22, good-looking. And you're like, what the fuck am I doing here? I went in one time, and it was like an Abercrombie and Fitz shoot. Oh, God. And so I go in, and I'm looking around.
Everyone's a foot taller than me, chiseled jawline.
They're just agents will throw anything at the wall. I went in – I definitely did a bunch of auditions after those shows that I didn't wind up getting, like for movies and stuff like that. They're all so weird. You're in a room with someone, and then you have to improvise. sometimes.
They ask you to improvise. Look, this is neat. One time I went in for the reading, and the PA was this kid. It's not the kid's fault. But he's reading the script.
He's terrible. And you're supposed to be reacting, and he's barely getting the sentence right. And then you're supposed to have this realistic reaction to this.
And then they were like, I want you – this is what the guy said. He goes, I want you to get – you're very excited. Your friend is getting married. You're very excited. I want you to write down on a piece of paper, you know, get married.
You're trying to talk him into getting married. And I'm going to go, so you want me to do this with this guy? I go, look, if you want to bring in an actor, and me and an actor can fuck around, I'll go do it. He's barely getting through these conversations. This is silly.
And then I was like, I don't want to be an actor. I realized, like, why am I even here? I don't want to do this. Let me get the fuck out of here.
Nowhere in real life – yeah, nowhere in real life would somebody go – I'm thinking about getting married, and your response is, you've got to get married.
I mean, it's crazy. Yeah, it was a dumb script. The movie was terrible. But a friend of mine was in it. And I was like, yeah, it would be fun to do a movie with him.
But going out on the audition, I'm like, what am I doing? It was just one of those movies was just – it was written for fake people. It was written in some weird way for people that don't exist. I was like, you're trying so hard to make people talk and think this way. These aren't real people.
This is bizarre. Like, every person in this movie is totally disingenuous. Like, every word that you wrote for them is not like anything. people ever say. This movie sucks.
It fucking sucks. And it looks like you wrote it on Adderall, and you're just trying to make some money. Why am I here? Yeah.
Have you seen the show Suits? I have not. Okay, so they say – they have this really weird cadence where they'll say, and I'm not going to goddamn, do it. They use goddamn in front of stuff. But it's every character.
Oh, God.
And so you're like, how did all these people meet?
Is it from the 20s or something?
No, it's like – It's current? Yeah. I think it's still on. I think it just had a thing come on.
Oh, that's bad writing. Or a bunch of people that are like really easily influenced. You know? Yeah. That's where accents come from.
Like one fucking dude probably talked a certain way, and everybody's like, that guy sounds cool. I thought like this too.
I was reading that some people have a thing in their head where, when they're talking to someone with an accent, to make that person feel more comfortable, they start to speak in the accent without even knowing.
Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I mean, when I was a kid, I would switch accents like when I moved to new places. I realized I only lived in Boston for like six years, and I was 19, and I was on television for this thing that I did.
And I heard myself on TV, and I was like, ew. Ew. I had no idea my accent was so strong. It was like, yuck. A Boston accent?
Yeah, it was terrible. Oh, interesting. So I killed it for the most part, until I get a couple of drinks in me.
Yeah, that's the same with me. You put whiskey in me, and I get a little Canadian.
Yeah, especially if I'm around my friends from Boston, where I'll talk shit to each other. Those guys talk shit.
Yeah, yeah, fucking quack sack.
Yeah. The best place to do stand-up, because to develop there, that treadmill is going. You've got to hop on. You've got to move. Get moving.
Everybody's moving. Nobody in the audience has any attention span. They don't want to hear you dilly-dally and pontificate up there. They want fucking jokes.
Yeah, hammer me. I've got to go to work tomorrow.
Yeah, they're all tired.
I love doing comedy in Boston. Yeah.
Blue collar. It's great. It's not even necessarily blue collar, because there's a lot of white-collar people that come to the shows, too. It's just work ethic. When you have to shovel your car out of snow every fucking year, you have work ethic.
You can't get up at 8 o'clock to be at work at 9.
. No, you have to get up at 7, because you've got an hour of shoveling to do.
Yeah, defrost the windshield.
Yeah, you've got to do all that shit. You've got to start the car up, let it run, heat the inside to defrost the windshield, get the fucking scraper, and then you're out there on a fucking skating rink. Your street's a skating rink, so you have to drive 5 miles an hour, and you have to make sure that you hit the brakes way before the car in front of you, or you're going to cause a pile-up. I saw so many pile-ups, man.
Yeah. Whew. Goddamn. I grew up in Minnesota. I lived in Minnesota my whole life, and it's just non-stop.
I think Minnesota's the number one state where people die in deer accidents. Is it the number one? Getting shot, you mean? No, no, no. Deer on the road.
Oh, God. Yeah, I would think that. I would think that.
It's either Michigan or Minnesota. I forget which one, but those places, you grow up in. a place like that, man, you develop some resilience. Yeah. Those are different human beings.
Yeah. You grow up in fucking Florida, the only thing you have to worry about, the sky becomes an angry god every couple of years. Yeah.
I remember I-.
Pennsylvania. Ooh. Oh, wow. Interesting. Damn.
One in 38 chance of hitting an animal. So you drive for two months, you're going to hit one in West Virginia. West Virginia. Pennsylvania's one in 59.. That's still high.
But one in 38 is crazy.
Yeah, that's wild. One in 38 means every month you're hitting a fucking deer. That is so crazy. That is so crazy. It doesn't mean that.
It means overall, the time of your life. Holy shit. One in 38.. But that's a lot.
I've never hit a deer. It's probably stupid to put out into the universe.
Yeah.
But I've never hit one.
I've never hit one either. I did hit a squirrel once. I felt so bad. Little guy was moving left and juking left and right, not sure. And I'm like, come on, fucker.
Don't do this. Don't do this. And he did it. And I felt the thump. I'm like, oh, no.
And I look back and I see his little legs kicking. But you know what? Vultures have to eat too. That's what that's all about, you know?
Oh, absolutely.
That's a weird thing, too. When you see a dead animal and you're like, oh. And then you come back like 20 minutes later and you see these monsters hovering over it, devouring it. Just gone. They're so gross.
Pulling everything out. Oh.
Have you ever seen a Tibetan sky funeral? Huh? Bro. In Tibet, I don't know which religion, I don't know what they're practicing. But they have this ritual called the Tibetan sky funeral.
And instead of burying people, what they do is they chop them up and they feed them to vultures. What the fuck? Yeah. And there's graphic video of this online. Because this is like this big ritual.
So there's graphic video of these dudes with these, like, giant cutting boards and fucking cleavers, hacking up people. And there's a swarm of vultures all around them. So they're hacking up body parts. And then these vultures are just devouring these human beings. And we think it's gross, right?
But isn't it grosser that you waste the body?
Dump it, yeah.
What is this, Jamie? It's a video of it. Oh, it's a video of it. That guy looked a little too cute to be there. I was like, what are you doing there, fella?
I thought it was a movie. So look at these. Look at all these vultures.
Jesus. This is like when pelicans follow a fishing boat.
Oh, they 100% know what's going on, because they've been doing it all the time.
This is a tourist attraction in some part of China.
Jesus Christ.
Tourist attraction.
Oh, there they go.
So then I'm going to show you hacking the guy up.
Sure, got it.
But there's plenty of other videos that are more documentary style, that show, like, very graphic images of this person just hacking apart this body.
How big? How big do they cut the pieces?
Just, like, chunks. And the vultures, they're all, you saw how they are. They're like piranha. They're all just on it. And they just devour everything.
They devour the bones. They devour everything. Isn't that better? Though, I mean, look, nobody wants their loved one to be reduced to meat, you know? But is it better that you're taking your loved one and you're pumping them filled with some toxic chemical that makes it so that they'll never, never rot?
You can exhume them years later and find fentanyl traces and shit.
If you believe, like, in something else, like something's going on afterlife-wise, I mean, the soul's gone anyways. It's the vessel that you're putting in the ground or letting vultures eat.
And if you believe that this person was murdered, like, do a better job now. Like, how much time do you need?
You know, do it and film it and get all your – I guess maybe, like, remember that HBO show, Autopsy? Do you remember that show? Uh-huh. There was a great show about this guy, Dr. Michael Badden.
And Dr. Michael Badden would always catch, like, husbands that poisoned their wives secretly or wives that had poisoned all their husbands, and people that had killed people, like, in secret, sneaky ways, and gotten away with it. And then he gets on the case and he finds, like, really crazy, crazy examples. One of them was this one guy. And after his wife had died – I don't even know if it was his wife.
It was maybe his girlfriend. But he kept buying cases of perfume. And no one could figure out why this guy was doing this. But he left his wife in the bed and never reported that she was dead and kept fucking her and put, like, a mask on her. And then eventually put, like, some artificial vagina down there.
And the perfume – he was pouring perfume on her to mask the decay. And so eventually, finally, they caught him. But they got these images of what used to be his wife, with, like, a mask on the face. And there was clothes on what's left of this body. And then there's this, like, tube where the vagina is.
And this fucking psycho was banging her corpse and, like, passing out from the smell and just cases of perfume. This dude was just pouring perfume all over her corpse.
I feel like I could solve that crime.
You have to be in the room. I mean, you have to be, like, in the neighborhood or something. Have you ever smelled a body? Uh-uh. When I was a kid, the apartment that we lived in in New Jersey, this guy died on one of the floors.
And the smell is insane. It's so specific. It's so different. A rotting human body, apparently, has a very unique odor. And, like, the coroners and the guys they called in, like, when there's a smell, they know what it is.
right away. They go, that's a person. It's different than a dog.
Yeah. Because I was going to say, mice die in my garage, and I can't go in there for two days.
Yeah.
I mean, it sucks. So a person's got to use it.
Oh, my God. It was horrible. The whole hallway. You couldn't specify, like, where it was coming from. It was like a skunk.
You know, it was everywhere. The whole hallway just reeked of this, like, it was just like the universe letting you know, get out of there. Get the fuck out. New Jersey, man. It's giving you this smell.
Not just New Jersey, I mean that hallway. Sure. It's giving you this smell of death. It's a very specific smell.
Do you know how the guy died?
I don't remember. I was a little kid. Oh. I think I was five at the time. But I just, I'll never forget that smell.
I was like, whoa. Because he was in there for a while. You know, some loner. And he just fucking, one day, kicked the bucket. It took a while for anybody to figure it out.
And they figured it out because of the smell.
And then how long did it take them to get him out of there?
I don't remember. I was too little. I don't remember. But it was a very, very specific smell. It was gross.
But it is weird what we do. It's weird that, Joey Diaz was trying to lay this out to me. He's like, Joe Rogan, it's a fucking scam. This is the scam. Even if you want to get cremated, they got to embalm you first.
They got to embalm you first. And you're going to buy a urn. They got you. They got you for 10,, 14, 15 grand. every time.
They're going to tell you your grandfather wants a beautiful coffin. He's fucking dead. What are we doing? It's like this weird thing that everybody does. Where you have to get your person embalmed.
And then you get them made up. Yeah, the creepiest.
My daughter has a friend who, her boyfriend's sister, died. And she's getting into makeup and hair for a living. And they asked her to do the makeup and hair of the dead sister. Oh, my God. Why the fuck would you?
Like, someone has to sign up for that.
Yeah, that has to be your very specific job. That's not regular makeup.
Yeah, it's not like you. go into, you know, like a Great Clips or something. And ask somebody like, hey, my grandpa died. Can you come help?
Bro, that might haunt you for the rest of your life. Especially if you know this person. There's no way. Absolutely.
I'd like a Viking funeral.
Viking funerals are dope. But a Viking funeral, again, you're kind of wasting the body. If you just put it in the ground, that's what it's supposed to look like. You're supposed to go back to nature. I guess a Viking funeral, eventually, you get back into the system.
You're just taking the long run.
Yeah, yeah.
You turn back into carbon again. This is going to take so much time. But you're going right into microbes. And essentially what's inside of you starts eating you first, if I'm not mistaken. I think all the bacteria in your body, you start breaking down from that stuff.
I think a lot of weird things happen. But then the stuff on the outside figures out. you're dead. And then the soil starts devouring you.
Going for it. Have you seen the people that get put into trees?
Yeah. That's wild. That makes sense. Makes sense.
Or like a diamond. Yeah. They get pressed down.
But trees definitely live well off of fertilizer. It comes from dead animals. Yeah, they eat what's there. They take it in, suck it up, which is what fertilizer is. Which is why our food sucks.
Because we give them fake food. We basically feed our processed food, processed food. Right? Because nitrogen is what, you know, we take nitrogen and a bunch of other bullshit chemicals and we pour it on this dead topsoil so that these poor corn can survive. And then we eat the corn and there's like no nourishment.
And they're like, what are we doing? Yeah.
I remember in third grade they taught us about crop rotation. And you're driving by these fields and you're like, this has been fucking corn since I was in third grade.
There's no way you can rotate. Yeah. That's what they're all doing in the regenerative farms. In regenerative farms, they move everything around. That's how you're supposed to do it.
That's how everyone's done it from the beginning of time. What is that? Mushrooms that eat your body? Whoa. Suit you where to get buried and you turn into mushrooms.
But they're going to embalm you, man. Unless you live in a place that lets you opt out of that. Unless this is for another country. What are the laws in America? Let's find out what the laws are.
When you die, do they have to embalm you? Because this is what Joey was saying. But that might have been very specific. It might be regional. It might be like certain cities.
They embalm you before you go into a cooker? Yeah.
That's what he was saying.
Oh, I didn't know that. I thought you just went in.
It's not required by law.
Not required. But they probably taught you. anyway, then. That's probably what it is.
It says, in fact, the FTC funeral law forbids any funeral home from stating the contrary.
Interesting. That's because they've done it.
Oh, absolutely. All they're trying to do is shame you, make you feel bad.
Listen, you have to embalm them before you cremate them.
Your grandfather came in here earlier and told us he wanted to be embalmed.
Is it necessary? According to federal law, it's forbidden to declare that embalming can entirely stop the process of decomposition. Oh, but that's different.
That's probably why, I guess, though. Right.
It's entirely forbidden to declare that embalming. But is it mandatory? Do that. Is embalming mandatory?
I was giving more—.
It's not required by federal law in the United States. And no funeral homes can claim that it is. That's interesting. However, there are some circumstances where embalming may be required. State law.
Okay. Some states require embalming if the body is not refrigerated or is held in transit for 1 to 24 hours. Other states require embalming if the death was caused by a contagious disease or if the remains are being transported between states. So funeral homes require embalming. If the family chooses a service— Okay.
That's probably—visitation, open casket. That makes sense. Cemeteries may require embalming if the remains are being tombed in a mausoleum. Ew.
Yeah, that's a lot. Embalming can help their loved ones see their loved ones. for the last time. You know what? I have only been to one funeral where I saw one of my loved ones.
It was my grandfather. And I was like, he is not there. Like, whatever they left there, that is just not—that's not my grandpa. He's gone.
Yeah, when they go, oh, he looks so natural. Well, he looked fucking orange when I knew him.
Fuck, no. Uh-uh. No. He does not look natural. He looks weird.
Yeah. There's like part of you that knows that whatever a person is in their soul, whatever a soul is, it's off.
Yeah, that's gone.
It's off. Yeah. Yeah, it's gone. And it's weird. It's a weird feeling that you get when you're around a dead body.
It's like, mm.
Especially one that you knew so well.
Oh, yeah. It's a wake-up call, you know, because you just realize, like, oh, my God. Like, this comes for everyone. One day, everyone in your life is going to go like that. And if you're lucky, you're going to see it.
Is that what the luck is? You know, if you live long enough. I was switching phone numbers the other day, and I was going over my phone—my contact list, and there's so many people in there that are dead. I kept pulling out people that were dead. I was like, oh, he's gone.
He's gone. God damn.
It was crazy. How long has it been since you switched last time?
Well, it's just—I got a bunch of old numbers, you know, from dudes that I haven't talked to in forever, that, you know, you just—. When you have an iPhone, you just keep getting a new number, and somehow or another, all the numbers come with you. There were so many of my friends that are dead. It's so sobering, you know, when you just start counting the numbers. Like, oh, fuck.
Norm MacDonald. Oh, fuck. You know, and you just go through all of it, and you're like, fuck. Fuck, he's gone, too. You know?
Yeah.
I'm getting to the age where that's about to start happening, I think.
It happens, you know. And sometimes it happens, and you do not see it coming, and it hits you like a train, especially when they take their own life. You're like, what?
Yeah.
Jesus Christ. And then there's always that guilt of, like, fuck, maybe if I talked to him. Maybe if I had one conversation. Or maybe that's just your ego.
Yeah, because I don't—I think once you're over that line, I don't think there's a lot of pulling it back.
Perhaps, but I think every circumstance is different.
Yeah, I guess there's that one dude that used to live by a bridge, and he would go out and talk guys off the ledge. So, I mean, I guess maybe that is.
There was one guy that jumped, and he lived. He's one of the rare guys that lived. And he said as he jumped, he'd realize what a horrible mistake he made. And he wanted to take it back, but he couldn't. And he lived, but he was all fucked up.
But lived a happier life. Like, was thankful that he was alive, which is kind of crazy.
Yeah, I used to bartend, and this dude would come in, and he was missing his jaw.
He's talked one of the 200 people off the ledge.
Yeah, that's amazing.
Highway patrol officer. I bet that guy's a smooth talker. I have a buddy who jumped off that bridge.
No shit? Yeah.
Tony Anagoni, who's a professional pool player.
Good dude. I hadn't talked to him in a while. I hadn't talked to him in a couple of years. And then I saw it in the news, and I was like, fuck.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's one of those things, man, where it's just like, when it happens, you just get jolted. Especially the suicide ones. It's like, what?
Yeah, when you had no clue.
Because, like, you think about that person when you're all having fun together. You think about that person when you're sitting around laughing, cracking jokes.
Especially if it's the life of the party that does it. Right. You go, how the fuck, I could have picked 10 other guys besides you.
Right, like, imagine Robin Williams. Imagine watching Robin Williams on any, did you ever see that commercial? Where he's doing a commercial, and he won't stop fucking around? I don't think so. And the director's trying to get him to stop fucking around, and he's like, will not stop fucking around.
I love that. He's doing the different characters and shit. And it's like, okay, Robin, can we focus now? And Robin's just fucking going off. Yeah.
That guy you would never imagine could ever be sad.
You know? I was an extra in a movie with him, Billy Crystal, and Louise Dreyfuss.
Two people were sick. They went back to their trailers, and I was interviewing him, and he did it as Mrs. Doubtfire. And it was fucking awesome, man. Everybody was losing it.
Play it, Jamie. Let me see it.
Pardon me.
It's already great.
Look at his back into the camera. Look, he's a different guy. now. Robin, just do the line so we can get out. I can't do everything.
For me, this place is fabulous. I want to do the line for you. Robin, the line, the introduction, just the one line that you've got to do, okay, please? Yes, sir. Okay?
Foul ball, a mayo hygiene spray. You know, sometimes below the waterline, you could reek.
That's why I need new foul ball.
Some part of the thing is upside down.
Sorry.
This is fabulous. I couldn't believe it. Bobby, just can't do calls. Do the line now, just the introduction, one line, okay? Yes.
Hello. I'm Sheldon Heston. You know, I have very few Jewish friends, if any. But I'd like to say, won't you please help support the United Goyim College Fund? Help learn a child to eat hot dogs this year, mayonnaise and corned beef.
Can we get another actor in, please? Oh, give me a chance. Please, I need this. All I have to do is say... He's going to say...
I'm going to cut camera. You've got to do the line. Just... All right? Can we hear it, please?
You know,
what I would have loved to have seen, actually, is if they could have combined a drop-off funeral and the Olympics and had him in the bobsled run.
All right, I'm ready, Howard. All right, can we get it now? Yes, sir, I think we can. Do you know what the line is? Do you want me to hold the cue card?
No. Yeah, I can. The one that says...
Storm,
Storm.
That's a German name, isn't it?
Storm. Sounds like a dog. I love that old Storm. Come here, boy. Hey, off the leg.
We're ready now. Here we go.
I'm ready to say that line hard because I love you. I love you for the man that you are. An incredible man. More than just one night. A man who can, I don't know, make you realize...
Ouch! Who are you?
I'm ready now.
Okay. You ready? Thank you, Mr. Williams. Thank you, Howard.
Yes, Howard Storm is now directing commercials.
Again, I can get it this time. Yeah, once more. Hi, I'm Jack Nicholson, and you know, Howard Storm is directing goddamn commercials. It's incredible that he can find a camera small enough to work with, but God bless him for trying. His first commercial was Billy Barty on a footstool.
God, I love the fact that the man takes chances. Thank you, and cut.
He just wasn't gonna do it.
He's a maniac.
Oh, that's incredible.
He was an odd dude, for sure. People get mad when you bring up joke-thieving allegations with that guy, but that's just what it was.
That went on for over 13 minutes.
That's hilarious.
Two and a half minutes.
Yeah, people think that you're not supposed to talk about that part, but that was part of him.
Yeah, you have to talk about everything.
The guy still was great. He was still great. He was very odd.
I wonder if his brain worked so quickly that sometimes it was out before he knew it.
Perhaps. You could excuse someone for a lot of things. I don't know how his brain worked. Obviously, he had mental problems, which wound up. There was a lot of physical problems that wound up, contributing to his suicide, but depression was part of that, too.
You have to also put it in context. There wasn't anybody like him back then. There was Jonathan Winters, who he took inspiration from, who a lot of people forgot about. Jonathan Winters was really weird like that. He would do really weird, crazy stuff and act like different characters and just wouldn't be there and just would hold on to it, and people would panic and they wouldn't know what to do.
I think he took a lot of inspiration from Jonathan Winters, who was an amazing talent, too. Robin was very unique. There was really nobody like him. He could act his ass off, man. He was like Good Morning Vietnam.
He was good in movies, too.
Yeah, I like Good Nool Hunting when he's in that movie.
Yeah, man. Yeah, and serious roles. How about that 24-hour photo? Did you ever see that? Yes.
Bro. Creepy. Creepy. Yeah, he played a good psycho. It was very, very good.
But you would never imagine a guy like that would hit the rocks where he'd wind up killing himself. You're like, no way.
Then you start to wonder, was the comedian part of him, the show, and the 24-hour photo was the real deal?
I doubt the 24-hour photo was the real deal. I think the real deal was a deeply depressed person. The reason why they were so good at getting people entertained is because they needed so much more than the average person just to hit a baseline. I think when people are super depressed and then they use comedy as a way to just, like a drug, to just get them. Like Richard Jenney apparently was only happy when he was killing, and then when he got off stage, he was depressed.
Oh, God. He's another guy that wound up killing himself.
That's like an hour a day that you're happy.
Yep, and he was like the most miserable guy guaranteed. Like when I would do morning radio, I would always ask the guy, the driver, who's the worst guy you have to drive around? And they always would say Richard Jenney. Say he hated it. He didn't want to be there.
Didn't want to talk to anybody. He was miserable.
He was so fucking funny.
Dude is weird. He wanted to be a movie star, apparently. So back then, in the 1980s and 90s, like, what the thing was was you would graduate into movies, like a Jim Carrey, or into TV like a Seinfeld, and you have your own show. But everybody really wanted movies. That was the thing.
And he never got any of those. He was only in like one movie. He was in The Mask with Jim Carrey, and he had a show on the UPN called Platypus Man. I remember that. It was terrible.
But his stand-up was brilliant. His stand-up was incredible. He was so good. We all would just be in awe of him. I remember him doing a bit at the Comedy Works in Montreal, this little tiny room in Montreal.
It was a great room run by this amazing guy named Jimbo. Jimbo was the best. And this room was only like a 90-seat room. And it was during the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival. And Richard Jenny went up, and he did a bit about buying a Corvette.
Like, what an unrelatable premise. What a premise. where you're like, how do you get anything out of this? And it was murdering, just murdering. I can't remember what he said, but I was crying, laughing.
We were crying, laughing. It was so funny. And there were so many punchlines in there. His sense of irony, his sarcasm, the way he would hit the punchlines, the writing. It's like all day.
he prepared for these sets, and then he would just go into a darkness and just get ready to do it again. That's brutal. Horrible. I knew his girlfriend. His girlfriend, was a comic too.
One of his girlfriends at the time. I don't think she was the girl that was his girlfriend at the time that he killed himself. But she was a comic at the store, and she would just tell me. The guy's so brilliant, but he's so eaten up.
Yeah. Some people can't find balance.
It sucks, man. When they're that good, you just want to hug them. Come on, man. Keep it together, dude.
I just want to go. Just enjoy the rest of it.
I've told this story before, so I apologize to anybody that's heard it. But he went to the Eastside Comedy Club in Huntington Beach. No, it wasn't Huntington Beach. It was on Long Island. East Huntington?
I forget where it was. But Eastside Comic Club was a great comic club on Long Island. I went there on a Sunday, and I talked to the guy that was the emcee all weekend, and he was depressed. I said, why are you depressed? He goes, Richard Cheney did a different hour every show.
He did four different hours and killed. He goes, I'm up there. I have 20 minutes that I'm opening with, and I can barely get through them. They suck. Then I'm bringing on this genius who does a different hour every fucking show.
He goes, it makes you want to quit comedy. I think he might have quit comedy, because I never heard from him. I really think that might have done him in. I think he was around for a year or two after that, but I think that was it. That is tough to watch, though.
When you're working with a master, you're not even close to it yet.
It's like those dudes who fought Mike Tyson in the early days. You never saw them again. Yeah.
I've been late for a show twice in my life, and both times it was from watching Mike Tyson's greatest hits.
Oh, wow. They will drive you crazy. There was a time in 1986, whatever it was, when he lost to Buster Douglas, when there's never been a heavyweight like him. I think he was the greatest of all time. I think he was the greatest of all time for a short period of time, but I think you have to look at a fighter in particular.
They can't keep it up forever. It's too crazy. They only have a few years in this high revolution, high rev, red line, prime. That's what I try to judge them on. People judge fighters on longevity, like Sugar Ray Robinson, or the best example of all time is Bernard Hopkins.
Bernard Hopkins was a world champion when he was 49 years old. Crazy. Crazy. That's my age. Crazy.
Crazy. And fucking up guys that were 20 years younger than him with ease.
That's wild.
He was a master, just a masterful boxer who had incredible discipline and never lost focus and never got out of shape and never ate bad food, never processed anything. He always ate clean, organic food, drank water, no booze, fuck you. Up in the morning, always running, always calisthenics, always was shredded, never gained weight in between fights. Even today. I had him on the podcast a couple months ago.
How many months ago? Six months ago? Maybe a little longer.
Something like that. Even now. Guy's in his 50s, fucking shredded.
I don't have that in me.
Ready to go. You don't have to. You're a comedian.
I need the processed food sometimes.
Sometimes you need a little comfort.
What do you think it was about Tyson? I always equated it to his legs and his coil.
There was a lot of factors. A lot of factors. First of all, there was his upbringing. He had a horrible, horrible upbringing. Just crime and violence in the worst neighborhood in Brooklyn.
He lived in Bed-Stuy. Brownsville, I think, originally, in Bed-Stuy. Terrible neighborhoods. Real bad. A lot of crime, a lot of violence.
Then, at 13 years of age, he gets adopted by this guy, Customato, who's one of the greatest boxing minds of all time. He's also a hypnotist. From age 13 on, he's hypnotizing Mike and telling Mike he's the greatest of all time. He's the greatest of all time. He's going to be the greatest heavyweight the world has ever seen.
Then, on top of it, you have crazy genetics. I had Teddy Allison. He told me that when Mike was 13, he was knocking out grown men. They wouldn't believe he was 13.. He'd bring them to boxing tournaments.
They're like, how old's that kid? He goes, 13.. He goes, he's fucking 16.. He goes, okay, he's 16.. He'd put him in with the 16-year-olds.
He'd knock the 16-year-olds out. Yeah, he was a freak. You have that sometimes. You have kids that just have extraordinary genes. Then you have this perfect storm of a very intelligent person who is deeply neglected as a child, and then adopted by a genius.
Not just a boxing genius, but a genius in terms of psychology and life and philosophy. He understood war. He was a war historian. He was a boxing historian. He was also managed by this guy, Jim Jeffries, or Jim Jacobs, rather.
Excuse me. Jim Jacobs had Jim Jeffries tapes, or James Jeffries. He had Jack Johnson and Jack Dempsey. He had all the film footage of fighters, some of the greatest boxers of all time. Willie, Pep, Floyd Patterson.
He had all this old footage on reels. He was the biggest collector of old boxing footage. Mike was being managed by him. Mike would sit there all day and watch Jack Dempsey fight, watch Jack Johnson fight, watch Stanley Greb, watch these old, old killers. These guys that existed decades ago, and no one gets a chance to see them.
We're talking about 1980.
. You don't even have VHS tapes. When did they come along? They were like 1982 or something like that. This is happening to him in the 70s, like late 70s.
Let's make sense of this. He's 58.. He's a year older than me. How old was he when he was 13??
What year was it when he was 13,. rather?
He was born in 79.
79.
. Okay. No VHS. The only way you can see these things is if they put them on television, which they might, but then you have to watch it. while it's on TV.
You can't re-watch it again. There's no way to record anything. Or you know Jim Jacobs. You know Jim Jacobs, who also did the commentary on a lot of those. If you watch a lot of those old films, they're black and white and there's no sound.
They put in sound later. Jim Jacobs does the commentary. I know his voice. He was a genius too. They had this incredible convergence of all these things that created Mike Tyson in 1986, where people were like, holy shit.
Yeah. When he would walk out there with no bathrobe and just fucking. He was a perfect creation of the universe. The universe, all the factors that would come into play that make something super special, all came in in his. To be a boxing champion, it could not have had a better convergence of mind, talent, background, and then the people that were influencing him.
Yeah. He was wild. Yeah.
He's being trained by Teddy Atlas when he's a little kid.
Isn't it illegal to hypnotize a child?
That's a good question.
I would think there's got to be.
That's a good question. Depends. I mean, one of your kid thinks they're possessed. That might be a good thing that hypnotize them. You think kids like, which I'm like, I have words for you.
Like, Oh, Billy, what the fuck is wrong with you, man? I'm sorry, I left you alone. I had to work. I had two jobs. I had to pay the bills.
Billy's bouncing off the walls at home and he thinks he's possessed.
You're like, watch the spoon. Yeah.
It might be good to hypnotize that kid. But yeah, I would think hypnotizing anybody before they were aware of what the fuck that means. But I don't think hypnotizing is what people think it is either. I don't necessarily. I've only been hypnotized once, so I can't speak to like what the total potential of what someone can do with hypnosis is.
But you're aware of what's going on. It's not like you're going to like take your clothes off and blow the sky. Like it doesn't make any sense. Like you're, you're just in a different state of consciousness and it's almost like you're allowed to look at things for what they really are versus all this noise. It's around most of the ideas in your head where you're blaming other people, when you should probably blame yourself, when you know you were lazy, and that's why it went bad.
And it wasn't like someone else's fault. and all that stuff that keeps people on the wrong track, that keeps people drinking too much and gambling too much. All those weird things are going on in your head. Like you'll get past that and you'll see you. Yeah.
And you see you for a brief amount of time and you kind of analyze what it is that's fucking with you. And then someone who's like a good performance psychologist can implant ideas like help you implant ideas in your mind of how you're going to approach things from now on. How are you going to look at things from now on? I know a lot of fighters use them. A lot of fighters use hypnotists and performance coaches.
The guy who did it to me is my friend Vinnie Shorman, and he does it to a lot of fighters. He hypnotized a lot of fighters.
And what does he, what does he put in there, then?
I think it depends. I think it's different for each fighter. What they need.
What they're missing.
I mean some fighters, there's a thing that happens with some fighters in the midst of a chaotic fight. They will forget about the game plan and they will just go on instinct and start throwing down and they wind up getting knocked out or something goes bad.
They panic. I don't want to say panic, but they don't think straight. That's the best way to say it. Because they're still fighting. It's chaos.
But you're letting that lizard brain take over. And you're not sticking to the game plan. The really good fighters know how, even in these chaotic scrambles, to keep things technical. Don't do anything. that's going to get you caught.
It looks nutty when you're watching it on television. But if you're watching a tactician like a Max Holloway or San Hagen or Sean O'Malley. These fighters are very tactical. Everything they're doing is to elicit a reaction from you. And then they have counters based on how you do things.
And then they start downloading how you're moving and reacting to things. And then they'll start plotting and moving. Anderson Silva was the very best at that. He would take the first round and he would just be kind of like moving with you and moving with you. And then, towards the end of the round, he started fucking you up.
He was just downloading. Anderson in his prime, I had never seen anything like him. In his prime. he was just downloading people's movements.
And do you think those other fighters could see it in his eyes? and they were like, oh fuck, now he knows.
Yeah, when he was at the top, for sure, everyone was terrified of him. The one thing that they did find out, though, he had a flaw. And the flaw was if you didn't attack him, he didn't attack you. He wasn't willing to take stupid chances, especially with big punchers. There's this guy, Patrick Cote, and Patrick Cote was a big puncher.
Like one punch KO guy. And they had the worst fight. It was a boring ass fight. And then Patrick, unfortunately, threw a kick and blew out his knee. It was like the worst ending of a fight ever.
His knee exploded.
Just not getting hit?
Yeah, not getting hit at all. He just went to throw a kick and his knee was in a weird position and it just blew apart. And he's like, ah, and he falls down. That's happened before. It happened to Tom Aspinall recently.
Threw a kick, knee fell apart. It wasn't happening where someone did something to him. He just threw a kick and his knee fell apart.
I'd rather watch a guy get knocked unconscious than have that huge response to a part of their body blowing up.
The knee's a bad one, but the worst is a shin break. That's the very, very worst. Or an arm break. A forearm break or a shin break. Those are very hard to watch.
Those are the hardest I've ever watched. I've seen four leg breaks in person and they're fucking horrific, man. They are fucking horrific. They hurt your soul. Oh, you got one?
This is the worst one. Oh, that's Patrick right there. So watch how he does this. Look, it's so crazy. They're moving around and he goes like he's going to throw a kick and he just fucking moved.
weird. That's it? Out of nowhere. Out of nowhere. His knee just exploded, blew out his ACL, tore his meniscus.
Crazy.
That's a tough dude. So for him to have that reaction, come on. The toughest.
He was an animal. Patrick Ote was a fucking animal. But the fight was kind of boring because he was so dangerous. So Anderson couldn't lead, right? Because if you lead, you worry about being countered.
So Anderson was not just really fucking good, but also really smart.
He just knew when he could hit you and he knew when you could hit him and he would take his time. But again, once he got, you figured out, as the fight went on, if he made the fight boring, it was also a strategy. Because then you would be anxious and you would maybe do something to try to pick up the pace and he would crack you. But he's an old veteran. So he's just standing around going, I don't give a fuck about booze.
Let's just move around here. He did that with another guy, a Brazilian guy, Talas Leitas. Kind of the same thing. Boring-ass fight, but a dangerous fighter and a really dangerous guy on the ground. Talas Leitas was a nasty jiu-jitsu black belt.
And so he was like, I'm going to the ground. I'm going to fucking stay on the outside. Just kind of barely win every round. But if you do something stupid, I'll fuck you up. Nobody did anything stupid.
It's wild to know all that shit.
Well, he was just so smart that he didn't care if people were booing. And then the UFC would get mad at him. They'd get mad at him because those performances, even though he's the greatest of all time, at the time he was for sure. In my eyes, he's still in the conversation. During his time period when he was running shit, still in my book, if not the greatest, one of the greatest of all time, for sure.
He's in the conversation. Whatever that, the conversation is so subjective. And I change my opinion on it all the time. But during that time period, he didn't give a fuck. if people were booing.
He didn't care. And so the UFC would get mad at him. But I was always of the mind that he's doing the 100% correct thing. He's the best fighter. And to fight the best, you've got to know when to attack and when not to attack.
And sometimes you don't attack at all.
Yeah.
Sometimes, if he does something out of character and forces it, that was not his style. So for him to engage in a style that's not his style, then that's stupid. The smart thing is to fight to the best of your abilities. And unfortunately, some of those fights were not fun. But you also get the Vitor Belfort fight from the same guy.
You get the Okami fight. You get the Forrest Griffin fight. You get all those insane knockouts, those highlight reel knockouts. He was a monster, man. In his prime, he was a monster.
But if you can take the boos and the other guy can't.
Yeah. Well, it was also like he wasn't going to do anything stupid until he did. And then he did, and he got knocked out by Chris Weidman because he was doing something stupid. That's literally what his demise was, was the thing that kept him so invincible his whole career. He would stay composed.
No matter what happened, he just stayed composed. He always knew when to attack, when not to attack, when to attack, when not to attack. He was just a genius. There's guys that for a while, whatever those years are, you can't beat them. No one is going to beat them for these years.
And that's just because of his strategy, watching you move.
He was also so good at being the champion. There's a thing about performing in front of so many people with such high stakes. And if you've never experienced that before, the first time you ever fight for a championship fight, it's so crazy. You see it in guys' faces. sometimes.
You see the weight of it on them. They're like, fuck, this is so heavy. There's so much anxiety. You just can't wait to get in there and get it. And once it gets going, then you're fine.
Then you're just going on instincts. Then you're going on training. And then you're fighting. But it's the buildup and the thinking and the anticipation and the anxiety. He's used to that.
He's done that 13 times. He defended the middleweight title, I believe, more than anyone ever. Is that true? I believe he did.
That's why Gene Hackman measured the hoop in Hoosiers. Let them know, like, you've been here. This is it. Same fuck. It's 10 feet.
Yeah. It's the same thing everywhere. Yeah. But the thing is, it's like that anxiety of performing in the moment. And that's what a sports psychologist does.
That's where a sports psychiatrist comes in. That's where a sports hittantist, rather, comes in. Psychiatrists, too, but they give you drugs. You can't take those when you're fighting. Some guys have tried.
I knew a guy who got kicked off a card because he was on Adderall. And they were like, you can't take Adderall and fight. He's like, I need it for my ADD. I'm like, fuck, shut up. Shut up, bro.
You're on speed.
It's tough, though, man. Sports can mess you up.
Oh, 100%.
Like, I come home from golf for the last three years miserable, right, calling myself a dumb fuck, calling myself a piece of shit loser. And then my girlfriend goes, hey, why don't you just tell your son, you know, pretend you're talking to eight-year-old you. And I tried that shit for a round. I had the greatest round of my life.
Yeah, you could do it. You just have to, that part of being a man in particular, like, fucking idiot, you know, like you make a mistake. You've got to avoid that. There's zero good.
There's a gym teacher with real short shorts in my head. That is the voice in my head, dude, just like, you, fucking idiot.
I'm guilty of that. sometimes, when I play pool. I'll talk shit to myself. Charles Barkley is one of us. What does he do?
What does he do?
God damn it, you fat fuck.
Did you hear how fast that was?
I mean, he almost not even hit the ball before he said it. That's amazing.
Oh, my God. That's hilarious.
And then the girl's taking the video laugh at the end. It's so good.
Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, that does not help you. But also there's a thing about a guy like a Charles Barkley or a guy like you. It's like you don't really have the time to dedicate to a thing like golf, to really get great at it. It's the same thing as playing pool.
The great pool players, they play eight hours a day. Eight hours a day. If you want to play like a Shane Van Boning level, you want to play like a Fedor Gorsk level, you have to play eight hours a day. They play eight hours a day. They don't fuck around.
They're so in the groove all the time that if you're like a casual player, you just can't find that groove, and they don't want to ever let that groove go. They're in that groove all day long. All day long. They wake up in the morning, and they start thinking about running balls. They start thinking about putting English on balls.
Like, if you want to play golf like a really great golfer, those fucking guys play every day. They have coaches.
There's just no way.
They analyze footage. Like look at Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods started playing when he was how old?
Three, maybe? Two?
Arguably.
Yeah.
Yeah, and was coached by his father from the time he was a child.
Played constantly. Yeah. Greatest of all time.
I mean you can get in the groove for a little bit, and that's what keeps you going back, but you're not going to stay in the groove.
You're not going to stay in the groove. No. To me, it's maddening for me with pool. Because I can play pool, like if I have a night off, and I can play for like five, six hours, like around four hours in, I start really getting the groove. I start feeling it.
But it's like inconsistent. It comes and goes. But if you play with a great player, and you watch them do it, they just never get out of the groove. They're always there. They very rarely miss.
They very rarely miss position. Their cue ball's perfect. It's always moving exactly where they want it to go. And if it's not, they play safe. And you watch and you're just like, what?
It's like. this is a feel of the movement of the balls. that's only possible if you're so finely tuned to it that you're playing every day. Like this guy, Fedor, he just won the world championships. He's a friend of mine.
He's been on the podcast before. We were having a conversation on the phone about cues. Because he had switched. He was with this company, Q-Tech. And then he switched to this company, White Carbon.
And it was months ago. And I was saying, we were talking about different approaches he uses and different equipment. He's like, I'm still adjusting to this cue. I go, really? I go, yeah, for like how long now?
He's like, four months. He goes, well, he goes, I'm pretty much there. He goes, but I'm about 3% or 4% off. 3% or 4% off. 3% or 4% off.
But this guy's a fucking robot. Like his understanding of where he should be versus where he is, he wants to know exactly how much pressure to apply on that cue to make that ball dance exactly the way. He's like, it's a little off. Like. he knows it's a little off.
I did it just right, but it went there instead of there. Hmm. 3%.
Yeah.
What the fuck, man?
You ever left the stage and just screamed 100 fucking percent into the green room? I'm off 100%.
Every now and then you catch a groove and you aren't 100%. And those moments are the weirdest. You're like, why can't I do this all the time? Why can't I just have so much fun with the jokes all the time? Sometimes you're having so much fun saying the material.
It makes everything so much better. Yeah. And you're like, why don't I do this all the time?
And it just feels like every single thing you say is going to be awesome.
And the more you do it, the more you're there. Right? So if you have a Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, like you're doing a real week in a place, by the time Saturday rolls around, you're a wizard. Yeah. You're a wizard.
You got those bits tied up in a fucking basement. You're in control of the situation.
Just thinking about what you're going to eat after the show and still killing.
You're in the flow. You're in that flow state. And that's when you come up with new stuff. That's the best way to come up with new stuff. Because you just feel funny.
Yeah. You feel where the funny is. It's like, I know that vibe.
I caught that vibe.
I know where that vibe is. I can ride that vibe. Mm-hmm. And that's those golf, guys. So if you're not doing that every day, you're going to get out there and fucking, fucking loser.
Fucking idiot. You fat fuck. You talk to yourself just like Charles Barkley. It's unavoidable.
Yeah. Do you ever play snooker?
I know. I have not played. I've seen people play it. I've fucked around on a snooker table. I've never played a game of snooker.
But it's very difficult. Yeah. It's hard. A lot of snooker players are super successful in pool. No pool players.
Maybe Alex Pagulayan, he can play everything. He's like a world champion in like every discipline. He's a world champion in 8-ball, 9-ball, 10-ball. He's one of the greats of all time. One of the Filipinos, too, which, for whatever reason, Filipinos are the best pool players on earth.
There's guys driving taxi cabs in the Philippines that can win pool tournaments in America. They come over here. You can't even – everywhere you go, there's pool tables. It's like one of the most popular games in the entire – in the whole island chain. It's huge over there.
But that guy is a world – he's like an elite professional snooker player as well as an elite professional pool player, but he's super rare. There's, like John Moore. There's a couple other guys that can play really good snooker.
We came up playing snooker in northern Minnesota.
That's a tough game, man.
Yeah, you'd go in, and these guys are just like – they take it so fucking serious. If you lose them a dollar – I mean these were old, old men. And if you lose them a dollar, forget it. You're out. I remember one of the – they always used to say – so a 2-ball was worth money.
So you'd have to make a cherry, it's called, a red ball first, and then you had to make a number ball. And then he would always go – if he'd miss the 2-ball, he'd go, they never do. Or he'd go, yeah, you bet, if he'd made it. And so we went to this guy's funeral and we had a buddy with me and he had a flask with him, and they were talking, and he stands up and raises the flask and he goes, they never do. And then all his old buddies had flasks with them and they raise it and go, yeah, you bet.
It was the fucking greatest funeral I've ever been to.
That's awesome. Well, I bet snooker pools – snooker halls – what do you call them? What do they call snooker halls, where people play snooker?
We just played at the spot. I don't know. It was like a little restaurant that had tables in back.
Oh, okay. And they were all snooker tables?
We had two pool tables and then two snooker tables. Oh, okay.
Yeah. Because places where they just play snooker, do they call them a snooker hall? Probably. Is that what they're called? Yeah?
Snooker club. Snooker club. The term pool actually comes from gambling. Pool is not the game. The game is pocket.
billiards. Pool is what's called – they pool their money together, gamble. That's the name that was attributed to it. Yeah. It was really a gambling game, 100%.
But snooker players come over to America – snooker players come over to America – and rob people in pool. They play really good, because they're used to those little holes and also these big-ass holes. It's just getting used to the ball moving different. because their balls are so small. They don't put a lot of side English on them, and they don't do weird stuff with them.
American cue balls are larger, and the billiard balls are larger, so they do a lot of shit with them. They throw balls into the side pocket with English and do weird things. So they have to learn all that stuff, and then they learn how to break hard. Once they do that, their technique is so flawless.
Yeah, spot on, because they're going just straight shots.
And they have academies that teach people how to play. There's not a lot of – there's a few really good teachers in this country, but there's no national system where you have a university that you go to learn how to play snooker. They have that. They have real –. at one point in time, there was real money in snooker in the U.K., like real money.
Those guys were millionaires. What? Yeah, yeah.
The guys I was playing with were not millionaires.
But you were playing with the guys in Canada or Michigan, right?
Minnesota, yeah.
All that cold stuff is the same to me.
But in the U.
K.
, yeah, there was – snooker was huge on television. I remember going over there for a gig a long time ago. I turned on the TV. I'm like, whoa, they've got snooker on like regular TV. This is nuts.
Oh, wow. Yeah, watching these matches because you're stuck in a hotel room before your show. So you're just watching. What do you guys watch? They're all watching snooker.
But for whatever reason, I think it died off. I don't think it's that popular anymore.
I don't think you could find a snooker table in the town I grew up in anymore.
Yeah.
Places close. They get rid of them because all the old guys that played died off.
Well, the game that really died off was Three Cushion Billiards. Three Cushion Billiards was the real game back in the day.
What's that?
It's a game with no pockets.
It was also a very big gambling game where people would gamble a lot of money. Like gentlemen, would gamble a lot of money playing Three Cushion. And Three Cushion, you can't find that anywhere anymore. It's still in some countries. I think Korea has a big Three Cushion scene.
And Belgium. There's a guy from Belgium that does really well at Three Cushion. Some European countries still use it.
Is that the one that has the score up on a wire above the table? Where you move it with your cue?
They do that with pool, too. That's just a score line. But what Three Cushion Billiards is is this giant-ass table that has no pockets. And you have three balls. And it's usually two red balls and a white ball.
Right here, they do yellow sometimes, too, now. So this guy has to hit a ball, and then it has to go three cushions, and then hit the second ball. So it's all about understanding angles. See if you can find a video of someone doing it. It's fucking boring.
See, this is the game. So he's got to hit a ball, and then it's got to go three cushions and hit another ball. But what it really does is, if you learn this game, it teaches you how billiard balls move around a table. So it really helps you play better position for pocket billiards. And it helps you learn how to play safe better and how to kick at balls better.
That's pretty wild that he's hitting that ball, though.
This guy's obviously a wizard. This is really hard to do. So it is really a thinking person's game. The problem that I have with it is I want to see balls go away. I don't want to see them sticking around.
If I make a point, I want you to go bye-bye. I don't want to see you. The fun with me is that guy, Blumdahl, is one of the greatest of all time. World champion. I think I said his name wrong.
Because I've only watched a few matches ever. I'm ADD to the max. I watch like 10 minutes. I'm like, why is the ball still there? This game sucks.
Yeah, the elimination process is the best part of pool, I think.
Exactly. I like watching someone run out. And then making a ball is so like the last ball. If it's a hard shot, I'm like, oh, my God, is he going to make it? Is he going to make it?
There's a lot. And then when it goes away, I'm like, yay. It's satisfying. I don't want to see it bounce around and stick around. But I've seen people play snooker at a very high level.
And it's wild to watch. You watch someone just run out and snooker. And you're just like, Jesus Christ, like you have to be so precise. The table is huge.
Yeah, tiny pockets, little balls.
Yeah, it's crazy. It's a super difficult game. But that's, you know, for whatever reason, that never caught on over here. It's like soccer. For whatever reason, never caught on over here.
Just in pockets, yeah.
Yeah, I don't know why, like some things, never caught. I have a friend of mine, my friend Eddie owns the local soccer professional team out here. And he gave me some insight on that. He goes, they never take a break. He's like, football, baseball, you get commercial breaks.
So commercials get stuffed in. Soccer never stops. It's like they play on the clock, and the clock keeps going. And every match is going to be X amount of minutes long, and that's that. There's no room for commercials.
I was like, oh, that makes sense. Because if you go watch professional soccer live, it's fucking exciting as shit.
Yeah, everybody's freaking out.
And you appreciate the athleticism that you have to have, the cardio that you have to have, to be running back and forth, and back and forth, and sprinting and sideways, and, you know, ducking and dodging and fucking, kicking balls at crazy angles. It's a wild-ass sport.
Yeah, they're very good. I mean, you look at those guys and you go, well, there's not a 10% body fat person on this field.
Not one. No excess fat. They all have like fairly small upper bodies and just jacked legs. And these guys are sprinting constantly. They have no wasted motion.
At the elite levels, like the Lionel Messi level, there's no wasted motion. Those guys are just freak athletes.
My kids both played soccer junior and senior year, and it was great, because I don't know anything about it. And it's the only sport I wouldn't yell at. Because I didn't want people to go, that's fucking wrong, dude. So I just sit there and keep my mouth shut.
Bro, some parents are brutal.
Oh, it's so tough. I watched a guy after a hockey game. This kid just, I mean, he scored probably, I don't know, six goals or something. This little tiny kid. This is 14U.
And this dad, he's yelling at this kid. I'm walking out, and he's right by the locker room. And I go, hey, man. I pulled the guy aside and I go, come on. Kid, what's going on here?
I thought it was a dad. It wasn't the dad. It was the goalie's dad yelling at the kid that scored on him, calling him a fucking fancy pants and all this other shit. And I was like, bro, he's a kid. What are you doing?
Oh, no.
Yeah, but parents go way too over the top.
Oh, no.
Like yelling at an ump is one thing. But yelling at a kid because he scored on your kid, that's ridiculous. Ugh.
I've seen guys get knocked out in front of their screaming moms. Their moms are screaming, kick his ass, kick his ass. This guy fucking sucks. This guy's a pussy. Whack.
Lights out? Yeah, in front of their mom. While their mom's screaming obscenities.
Go to sleep. Hard to swallow. Hard to swallow. Mom, you probably distracted the fuck out of your son, first of all. Imagine hearing your mom screaming all that shit.
You're like, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.
I didn't like my mom yelling, you got him, honey, when I was pitching.
Oh, God.
That kind of shit where you're like, I am working on it.
Don't do this, lady. Yeah. I know this is not for you. This is for me. Okay, you're supposed to clap when things go well.
Yeah. And that's it. Don't be fucking yelling out instructions.
You got him, honey.
Like, you didn't think you had him until your mom yelled it out. Like, oh, I got him? Okay.
Thank you, mother.
No, I got it.
Thank you so much.
Especially people that have never competed in a sport before. You don't know how fucking distracting that is. Yeah. Like, shut your hole, lady.
And she had competed in sports. That's a problem.
So she loved it.
Yeah, that'd be like her being on the beam and I'm like, jump higher.
It's also, I think, people back then, in those days, like when she grew up, they didn't know any better. Like, people didn't know what you're supposed to do and not supposed to do. People hit their kids. Oh, yeah. They all hit their kids.
They all yelled at their kids, called them fucking idiots. Uh-huh. Everybody did that. We were animals, you know? Like, if you grew up and your parents grew up in the 1940s and 50s, you were an animal.
Like, they were animals because they were raised by people who grew up in the Depression, okay? And those people were animals. And those people, their parents, fought in World War. I, okay? Like, these are barbarians.
Yeah. And so it's like so many generations of softness have led us to where we are now. But if you, you know, if you're our parents, you're exposed to all that shit.
Well, my dad, his dad, took off and his mom went into like a mental institution because of it. So he got raised by his grandparents. So that's like a generation back. Oh, God. And so when my mom and dad would discipline me, I was like, why are you doing this?
And you're fucking doing, you're terrifying me.
Oh, boy. Yeah.
It was interesting. Oof.
Jesus Christ. That's a lot. That's a lot to manage. Imagine being the grandparents. Like, fuck.
I know. We thought we were done. Let's do it all over again. We thought we were done. Exactly.
Guy wanted to go play golf.
Fuck. Now I got to take care of another kid. And this one's mad. Yeah. Because they got abandoned.
They have all these issues now. They're confused.
I gave my dad a lot of leeway. A lot. Just because of that. He stole my identity when I was in high school and ruined my credit. No!
Yeah. And I was like, man, I got raised by his fucking grandparents. I don't know.
Oh, no. Yeah. Imagine dad being just like a straight up criminal. Like, dad.
Oh, I don't have to imagine. My dad stole a car. Straight up. criminal? Oh, God, yeah.
Wow. Absolutely. He helped me. He had me help him steal a car.
He stole your identity. What am I thinking? He was only going to do it once? Only to his kid?
Yeah. I got a rental car once because my car was in the shop. He took the keys, made a copy of the keys, and then, when I brought that rental car back, had me drive him there and I didn't know it, he stole the car and then drove to Las Vegas because the cops were looking for him for writing bad checks.
I mean, what the fuck, man? Holy shit, dude. How do you not become a comedian? Yeah, I know. Totally makes sense.
You can't be ticking away at an office job. You're not just typing like,
You'll go crazy. You'll go crazy. Yeah, you'll barely keep it together. Yeah. Fuck, man.
Yeah, pretty wild. I called, when I went to college, I called to get a phone line and they were like, I don't think so. Wow. You owe us thousands of dollars.
Because he had stolen your identity? Oh, my God. Did you try explaining it to them?
My mom had to write a letter to everybody that said that I lived with her the whole time.
Wow.
Yeah.
Holy shit, dude. You couldn't get a phone line. I mean.
My dad, listen to what, he fucking stole another identity. It was a kid that he graduated high school with who died in a motorcycle accident.
Oh, my God.
My dad called his parents and said, Hey, you guys have some benefits coming. I just need his social security number.
Oh, my God.
And then became that dude.
And then signed up. Columbia Record Club. Get all of Jimi Hendrix's greatest hits.
Yeah, it was wild living with him.
Fuck, man. That's crazy.
Holy shit. Wow.
When you were in high school, what did you think you were going to be?
I don't know. Maybe a teacher or a lawyer or something.
And when did the comedy bug get you?
Way early. I mean, I wanted to do comedy forever. I just lived in a town where there wasn't comedy.
Oh, so it was like a thing in the back of your head? Yeah.
I mean, way, way back in the day. I watched my grandpa watch, like listen to records. And just start laughing. And I'm like, I want to do that.
Wow.
Yeah, I remember my first exposure to comedy. Was probably the actual standup comedy was probably Bill Cosby. Or Bill Cosby record. Because my parents had a Bill Cosby record. And they had Cheech and Chong.
And I think they might have had a George Carlin one too. Because everyone had records back then. Because there's nothing on TV. And so you'd sit around, you'd listen to records. You know, so we listened to Cheech and Chong.
When I was a little kid. I was probably like eight or nine or something like that. I was like, this is so funny. And then, when I was in high school, I got ahold of some Richard Pryor cassettes. And me and my girlfriend were in my bedroom.
Just howling, laughing at Richard Pryor. Like, this is so crazy. What he's saying is so crazy. Because this is like, at the time, we're talking, I was in high school in 81.. So this was probably like 83, something like that.
And so in 1983, like Richard Pryor was the king. This was like when he was doing live at the Sunset Strip. Oh, wow. My parents took me to see that. I think I was 15 years old.
And we were in the movie theater. And I'll never forget this. Because this was the first time I'd ever experienced anything like this. I'd never seen someone do stand-up comedy for a long time. I'd only seen like a guy do some jokes on the Tonight Show.
You know, like a real cut and dry set-up punchline. Five minute, alright, that was terrific. Come sit on the couch. And the comic would sit there. And I would tell you about the zoo.
You know, and so that was my exposure to comedy. But in the theater, I remember, I'll never forget this. Sitting in the theater, watching live in the Sunset Strip. And looking at the audience. And people were moving around.
I remember this guy was holding his stomach. And he was slapping the chair. And his wife was slapping him. They were just going, oh, my God. Oh, my God.
It was so funny. And I remember thinking, I've never seen anything this funny. Like all the funny movies that I love. They were never this funny. All this guy's doing is talking.
And to get humans to react like that.
It was crazy. It was so wild. It was like, all he's doing is talking. How is he doing this?
Yeah. I remember the first comedy I ever saw was this guy, Wild Bill Bauer. Out of Minnesota. And I'll never forget this joke. He goes, I called my boss the other day.
And I told him I can't come in because I'm sick. And he says, how sick are you? And I said, well, I'm fucking my sister. And I still laugh about it. I mean, it's like the funniest shit in the world.
That's a great joke.
It's such a great joke. That's a great joke. And that was my introduction. So people, same thing. People are freaking out.
Oh, it was great.
Couldn't that guy string a bunch together? Yeah. How good was he?
Yeah, he was real good.
If you can write a joke like that, unless you're a one-hit wonder.
No, he wasn't.
That seems like a crazy hit. To be that good of a joke, to be a one-hit wonder. So that guy's got a bunch of them. Yeah. Some of those guys that are real good like that, for whatever reason, people never find out about them.
No, he just stayed in Minnesota. He ended up booking tours for other guys and stuff like that.
There was a guy named Bob Woods who was a legend on Long Island. He was this big guy, this big like jolly guy. And he was hilarious. And he was a legend in Long Island. And to this day, I'm upset that I never got a chance to see him live.
Because all the comics from that day, they're always telling me, Bob Woods, Bob Woods. This is like the early 80s. So I think when I came along, I don't think I got to New York until 90.. 90 or 91. And I think he'd already stopped.
This is Bob Woods. He was a character, man. Give me some volume.
Let me introduce myself. Here. I am, Mr. Cholesterol.
The Incredible Bulk.
Hungry Jack.
A man called Horse. Sir Lunch-A-Lot.
Chef Boy, are you fat? Pizza on Earth.
Goodwill towards manicotti.
Rebel Without a Waistline. Strawberry Fields for Breakfast. Lord of the Ringdings. The Earl of Sandwich. The Prince of Wales.
And the Little House on the Prairie. All rolled into one. What can I tell you, folks?
What can I tell you? I'm a fat fucking guy.
Boom, boom. Bring some food to my room so we can eat it all night.
Keep the brioche in sight.
And I woke up this morning. I got myself a ham hock.
Let me clear some things up for you right away. Can we keep going? Yeah, because I hope it's going to get better. No, I wasn't the Riptailer Balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
No, I'm not one of the Moondogs from WrestleMania.
No, I'm not Dusty Rhodes.
No, I'm not going to pay a lot for that muffler.
No, I'm not Boo Powell as a Rastafarian. No, I wasn't making a list and checking it twice last December. No, I haven't buttoned this jacket since I bought it.
No, I'm not Baby Heeled, Star Trek episode. No, I'm not Tip O'Neil as the Michelin Man. No, I'm not Norm from Cheers if it was set in California.
No, it's not a fucking wig, okay? This is my real hair. Really. It's all in the shampoo.
Some people shampoo with Prell. Some people use Head and Shoulders. I just get out the Dippity Doo and the Mop and Glow.
Look, I read minds, alright? Call me Kreskin for this shit.
I'm getting a reading for this girl.
She's thinking if I fall, she's fucking dead.
A lot of fat jokes. He's better than this. This is some things he did on TV. This is him recording a set for television. It looks like...
Was it 88?
? Yeah. That wasn't the best set. He had an insane Jackie Gleason impression. Insane.
He inspired a lot of comedians. A lot of comedians in Long Island. That just wasn't the best set of his.
Yeah, but I mean.
. He's a writer. Holy shit.
Oh, you bang him out, man. But again, the world was different then. You gotta also think... Stand-up comedy... Let's just put it into perspective.
1988 was 36 years ago. 36 years before that, there was no stand-up comedy. Wow. Yeah. So you have to think about it.
So if you went back to 19.
. 1950? Let's go to 50.. What the fuck is there? What's the stand-up comedy?
It's nonsense. It's guys and the cat skills that are telling two Jews walking to a bar jokes. It's not real comedy. And then Lenny Bruce comes along in the 60s. And then everything changes.
Then you get Mort Saul. You get...
Joan Rivers?
Yeah, eventually. They come later. They all come later. And Carlin comes later. And then...
And Pryor comes later. They're all inspired by Lenny Bruce. Lenny Bruce is really like the germ. He was really like the center of it all. From him, all things come.
Like. that guy is the real godfather of comedy. The kind of comedy that we do. We talk about stuff. Right.
Like everybody was just telling jokes. back then. They were just being jokey, joke guy. And then, you know, there's Don Rickles, who was like the insult guys, insulting people. That was always very funny.
But nobody was doing like social commentary. Nobody was like making funny points about things that go on in society until Lenny came around.
Yeah. Working against the machine a little bit. Getting arrested left and right, dude. That's pretty sweet.
Pretty wild. You really think about it? In my office, I have a photograph of him getting arrested.
I mean, I don't think you can get arrested for comedy anymore, right?
Oh, you definitely could try. You can in Canada. Challenge accepted. In Canada, you can get sued. I know.
I had a guy on the podcast that got sued and lost. He got fined because there was a few different things. This guy had made a joke about a kid. who was Mike. what?
Mike Ward. Mike Ward. Thank you. He had made a joke about a kid that they had done some benefit for, a really sick kid, and the kid was still alive a few years later. And, you know, some kind of a joke about, like, can I get my money back?
Is this kid really sick? Like something along those lines. I might have fucked it up. I think I butchered it. But anyway, the point is it was just a joke, and they sued him, and they won.
Like. he got charged, and he lost. Who sued him?
The parents?
I think they fined him. I think it was one of those things where, see, let's find out what the specifics of it are. Because there was another one in, I believe, Vancouver, where a comedian was getting heckled by these lesbians, and he starts making fun of them for being lesbians, saying a bunch of really rude things, and that guy got fined, too. Like a large number. Interesting.
Yeah. Canada does not have freedom of speech. It's not the same as the United States. It doesn't have a First Amendment. They have hate crime laws.
So they have weird stuff. This is why Jordan Peterson, way back in 2016,, was telling them, like, you cannot have compelled speech laws.
Canadians who mock disabled child singer did not breach limits of free speech. That's not Mike Ward, though. Case pitted, Quebec comedian Mike Ward against former child singer. Oh, that must be the child singer, that's sick.
Did not breach limits of free speech. So it went to the Supreme Court. So this is 2021.. When did we have him on? It was definitely way before that, because it wasn't in Texas.
So he must have finally won under a 5-4 split decision. Wow. Four people said, fuck him. Fuck your joke. The top court ruled Friday that, while comedian Mike Ward's act ridiculed Jeremy Gabriel, a young man with Treacher Collins Syndrome, he was chosen as a target not because of his disability, but because of his fame, which is true.
In its ruling, the court found that Ward's jokes did not seek to incite others to mock Gabriel, and he cannot be blamed for the actions of Gabriel's classmates and others who parodied the jokes. See, folks, this is what happens when you try to be too nice. You can't be too nice. You can't go that far. You've got to let people say things that are offensive.
If you don't, then the only way to enforce that is totalitarianism. You start locking people in jail. I know you want people to be a better person. They should be encouraged to be better people, but you can't do that. You can't fucking force people to say things or not say things.
I think he came on after this happened in 2016.
Right. 35,000?? He's ordered to pay 35,000 in moral and punitive damages. But that's not as much as the guy in Vancouver. The guy in Vancouver, I think, if memory serves me, I think it was a lot more money.
The guy in Vancouver, there was two lesbians heckling him at a show.
It says $22,500 for that one.
Okay, I might have thought it was $225,000 or something. Either way. Fuck you. Yeah, fuck you.
I was in Calgary one time. I was talking about the Queen.
Oh.
And then the emcee came up, and he goes, Fuck these Americans. They come here. They think we have a Queen. Learn about the country you're coming to. And I was like, Oh, shit.
I thought you had a Queen. So I went to the public library, did all this research, and there is a Queen because there was a treaty. And so she acts as the Queen. So the next day I went up, and he came up to bring me off stage, and I go, Hey, man, just stay here for a sec. And I read the treaty, and I go, Just so.
you know, I'm an American, but you do have a Queen. And then I took a $20 bill out and licked it and stuck it to his forehead. And I go, She's on your fucking money, man.
I'm just like, What a dick. That's hilarious. Well, some comedians are dicks.
And no lawsuit.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
Well, you were right. How are they going to sue you for being right? Fucking idiots. But it's like that thing of you. try to set up society where you prevent people from being mean.
But the problem is people are going to be mean. And the only way to prevent people from being mean is to really ostracize people who are mean and then have everybody else learn from that and learn from the way you talk about these people that are mean. And then we all kind of grow together. You can't have laws that enforce your opinion of what someone can or cannot be allowed to say, because then you never get that guy's joke. Your friend, that's sick, because I'm fucking my sister.
You don't get that. You don't get that joke because that's illegal. So then you don't get funsies, because that's just funsies. You didn't really fuck anybody. It's a joke.
Bob Marley didn't shoot any sheriffs. It's just fun. It's a fun thing to say. Yeah.
When I was in seventh grade, if you talked in the history class, they made you take a pacifier and sit there like you were a baby. Oh, that's hilarious. Because they were like, I told you to shut up. Now you have to suck on this pacifier. And there's no fucking way you'd be able to do that now.
But guess what? Everybody shut up that had the pacifier.
I got paddled. I got paddled in Florida. I got in a fight with this kid, Preston Banks. Me and this kid, we got in a scrap. And we both got brought to the principal's office and we got paddled.
Well, they whacked me in the ass with a fucking cricket racket. It was like this fucking thing. They slap you one shot in the ass. And then they send you home. You're like, whoa, I got hit.
You can't do that today.
Oh, there's no chance.
By the way, we never fought again. And we became friends after that.
That's what I'm saying. Again, it's like these kids now can take a chair from the back of the room, throw it at the teacher when he's not looking, and that teacher just has to sit there and take it.
Well, yeah, especially when you get into high school. Things get very, very dangerous. Very, very, very dangerous. Because people are starting to get strong and they're aggressive. And these men, these young men, have testosterone for the first time in their life.
So all of a sudden, you're 13 and then, boom, the factory opens. And you're like, yahoo, and you start growing. You got a mustache now. Now you're 14 and 15.. And then you got this fucking loser teacher.
This teacher's talking shit, and you want to fuck this teacher up. And you know, if you do, you'll be a hero for the rest of the class. You'll be a legend for all your boys. This teacher's talking shit, and you just grab his tie and box him in the face. Guys hit teachers.
There's so many videos of people.
Oh, all the time.
So many online videos of poor teachers getting beaten up by their students.
And it's always the guys that fucked first that would take the lead on that. I always felt it was those guys. It was like the rest of us waiting to have sex. We were just sitting in our chairs, not ready to fight.
Especially the teacher. Or women that beat the teachers up. Those are horrible. Horrible, because those are slow beatings. Not much gets done.
It's like a lot of hair pulling.
It's like watching a tall guy fall.
Shitty punches to the face and you're just trapped there. And nobody's helping you and everyone's screaming and cheering.
Oh, that's great.
They're all filming it. And then we wonder, why does nobody want to be a teacher? Why does the education system suck? Why? Why, why, why?
Because the whole thing sucks. You couldn't even just fix the schools. You've got to start from a foundational level. in the bad neighborhood. You have to somehow or another help people get the fuck out of this place of total, complete despair.
And the fact that these places of total, complete despair have existed in the same location for decade after decade after decade. And you want these kids to do better? How?
How? All they've done is see it repeated over and over.
Think about your dad. How did that happen? That didn't happen.
I choose not to think about my dad, Joe.
Thank you. But if you were your dad's dad, that would have never happened. Right. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.
We have the good fortune of understanding the mistakes of those who came before us. And even like, I mean, even thinking about, we can't even put our mind in what it must be like to be a kid that grows up in the south side of Chicago in 2024.. No way. We're seeing people shot every weekend. You can't put yourself into that.
So to expect that child to come out of that environment and then go to Yale and be fine with everything, be fine when he's heard bullets whizz by his head. He's seen his friends get shot in the street. He's seen drive-bys. He's seen all that. He's seen drug dealers rapping in the streets, holding guns and smoking weed in front of everybody and street takeovers.
You've seen that from the time you were a child? How? How are you going to escape that?
Because even if you do escape it, sometimes some part of you misses it and thinks now you're not being normal. Right. It's like when guys come back from the Middle East. Right. They're like, I want to go back there.
It's like, why the fuck would you want to go back there? But it's because that's their new normal. That's what they miss it.
It's not just that. It's also alive. It's alive. Like if you're gangbanging like that, you're alive. There's a lot going on.
Sure. You know, you go from that to working in and out.
Yeah. What is this?
I'd rather be in jail. You know, guys would rather get shot. They really would. And some places and some people, they would rather be living the life, because at least that life, there's, one of the things that comes out of gangs and bad neighborhoods is a brotherhood and a camaraderie that doesn't exist in their home. Right.
So they don't have any real love in the home, but the love they have with the people that they would literally kill people for. And they're all together and they make money together and they're partying together. They're having a good time together, driving cars together. This is way better than whatever they grew up with.
It's like band of brothers shit. Yeah.
It's exciting. They're literally in a war, but they're in a war in an American city, which is crazy. But I mean, if you look at the death toll of people killed in Afghanistan during the height of the war, it's comparable to the people killed in Southside, Chicago. I would imagine the people in the Southside, Chicago, more people get killed. I think what happens in war, of course, is depending upon the war, of course, but sometimes there's large amounts of debt, like in Gaza, if you can call it a war, like, there's a large amount of deaths and large amounts in one day.
Right. Which in gang violence, you get it over the weekend. You know, this guy got shot. That guy got shot. It's cumulative.
But I bet it's close. And I believe it's higher. I believe the death toll for the Southside, Chicago is as high or higher than Afghanistan at the height of the war.
That's wild. Wild. And then, if somebody dies in Mexico, there's a tourism alert. Oh, yeah. Where you're not supposed to go.
I've seen some videos. There was a dude who used to be a doorman at the Improv, and one day I was just walking in the club. I'm like, what's up? He goes, you want to see this cartel video? I go, what is it?
And it was a dude who was tied up, tied up in his arms and his legs in all positions, and a pit bull was eating his dick. I was like, yo, I do not need to see this before I go on. stage. Like, this is horrific. This huge pit bull was just clamped down this guy's dick, and he's just writhing back and forth in agony while this dog eats him.
alive. Jesus Christ.
Great peanut butter commercial.
I don't think they use peanut butter. I don't think they have to. These dogs are literally trained to eat people, which is fucking terrifying. Is there a place that shows statistics about gang violence?
I need to know more about. what deaths are you talking about in Afghanistan?
Okay, let's say this.
It's like everyone, it's a lot. They way outnumber the Chicago deaths.
The weekends are all total?
2023, there was 621 deaths in Chicago.
And 2021, I see for Afghanistan, 5,200 civilians were killed.
But is that when we pulled out?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's different.
8,800 were killed the year before, 8,600 the year before that.
Oh, okay. So it's always more. It's always more. for Afghanistan. The year we pulled out was horrific.
Soldiers, though, if you just do Western soldiers, it's a very similar number.
I think that's what it was. Okay, so it's people in Afghanistan that are killed.
Western soldiers.
All total. So Western soldiers, it's comparable. That must be what it was.
But still, even thinking about an American city, not even an American city, the south side of an American city.
A major metropolitan city.
This is a fucking war-torn country.
Right. It's a country that, I mean, it's a city, rather, that Frank Sinatra wrote a song about. It was his kind of town.
Right? My kind of town, Chicago. Have you heard AI? convert Frank Sinatra into Eminem? So Frank Sinatra is singing Lose Yourself?
Oh, my God.
It's perfect.
Does it sound amazing?
It's amazing. Yeah. It's amazing. Have you heard it, Jamie? Yeah.
You don't think it's amazing? Look at his face.
I'm super cynical on all the AI stuff.
Look at his face.
Yeah, he rolled his eyes.
It sounds cool, but when would you ever want to, are you going to choose to listen to that any day?
Ever? I'll just do it on a loop in my house.
I know.
All day long today.
It's a cool experiment often, but it's never really good.
No, you're right. It's interesting, though. Yeah. To me, it's fascinating how competent it is. Here it is.
Listen. Listen, how good this is.
I hope this is the right one.
This is actually not what we thought that was.
What do you mean?
That was a cover by someone singing.
Who is that?
It says the guy's name right here.
Oh, it's not AI?
No, that was like a lounge singer. Yeah.
Oh, he's great. Keep him going. Who is this guy?
Is it that guy that covers all of the songs?
Well, so that's Richard Cheese.
Yeah. That's who I was thinking.
Do we have a problem here with sound stuff? YouTube shit? Is that what? this is? That.
We can't play that?
That?
Well, let's cut that out, just so we don't get in trouble. And just say who the guy is. We'll cut that out. We'll edit that out so we don't get in trouble. Who's the guy?
I don't know that we would. That's a guy. I don't even know the rules.
They always fuck us, man. They fuck us.
When we were playing a song, and they come after us.
Oh, yeah. You can play like two sets. What is his name?
Ben Dunhill is the lounge singer's name.
Damn, that's good. I saw a YouTube reel or an Instagram reel.
So there is. I just chose the wrong one.
Oh, well, that one was really good. Okay, this is the thing that I saw.
That's the same thing.
Same guy. Okay, so it's not. They got tricked. Damn, Ben. You're so good.
Let me hear this.
So what Chad brought up, though, is this guy from early Napster days. Richard Cheese in the Lounge Against the Machine. That guy went super viral.
Yeah, I remember that guy.
He was doing these lounge versions of Lounge Against the Machine.
Right, right, right.
Prodigy and all sorts of fun.
The thing about that guy is, though, he sounded exactly like Sinatra.
Yeah. This Ben Dunhill guy? Yeah, yeah.
I mean, that sounded like an AI Sinatra. That's why it tricked that guy on the video that I saw. Wow. How good is that, dude? Thank you for catching that.
There's a lot of people online that are willing to repost anything and just say, this is what this is. It's just they get so much money for engagement farming.
Yeah, I was reading something about that. Someone was talking about how they make money on Instagram and that they're making thousands of dollars a month on Instagram with engagement, and that's why they post so much. Someone said, why do you post so much? He's like, I make money. This is like a business for me.
And I'm like, what? How much money can you make on Instagram?
Also, if you'd be doing TikTok and YouTube, too, you'd be making thousands of dollars for about an hour of work a day.
Yeah, why would you rather regular work?
Yeah, no shit. I have people that will go through one of my albums, and then they'll actually make it into a sketch where they play all of the parts, me, my children, whatever it is that I'm talking about. And then they put that out and tag me in it, and it's like, they make money off of it.
That's wild.
And then I try to post something and they say there's a copyright infringement. It's like, that's fucking mine.
Yeah, the legalese shit, it all gets real weird.
I get it. But there's a lot of people making money off of other people's stuff, too. So I get that, why that would piss you off. Someone's taking your stuff.
I saw a discussion today, I think Marques Brownlee was bringing it up, that he pays a company to transcribe his videos for YouTube, upload his transcription so people can look at it in closed captioning and whatnot. There are now companies that exist that can rip that transcription off of YouTube. I'm not sure exactly how. And then they're uploading that as blog posts. And then they make ad revenue off of a blog post.
Well, there's so many blog posts that are clearly either made by AI or by foreign people that don't totally understand English, because the way they phrase things is goofy, and they do celebrity news. Sometimes you get suckered into clicking on a link. You read a legitimate story and then underneath it is a sponsored link. Why is John Travolta homeless? What?
John Travolta's homeless?
You got me. You got me. And then you get sucked in. Like the ten people that have aged the worst over the last 20 years, like, oh, no, what's going on here? What is happening here?
People who lie about plastic surgery, and you go, oh, my goodness, you're a fucking liar. And then you get sucked in, and it's like next, next, next, next. So each one you click, they get a new click. It's not all on one page. It's in multiple pages, so there's multiple hits.
And then they're getting the ad revenue off of that. We had a guy back in the day that went to jail because he rigged something, so that every time you went to his website, if you afterwards bought something from Amazon, it would credit his account. Like you went through his website, his website link, to get Amazon.
So he'd get like a percentage?
Yeah, so he put like a cookie in your computer or something. I don't know exactly how. I don't want to say how it went. But this guy went to jail because he was making money that really wasn't his money. So instead of someone saying, hey, I don't know if they still do this, but the way it used to do it, they would say, hey, if you want to support this podcast, use our Amazon link on our website, and we get a cutback from Amazon every time you use it.
And so they would do it as a way to support, and then it would also, it would probably facilitate some impulse purchases that maybe you would never make before. Oh, this guy's got a great podcast. I'm going to help him out by going to Amazon. Oh, I can use socks. And then you start buying things off Amazon.
It's so easy. And then, you know, so this guy would do that. If you would go to that Amazon link, even if you didn't buy anything, it would put like a cookie in your computer. So next time you went to Amazon. Oh, shit.
You're saying like, oh, he went through my website.
Well, they do that now with like, if they go to my website or they go to your videos, stuff like that, and then they can send ads out to people that have similar click patterns. Like all that shit. Wow. That just blows my mind.
Yeah. I was reading a thing today. They were saying don't have an Amazon Alexa in your bedroom. Whoa. Talking dirty to each other.
Amazon Alexa. Listening.
You're trying to watch porn. You're just listening to yourself.
It's the only way it works. It has to listen. Yeah.
Do you use one of those?
No. No.
No way.
Dude. I always assume my phone's listening to me too. Always. And now I know it is. For sure.
At least with.
I think that's. We don't know that when you buy that, like you've already agreed to, like. Right. Having a microphone around you all the time.
Yeah. And you don't think about it. You just think, oh, what a convenience. Yeah. I just ask Alexa, and she'll play music for me.
And Alexa will turn the lights down. Alexa will do all these things. What a great thing to have.
Sometimes I'll just yell, Alexa, make my daughter stop talking to me. And she's like, we have an Alexa now? And I was like, no, just please. Take the hint.
Well, if you talk shit to Siri, Siri gets upset. Like if you ask, like you get rude with Siri. Siri will go, there's no reason to talk like that.
Why are you talking to me? And that's Siri.
Siri has, like. We're, you know, maybe a month away from that being implemented completely on your iPhone, right? Isn't the new iPhone 18, iOS 18, doesn't that have like a much more advanced Siri that'll have conversations with you?
We'll find out when we get to use it. That's for sure.
Well, you could use it right now, right? Can't use the beta if you wanted to. You want to get crazy?
I would not assume that it'll work perfectly, but it might.
I bet by the time they're letting people try the beta, it's probably pretty good. I think Marcus Brownlee just released a video where he was examining iOS 18, the pros and cons of it, the things that it can do. It can make text messages with a satellite now. So if you're in a place that has no service, you can send out a text message via satellite. Not just an SOS, but like you could send a specific text to people.
It can also make people very lonely because you're going to be talking to this robot.
Yeah, that's going to be weird. It's like the movie Her. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's 100% going to happen. By the way, Scarlett Johansson, she sued – which one was it?
ChatGPG?
Yeah.
Or was it Gemini?
I don't know if she actually went through with it, but yeah, she was OpenAI, the company.
Okay, so they were asking her if they could use her voice, and she said no. And they used a voice that's exactly like her voice. Not exactly. Pretty close. Close enough.
Close enough where she decided she was going to sue.
Is it her shit from other clips?
Well, it's her from – no. It's another person. Okay. But her contention is they got a person to sound like her, which people have sued for before, right? Like, didn't Kim Kardashian sue because they had a Kim Kardashian lookalike?
did a commercial when Kim wouldn't do it?
Oh, interesting.
Yeah. So if, like, you, won't do something, they can get someone who looks super similar to you to do it, and then they'll go, fuck you, I'm suing you.
People were sending me a car commercial for a while that I had to listen to it twice, because I thought it was me. Oh, wow. And they didn't even ask me the first time.
Oh, wow.
I mean, they just like – no, no, no. I mean, they weren't trying to use my voice at all.
But they used someone who sounded so much like you.
It was crazy. A lot of people thought, like, hey, man, congrats on that commercial. And I was like, what's that now?
Yeah, the Scarlett Johansson thing, we played it. Now that I'm thinking about it, when we played it here, it was different because she was the voice of her, right? So she was the voice that Joaquin Phoenix falls in love with. But the clip that we played, it was her, like, bedtime talking, you know, like he was laying in bed. And I think she had, like, more of a raspy, time to go to sleep voice.
Whereas in, you know, the regular chat GPT implementation is like Scarlett at the office.
Okay.
And there's a movie where she becomes a god.
What's it called? Do you remember?
Lucy. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I have seen that.
Wild fucking movie, man. That's a fun movie, man.
She is one of those actresses where, if I see her on the picture of the movie, I'll watch it.
She's compelling. Yeah. She was great in this movie, Under the Skin. It was an indie sci-fi film. And she played an alien.
Okay. She played this alien that seduced men and, like, drowned them in another dimension. It's very hard to describe exactly how it did. But she was naked, walking to them, and they were just slowly drowning. It was a crazy movie.
Like, a really weird movie. But she's an alien. She comes from another planet, and she's really hot. And she, like, seduces these men.
Under the Skin.
Yeah.
I will be.
It's a crazy movie. I will be watching that. So I don't know if the alien did that to her, and then it became her. I don't remember how it worked. Or she just assumed that.
It was really good, though. Very original. Like, original movie. Like, you watch, like, ooh. But, again, hot.
Like, ruin your life, hot. Like, change your plans, move to another state, hot. You know, there's certain women that they lock eyes with you. You're in real trouble.
Oh, man, that happened to me. I got her to move to Minnesota. Oh. That was pretty sick.
That is pretty sick.
And she's still there.
Congratulations.
Thanks. Thank you.
Yeah, sometimes it works. You never know. But the thing is, like, if she's an alien, and she really just wants to drown you in another dimension.
I'd fucking let her.
You might have to. Yeah. You might. I mean, what, are you going to live forever? No.
You're not.
You're sure not.
At least you go out in a very unconventional and pretty amazing way. People are going to be talking about that forever, if they know. Yeah. If they ever find out about it.
Vultures can't find me. I'm way under an interdimensional water system.
What do you think is going on with all this UFO talk? Do you think it's all nonsense?
I don't even know about it.
You don't pay attention at all?
Not really. Wow. Because if they want to come, get me, let's go.
But, like, when you see all this, like, disclosure, talk on television, and they're talking to Congress, and you don't pay attention to any of that shit? Not really.
Good for you. I wait until the end. Good for you. Right. Because it's like, I tell my kids all the time, don't borrow worry from around the bend.
Right? It's like, if you're going to have to worry about it, you're going to have to fucking worry about it.
Yeah, I'm not necessarily worried about the alien thing. I'm more interested. Sure. I'm like, what is this? What the fuck is going on?
You know? What? How much of this is nonsense? It's not 0%. So, okay.
What? How much of it is real?
So you do think that people are coming down? Or other?
I think it's highly likely that the universe is way stranger than we think it is. Way stranger. And I don't even know if it's as conventional as a thing gets in a ship and flies here from another place. Sure. I think it might be interdimensional traveling.
It might be something that's always been here. There's that thought because there's so many instances of things like what we think of that are in, like the Bhagavad Gita and these ancient texts that are thousands and thousands of years old. And they're talking about things that fly in the sky, flying chariots, flying things that have gods in them. What is that? What's that all about?
Comets? Shooting stars?
Could be. For sure, some of them probably, right? Some of these things that people see streaking across the sky, they see something extraordinary. It lights up the sky. And then mythology gets attached to that.
Right? And then people, 10 years from now, tell that story. And then other people tell the story that's told to them by the people that were there. And then that gets a little twisted up like a game of telephone. There's some of that too.
But then there's also uniformity. There's uniformity to the descriptions of the movements of the ships and what these things do and why they're interested in us and what they say. It gets very weird. It gets very weird to the point it's like, okay, if this is a mass illusion, if this is a creation of the mind, like Carl Jung thought it was a creation of the mind. He thought it was some sort of an illusion that people conjure up in their mind.
But it's just like a common illusion. It's just like it's there in the human psyche.
Yeah.
But then there's also, like physical evidence of these things. The physical evidence is, when things get real, weird. Because they're like, if you're telling the truth, then this isn't totally an illusion. Or maybe it's all those things. Maybe it's total bullshit, lies, people with myths that make up myths about comets and natural disasters and all kinds of other stuff.
And also interdimensional beings. Occasionally. Occasionally. And then also things that have always been here. Occasionally.
And then also things from another planet. Occasionally. Yeah. I mean, all things are, it's not binary, right? It's not either UFOs or bullshit, or, you know, they're real.
100%. It's like, it might be all those things. Everything combined.
That's what I think a lot of people struggle with. is it can be yes and yes. Yeah. It doesn't have to be yes and no. Yeah.
There could be a lot of things going on simultaneously. And we can't be, we're concentrating on one. Some of them, I 100% am convinced, are government drones that work on some incredibly sophisticated propulsion system. That probably doesn't have a person in it, but they probably can move at fantastic speeds using some new novel propulsion system that they don't want to release to the public. And they probably don't know how to weaponize it yet.
So they're probably flying these things around at insane rates of speed. They just can't put guns on them. yet. You know, they can't figure out how to shoot people with them. So they just, they're just fucking with them.
And then I think that's the reason why they keep getting cited over these military spaces. I think they try them out on the troops. Just like they try out vaccines in the troops. Just like they try out burn pits. You know, they didn't test burn pits to make sure that people weren't going to get sick if they're just breathing in toxic fumes from all the garbage from thousands of troops.
No, they just did it. You know, and I think they probably do the same thing with everything. They just try shit out.
Yeah, I also wonder if you hear something, if it makes you think it. Like when I watched Blair Witch Project. Oh yeah. I went into, it was dark when I got home. It was light when I left and dark when I got home.
And I sprinted. And all of a sudden you think you're seeing fucking people in the corner turned around and you go, well, that can't be right.
Right, yeah.
So once it's in your head, maybe you keep seeing it.
Definitely. Sure. Yeah, things in the woods, things you see in the woods. That's probably what Bigfoot is. Gets in your head.
I would think, yeah.
You go looking for that fucking giant hairy man.
You see a tree kind of bend with the wind and you're like, what the fuck was that?
Yeah. The thing about Bigfoot that's really interesting, though, is that Native Americans have a bunch of different names for them. There's a lot of names for them. And they don't really have a lot of fake animals. It's not a common trait in North American culture to, in any Native American culture, rather, to worship a bunch of different things or to talk about a bunch of different things that aren't real.
Mostly, they were talking about real things, and then spirits. They would talk about the different spirits of the sky and spirits of the sun and nature. They're essentially talking about Mother Earth and God and Gaia and nature. But they didn't have fake animals. They did have Bigfoot.
There's a lot of Bigfoot that makes you go, I think at one point in time it was real. I think at one point in time.
You think there were a bunch of them?
Yeah. Well, they know there was a real thing, right? They know there's a thing called Gigantopithecus. And Gigantopithecus existed alongside human beings. For sure.
100%. And it was a bipedal hominid that was between 8 and 10 feet tall. And it was in the orangutan genus. And this thing was discovered in the 1920s or 1930s in an apothecary shop in China. An anthropologist was there and he found these massive primate teeth.
And he instantly knew that they didn't belong to a gorilla. They didn't belong to any known primate. And he's like, where did you get these? And so they took them to the site and they started digging. They found jaw bones that indicated that it was bipedal.
Something about the position of the jaw. that indicated this thing stood up on two legs. By the size of it. And then they found some other bones. I think they have a very incomplete skeleton of these things.
But they know that it was a real animal. And they know that it existed as recently as I believe it was, 100,000 years ago. For sure. But it could be way more current. There's just no bones available.
So then you think that thing was real. Stories got passed on and people started seeing it.
Yeah. Probably.
I could get behind that.
Also, where it existed, makes sense. Because if you think about the sightings. The sightings are all in the Pacific Northwest. The Pacific Northwest, if you follow that up past Alaska, which also has a lot of sightings. Then you go across the Bering Land Bridge.
And Asia was where this thing existed. It kind of makes sense. And then the more they find out about people in North America. They used to think that all people came across the Bering Land Bridge. They don't think that anymore.
There's so much evidence of people that were here 25,000 years ago. There's footprints in the ground, like in mud, that they've now carbon, dated to more than 20,000 plus years old. And so that's just what we have. That's just a footprint that we got lucky and got from 20,000 years ago. Who's to say that there's not people that were here 50,000 years ago, 100,000 years ago.
So now you've got Bigfoot's real. Because if those people really were alive. And while those people were alive. So if you go back, just go back 20,000.. If you go back 20,000 years ago, you're dealing with North American lions.
Which were the biggest lions on earth. Bigger than African lions. You have saber-toothed tigers. You have giant sloths. You have all these enormous animals that don't exist here anymore.
And this was all in North America alongside people. It just kind of makes sense that you would have a Bigfoot. You'd have a Gigantopithecus. At least a few of them. Especially up there.
Up there, where it's thickly dense forest. Seems like if you're a big fucking plant-eating shithead. That's where you would live. You would live there. It just totally makes sense that they probably existed.
Just like all these other things. They don't find a whole lot. Unless they're in the tar pits. They don't find a whole lot of, like saber-toothed tigers. They don't find a whole lot of things that existed before 25,000, 35,000 years ago.
Except dinosaurs, of course. So who knows?
Oh man, I would love if the afterlife. You were just there for an hour. Hooked you up to a fucking cord. Put everything that happened in there, so you know. Right.
And then that's out. Lights out.
What would you do? If you had a chance to get that cord hooked in. And see an hour of any point in the history of the earth. What would you go to?
Oh well, I was saying all of it within an hour.
Just to get the download.
Yeah, like when Keanu Reeves knows kung fu and shit.
Yeah, that would be fun. But if you could go and see one point in history. In the history of earth. Where would you go?
I think I'd probably.
Oh, that's a great question.
I mean, this is going to be lame. But I'd like to. World War II.
That's not lame at all.
I'd like to see. I'd like to see the genesis of it all. And then throughout. And all the hidden conversations that were taking place.
You remember the opening scene in Saving Private Ryan?
Oh, my god, yeah.
That was the first opening scene. That was the first scene of a war. that made me think. This is probably what it was like back then for those guys.
Yeah, I didn't say one word. I went to a matinee. And I didn't say another word until I woke up the next day.
Bro, it was so heavy. Brutal. It was so brutal and so graphic and so intense.
When that fucking guy doesn't kill the German, at the end. I mean, furious. Yeah. Like breathing with my shoulders.
Crazy fucking movie, man. And only a tiny fraction of how crazy it really was. I'm sure. Yeah, for sure. The existence of like being there.
And seeing it happen. And being a part of it. Fuck, man.
And then they had to come back? And they had to actually live lives?
Yeah. And no coaching, right? You just come back what they call shell shock. back then. I don't even want to see this, dude.
Yeah, this is wild. I don't want to see this.
Speaking of which. How about that president? How about that Trump fellow?
How crazy is this? If there's ever been a real indication that we're in a simulation. It's like this season of USA. Yeah. Is the craziest season that's ever existed.
There's so many twists and turns. So many plots. Yeah. So many villains. So many incompetent bumbling fools.
That you're like. there's no way that lady's a heartbeat away from the president. There's no way. There's no way someone is not telling her to stop saying that same thing over and over again. What can be unburdened by what has been?
Like? he just says it over and over and over again. This isn't real. This is writing. Someone wrote this.
It seems like a script.
When a president that is giving a speech gets shot in the ear. And then stands up and goes full? John Bender at the end of Breakfast Club. Bro.
He pumps his fist in the air.
That was a crazy issue.
And says fight, fight, fight. And when the fucking guy who's a photographer is a wizard. That guy who got that photograph. Find out his name. Because this guy's an award winning photographer.
With the flag above it.
Yes. And the angle that he got it. Like, where he was standing when he took the photo. It's one of the most iconic photos of all time.
He had a GoPro on while he was doing it.
Wow.
You can watch him move in position. Take it.
Wow. That's nuts, man. That's nuts. So you can see as the bullets start flying. This fucking dude doesn't even duck.
He's still got his camera out. He's right behind Trump and he's just got his camera out. That is so, gangster. I mean you want to talk about getting a shot. no matter what.
He's running around. There could be bullets flying his way.
I would think you're holding up something black in your hand. That's pointed at the president. You fucking should get shot.
I mean the Trump story is right out of a movie. And I'm hoping it's not a Stephen King movie.
It came out while we've been recording.
Secret Service ramped up security after receiving intel of Iranian plot to assassinate Trump. No known connection to shooting. Oh, they ramped that up, and so they ignored the roof 150 yards away. Yeah.
There's so many things where you just go what the fuck.
What the fuck dude. All of it. All of it. And there's so much of it that seems fake. Like the female Secret Service agent that can't holster her weapon.
Have you seen this? She's moving around all erratically and she tries to holster her weapon. She can't get it in there. She can't figure out how to put it in there. And she stops for a minute and she tries back to do it again.
It looks so fake.
Is she an actress?
No. It looks like an actress, though. It looks like if you were going to have a bumbling person in a movie. Almost like a comedy of errors or a Coen Brothers movie about an assassination attempt on a president. You have this lady.
Watch what her gun. Look. She gets her gun out. She tried to put it in there. She couldn't do it.
And she's thinking about putting it back in there. She finally gets it in there. Like the whole thing. It's like look at her. Look at her fumbling around.
The whole thing is crazy. The erratic movements. No one knows exactly what to do. It seems fake.
That's an audition I could nail.
Yeah. It seems like. Okay, now you're panicking. You don't know what the fuck is going on. You really shouldn't be here.
Go. You're like. Where do I put my gun? You want Secret Service, cool, calm, collected. You know, high, ready with the gun.
Scanning the area. Looking left and right. You want them like swift, decisive movements. You don't want to see any of this fucking squirrely. Trying to put the gun back in.
It seems fake.
When you see the Reagan shot. It is just a bunch of people moving as one.
They dive on him. Yeah. Bang. Dive on him. This seemed.
It almost seems like, as this simulation gets further and further along. It gets more and more insane.
Yeah. Look at this.
Yeah. They dive. Immediately. They dive on the guy. They got him.
Immediately. They get his gun. Immediately.
And Reagan survives. Yeah. Which is also crazy. The Trump one is just so nuts too. Like if he turns his head at the last second.
And the bullet grazes his ears. If he didn't. It hits the back of his head. And he's dead. And then we fall into chaos.
And who knows what the fuck happens. Big chaos. And then people think that the Biden administration had Trump killed. And then there's these questions. Like how the fuck does this 20 year old kid.
Climb on that roof. 150 yards away. And no one sees him.
Well, that one guy was pointing at him the whole time. Yes. He's like pointing to something. He's like right there.
And they're yelling. he's got a gun. There's a guy in the prone position on a roof, 150 yards away. From the former president. The whole thing's nuts.
The whole thing stinks. Of either incompetence.
Or design. Or we're in the matrix. Like this is a fucking fake movie. It seems like almost to watch. This the most bombastic.
And manly of presidents. You know. For lack of a better term. To see him with these two female bumbling secret service agents. Especially the one.
To see that. To see everything happen the way it is. To see that they knew this guy was on the roof. To hear that that guy had pointed his rifle before that at a cop. So the cop engaged him.
He pointed the rifle and the cop ran away. The guy climbed the roof with a ladder. You can see the ladder. The whole thing is bananas. He's 20 years old.
And then you find out he was in a Black Rock commercial. You're like is this the Black Mirror? Like, tell me what's going on. Is this real? Is this real?
And then Trump goes golfing with a bandage on his ear the next day.
And then the putt. when he made the putt.
Jesus Christ. Did you hear his quote? No.
He said that's the difference between me and the shooter. I don't miss.
This isn't a real person.
And then you have people flooding from the left being like am I right?
Yeah.
That's a good quote. I'll do this.
There's people that are like okay, he won. Like they've just given in. They're not even going to try to run anybody other than Biden. now. They were trying to get Biden out.
And now I think they've abandoned that.
I wonder if they're doing the old. like you know, train the boxer as a southpaw.
I read that golf story too. This is not the first time. There's a lot of golf accounts that put out fake shit.
Jamie, stop ruining our dreams.
You son of a bitch. That was not seemingly real.
Jamie plays a lot of golf and he gets very touchy when it comes to golf. And he calls bullshit. That's fair.
It just came from a Reddit post that people screenshotted. There was no pictures, no, nothing else.
Oh, well, touche, young troll. Touche. You got your fucking story mentioned on the podcast. That's me. You sons of bitches.
You can get me very easily.
I did read that too. The whole thing is so wild. There's video of the kid in the Black Rock commercial. And you're like what? And there's the video of a kid like they're saying he's getting bullied in high school.
But it doesn't seem like he's being bullied. It seems like everyone is having fun because he's talking about how he has a 10-inch penis. And they're just filming each other. It looks like they're having fun. And you're looking like how is it?
Two years later, this guy tries to kill Trump? Like what happened? And then you find out he was a registered Republican? Like what?
You know, high school. Those 10-inch dick guys always getting bullied.
Always getting bullied. He was saying it funny. It was like he's trying to be funny. You know? Say I got a 10-inch penis.
I mean he wasn't saying like I definitely have a 10-inch dick. It didn't seem like he was being bullied. I mean, obviously I saw one clip. Who knows what the fuck the full context of it is. Right.
20?
? 20 years old? And he's got this idea and he pulls it off? He actually gets a shot off and nicks him? And then they kill him?
Like you're seeing this 20-year-old kid. His life is over. Like somehow or another, he talked himself into trying to assassinate the president, as a lone gunman in Pennsylvania. Got on top of a roof. Either through sheer incompetence or for some other reason.
He actually gets a shot off. And the president just moves his head at the right time. Like the whole thing is. if it was in a movie, I'd be like shut the fuck up.
That'll make you believe in God. That's like God's up there when he's going like. I don't want to talk to this guy, yet. He's a lot. I don't want him out here, yet.
I'm the greatest angel.
Or maybe he wants him here to expose how crazy our political system really is. Because the only way we find out how coordinated everything is, whether you're a Trump fan or not. Even if you hate Trump. Put that aside for a second. And just look at how much coordination there is in the media to go after him.
And it exposes like this thing where you have to step back and go, wait a minute. Hold on a second.
What's really going on? Whether you hate that guy or not. Hate him. Hate him. Think he's a crook.
Hate him. Think he's a liar. Hate him. Don't you think it's weird that they're all in lockstep with the way they talk about him. Even with things that aren't true.
Like especially the Russia collusion hoax that they all talked about for years and years. I thought it was real. I thought like he colluded with Russia. And that was like the crazy thing about him winning the presidency. Oh my God.
He worked with Russia. Maybe Russia has something on him. He kept hearing about it. Right. That was just bullshit.
And they went through that for years and years. And then you start going. okay. What else is coordinated? where everybody is saying like how about the Nord Stream pipeline.
You know, Seymour Hersh says we blew it up. Like esteemed journalists. It's like no matter what they say, I'm telling you this was our doing. We blew this up. This wasn't some other country.
This wasn't Russia. They wouldn't blow up their own pipeline. We blew it up. But every newspaper is like this is bullshit. This was impossible.
It could not happen. This was all Russian disinformation. Russian disinformation. You hear it about, like every story. It's like so hard to understand.
Like, what is the motivation to getting these stories out? Are these narratives created by the real government that runs everything and then, like, tells the news organizations that are in business with them what to say and what to do?
That's where it gets spooky. You're voting for a guy who isn't doing much when he gets there. I mean there's a lot of people around that are making these things. And I will tell you I still believe some of the Russian shit. Because you've heard me fucking misquote the golf thing.
I mean I still believe a lot of shit I hear.
Oh, I do all the time. They get me all the time. There's so many stories that I'm sure are bullshit that I've parroted.
But if Trump wouldn't play the political game. If he wouldn't put the people on the Supreme Court. I mean I know it's his job when he's in there. But if he wouldn't do any of that shit, he's definitely the. come out on stage and be like waving papers.
You guys aren't going to fucking believe this. Yeah. And tell everybody everything.
He is if he wasn't doing that other stuff. But the only way he gets any support is if he does that other stuff too. Like you've got to understand about Trump. He was a lifelong Democrat.
Yeah.
Lifelong. Which is so weird.
Wasn't it when he was starting to run for president? Wasn't he still? Like, wasn't he when he started talking about it? I believe so. He was still a Democrat right?
Yes, I believe so. Well, he had a very close relationship to the Clintons, to the point where he paid them to come to his wedding. Or his daughter's wedding, or one of those things. Yeah. Like, you would pay them and they would come to weddings and events and he would go to events.
You know that was like the famous thing that was at the White House Correspondence Center. Do you remember that? The White House Press Correspondence Center was always supposed to be this thing, where comedians would do it. And they would like. Michelle Wolf did it one year.
Yeah. Fucking, crushed it.
I remember. She crushed it so hard.
And they would go up and they would. Trump was, by the way, the first guy to not do it. Like you're not making fun of me? Which is kind of a buzzy move. But every other president got roasted.
And one time, during the White House Press Correspondence thing, Obama went on stage and he roasted Trump. And one of the lines he said to Trump. He said I'm one thing that you'll never be, which is the President of the United States. Because this is when Trump was trying to claim that Obama was from Kenya. Do you remember that?
Oh yeah. The birther stuff. Yeah. Which is wild. That stuff was wild.
He was like saying he knows for sure that Obama came from Kenya. And then there's people that were like examining photoshops of the birth certificate. It was a crazy conspiracy. And that was. He was roasting Trump in the audience.
And you could see Trump in his head going okay, I'm going to fucking run now. Like that might have been the thing that got him to run. Like legitimately. That's how crazy that guy is. That one moment where Obama was talking shit to him might be the reason why Trump was like I'll fucking show you.
Because you do not want that fucking guy on your bad side.
Well, this is the first time I've ever meant this, but thanks Obama.
Whoops.
What a crazy turn of. Again seems like it's written. Seems like a script. Seems like a simulation.
That shit really does.
It really does. So much of it really does. So much of life really feels like a simulation. And the thing about this Trump stuff and just all of the stuff that's happening with social media and AI. The guy who's at the helm of one of the biggest social media networks in the world is Elon Musk.
Elon Musk said that the odds of us not being in the simulation are in the billions.
He believes wholeheartedly that we're in a simulation. See if you can find him saying that, because it's such a nutty quote. Because when someone says that you go, oh yeah, maybe. But when Elon Musk says that and he says it definitively. He says it like, with pure confidence and he's no hyperbole.
He's just stating it like this is something I've analyzed. This is something I've thought about for a long time.
He also made that cyber truck.
Do you like it or not?
It looks like you can't be penetrated with a bullet.
You can't be penetrated with a bullet, and they're fun to drive. You ever driven one?
I've driven a Tesla Normal. But this is different?
Same thing. It defies time. It doesn't make sense. It goes so fast for something that's so big. And it's bulletproof.
It's like it's crazy. But it's the kind of thing that you would make if you're that guy. Like let's make a fucking steel truck. that's bulletproof.
Simulation.
Here it is. Do you entertain that?
Well, the argument for the simulation, I think, is quite strong. Because if you assume any improvements at all over time. Any improvement. 1%. 0.1%.
Just extend the time frame. Make it a thousand years. A million years. The universe is 13.8 billion years old.
Civilization. if you count it. If you're very generous. Civilization is maybe 7 or 8 thousand years old. If you count it from the first writing.
This is nothing. This is nothing.
So if you assume any rate of improvement at all.
Then games will be indistinguishable from reality.
Or civilization will end. One of those two things will occur.
Therefore, we are most likely in a simulation.
So this is on my podcast. He said that. But then there was another interview where he was being questioned. Like what are the odds? And he said the odds of us not being in a simulation are in the billions.
He firmly believes it. But it might be what the universe is. Which we were talking about, how the universe is stranger. I think the universe is stranger than we think it is. That might be why.
It might be because it's not totally real. Or nothing is totally real. The idea of totally real is not real. Like our concept of things being real is. Even if you look at quantum physics.
Which I'm definitely going to butcher. But there's the observer effect. There's this thing that they do. Where they look at things on a quantum level. And when you're looking at them and measuring them.
They have a different reaction. There's something that's going on where we're interacting with matter. Where it doesn't make any sense. Like if you get down to like the lowest levels of understandable reality. You get into subatomic particles.
And then you have spooky action at a distance. Where these things are somehow or another. They're connected in vast spaces. But they interact with each other instantaneously. And if you take photons.
And photons are quantumly entangled. They figured out how to take some sort of a super sophisticated image. Of photons that are quantum entangled. They look like a yin and a yang. Like exactly.
It's the wildest thing. You see it and you're like. What the fuck? You see it. Jamie will find it.
Is it that golden ratio thing? Is it part of that?
The golden ratio is different. The golden ratio is like. There's like things like the Fibonacci sequence. There's like mathematical ratios that exist in all of nature. This is quantum entanglement.
This is like two photons. That are quantumly entangled. And when they get this, like super sophisticated imaging of this thing. It looks like a yin and yang. Like exactly.
That's pretty sweet.
Jamie will find it.
So do we all. You think we all have a different simulation? Like. this is what I'm seeing. But in someone else's simulation.
I'm very poor. I'm living somewhere else. I'm doing this.
Probably all things are happening simultaneously. And you're just in this one right now. And I'm not even sure if you're in the same one that you were in yesterday. That's where it gets weird. I think.
when you go to bed. Like who the fuck knows what happens. You're closing your eyes and disappearing. Who is to say that you're coming back in the exact same place. You might have been born today.
Your whole life. Everything that exists. Might have been a creation that did not exist 12 hours ago. You might have woken up. Here it is.
Look at that.
That is pretty insane.
Fucking insane. It looks exactly like a yin and yang.
Duality and harmony. That's the Chinese symbol for duality and harmony. And that is literally quantum entangled photons. There are so many things like that. And sacred geometry.
And when they're looking at all of this. Like the smallest things they can measure. You're getting to magic. Subatomic particles are fucking magic. What are they doing?
They're in a superposition. What the fuck does that mean? Well, they're moving and they're still at the same time. Like what are you even saying? What does that mean?
They blink in and out of existence. They go away. They come back. They move around. You don't know where the fuck they went.
Like, what is this? It's magic. It's basically something that can't exist anywhere else other than in the quantum state. But that's like the base of everything. Like everything you touch is nothing.
There's nothing there. It's mostly nothing. And yet it's oak tables.
We might be misunderstanding what happened here a little.
How so? Who did we go over that with?
I don't know, but it says that they.
We went over it with Eric Weinstein, didn't we?
It said so that yin yang was programmed into it. Recovering enough information to recreate a yin yang symbol programmed into the photon generating apparatus.
Applying tricks of holography, the researchers were able to read positional information into interference of two separated light waves, recovering enough information to recreate a yin yang symbol programmed into the photon generating apparatus. Yeah, but I don't think they're saying they programmed that into it. If you see what they're saying, the researchers were able to read positional information in the interference of two separated light waves, recovering enough information to recreate a yin yang symbol programmed into the photon generating apparatus. I think they're saying that they're recreating this symbol based on what's happening. I don't think they're saying they programmed it to look like that.
My guess is that they're doing that so that they knew what they were looking for.
It says, as simple as the yin yang looks, in this single static image represents a significant leap in measuring numerous quantum states in a short time. Don't you think that Eric Weinstein would have picked up on that if that's what it was saying?
Go back to what it just said there, because I wanted to read the next.
. Where were you?
Down here. No.
No. A little lower. This is it. This method is exponentially faster than previous techniques, requiring only minutes or seconds instead of days. What?
Importantly, the detection time is not influenced by the symmetry's complexity, a solution to the long-standing scalability challenge in projective tomography. Okay, we're too dumb.
It looks like they were looking at them and then figured out how to map them by what they were looking at and then could program it, right?
Isn't quantum? all sorts of directions, not just x, y? It's a flat 3D image, you know, and it's like all the dimensions, so it's in super space and up and down, and left and right.
Well, how much can they see of a photon, right? Like, what is a photon? Okay, let's look at this. Give me an image. Google image of a photon.
Let's see what the fuck they can see.
I mean, all this stuff is.
. How about neutrinos? They're passing through the Earth, like passing through us right now from space. I felt that. Like, what is this?
Is that what it looks like? I don't know. What is that? left? Shapes are photons?
That one looks crazier than that one.
Bro, look at that. Hologram of a single photon. What? Just that alone. Okay, if that is the...
That's the fucking.
. That's at the bottom. You keep looking in the ingredients. Individual points in a picture of traditional photography merely register light intensity. The interference phenomena also registers the phase of the light waves.
in traditional holography. A well-described undisturbed reference wave is superimposed with another wave of the same wavelength reflected off a three-dimensional object. when a hologram is generated. Interference occurs as a result of the phase variations between the two waves, resulting in a complicated pattern of lines. That's a lot of words.
Yeah, I don't know what the fuck. I just said. That's the problem. We're too dumb. We're too uneducated to really understand what the fuck they're saying, but...
That's why they can trick you.
Yeah. Yeah, man. It's all about Jesus. Jesus is the base of it all. There's a lot of people who believe that.
Maybe in their world. Maybe if you... Here's where it gets really screwy. Right. Maybe if you believe in Jesus, it's real.
Like, maybe that's what religion is really all about. Maybe the thing is not, oh, I can prove that there's no God. Maybe if you believe there's a God, there's a God. Like, it might... That's how weird the simulation might be.
Well, I think it's a brilliant move, because if you believe there's a God, you're never going to know you're wrong. Right. Because it goes to dark.
Also, Jordan Peterson, he has this very interesting perspective on this. He says, I won't tell you whether or not I believe in a God, but I act as if God is real. And if you act as if God is real, you will have a better life. Which is almost like that thing of the muse, right? Like, is the muse a real thing that gives you ideas?
I don't know. But I do know that if I sit in front of my computer on a regular basis and I dedicate myself to writing, ideas come to me. Yeah. And I don't know if that's just... Like, I don't know if creativity is like endurance.
I don't know if it's like a physical quality that you possess because of work.
I don't know. To me, God is like year-round Santa. It's like, go to sleep, be nice, he's keeping a list.
Yeah, that God. That kind of God. But what about the universe as God? There's some creative force that absolutely exists, and it's called the universe. It literally makes all the stars.
It literally makes black holes. It literally makes carbon-based life forms in Goldilocks zones on planets like ours. It makes it. The universe made us. So if you wanted to find evidence of a God, the universe is God.
It makes sense that it would be God. It is everything. We want it to be a person. We want it to be like a guy with rules. Right.
But there are some kind of rules, right? As human beings, when we interact with each other incorrectly, we feel bad. When we interact with each other correctly, we get things done together. We spread love. We spread joy.
We spread happiness. And that's a lot of the tenets of religion are preaching that. So it's almost like there's some guidelines that these people who had figured some whisper of what God is out, and they wrote it down on these animal skins, and they locked them up in a fucking clay pot in Qumran, and they found them and deciphered them. I mean, that's what it is, right? That's what Dead Sea Scrolls are.
Whatever that is, is then literally interpreted, and it's interpreted by zealots, and it's interpreted by people that use it to control people's behavior. It's interpreted in a manner that controls large populations and forces people to be subjugated. That is the whole reason why the revolution, when Martin Luther created a phonetic version of the Bible, and others were doing it at the same time as well, or similar time periods, people were freaking out, because now the Bible was available to people that didn't read Latin. So now the Bible's available in German. And then guys like Martin Luther were saying, interpret the Bible as you will, and the priests were like, no, you fucking don't!
We'll fucking kill you, dude. You're ruining our whole gig. Because their whole gig was, they were the power. They were the purveyors of control. The fucking pope ran the biggest army in the world.
at one point in time. The pope was running Europe.
Well, Martin Luther, he got caught in a storm, and then prayed to God. He goes, if you get me out of this, I'll do this. I'll start Lutheranism. Oh, really? And that's the ultimate, I'll quit drinking.
You know what I'm saying? It's like, I promise if you make me stop puking.
Wow.
So that's how that, I mean.
I think at the base of it all, there's a story. There's something that happened. There's too many similarities. And even, I always say this. Sorry if you heard it.
But the people that, like, when you, in the Bible, in the beginning there was like, what the fuck is the Big Bang? That is the Big Bang.
So maybe they kind of understood some things. But they talked about it. It was an oral tradition for a thousand years, before it was even written down, some of these stories. And some of these stories have origins where they're super similar in other religions. Super similar catastrophe tales.
Super similar, like there's Noah's Ark, which is real, similar to the Epic of Gilgamesh, which is real, like Thor, is real, similar to Jesus. There's a lot of real, like, what really happened?
And if it's the beginning and it's light, maybe it's birth. Maybe it's the beginning of somebody's life.
Could be that too, sure. Could be that too.
But I find myself at the end of a drive, like I used to have to drive three hours to the airport back and forth for 17 years. Jesus. And I'd get home at dusk and deer are everywhere. And I'd just go, no, thank you. I don't believe in God, but I'd just go, no, thank you.
Like, I don't want to hit one. And then I'd get home and I would. I'd go, ah, universe, thank you. I mean, it's so, there's gotta be something. Like, if you're nice to somebody, niceness comes back.
If you're a dick. in traffic, it almost seems like all the shitty drivers at once, their fucking beeper goes off and they hit the road. But if you're decent in traffic, it seems to open up a little bit, for me anyways. That's what I've noticed.
Depending on where you live. You live in LA, you're fucked. No matter what, you're fucked. Yeah. I think there's something to that.
But then there's also babies that get killed in drive-bys, right?
Yeah, that's where it gets real confusing.
So I don't think it's necessarily, I don't think it necessarily really makes sense. I think it kind of makes sense and then it doesn't. Just like the UFO thing, and just like everything about human beings, I think there's a lot going on simultaneously.
That's why I want that hour-long plug-in. I don't want eternal life. You know how long that is? I mean, come on. I just want...
You might have it, no matter what.
I just want to know, and then that's it.
If you're living a new life every time you wake up, you might get eternal life, whether you like it or not. That's what some people believe. They believe that, there's some religions that believe you will do this life over and over and over again until you get it right.
Well, I've got some work to do.
Hey, we all do.
I'm going to get a couple extra cracks.
But guess what? If you get it all right, you're not going to get stand-up comedy.
That's the problem. We are almost dooming ourselves to repeat over and over and over again. Because to do our job correctly, you have to step out of line, and you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet.
Yeah, it's.
. Comedy is pretty... Who's the... Jeff Dunham? Do you remember him?
Yeah, sure. So, I was opening for him in Miami, and I just remember this because this is my ultimate egg cracking. The crowd hated me for 30 minutes.
Oof.
And so, at the end of it all, I took my shoe off, and I put my sock on my hand, and I go, is this what you guys wanted? And I started doing that.
Fucking.
. Boo!
And then, Dunham, comes back, and he goes, this isn't going to work this week. And I was like, I didn't think so. I'm sorry, but fuck. I was just so pissed. Oh, that's funny.
That's funny. You mocked the people that wanted the puppet. Yeah.
Yeah. They were not through.
That happens, though, if you bring somebody on the road, you know, and you're a big act, like a puppet act, like a very specific kind of act. Like, they're like, they don't want to hear, like, your observations about your relationship.
Shut up. No. I used to open for Jon Panette, and I was in really good shape, and people fucking hated me. I mean, they used to have to pull seats out of his rooms. Like, if it was a 380 cap, they'd have to bring it down to 350 to make room.
for him to move through the aisle.
Well, for his fans.
Oh, God. Right.
Because they would bring him full cheesecakes from the Cheesecake Factory.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
They were hating me.
They were killing him.
He was funny, man. When I started in 1988, he was an established professional, and I remember I saw him one night at Nick's Comedy Stop, and he was fucking killing. He had this bit about going to a Chinese buffet. You know that bit?
You've been here for an hour.
Yeah. Kicking him out. It was such a good bit, and he would crush. He was one of those guys, too, that he had the advantage of looking funny, because he was just such a round, big, smiley, jolly, fat guy that, like, you, smiled when you saw him, like, this, guy's gonna be fun.
He's the most generous guy I ever met. Really? I had two kids living in Minnesota, and he goes, I like you, so I'm gonna match what the club pays you, and I'm gonna pay for part of your plane ticket. Oh, that's nice. And I don't think I would've been able to keep doing comedy without him.
Oh, that's very sweet.
And now, if you look up that Chinese bit, they've cut, you know how for clips you have to cut laughter? Mm-hmm. He just looks really racist. Oh! Because they've cut all the laughter out.
Oh, no! So it's just him, like, doing the accent.
Why'd they cut the laughter out?
I think to make it the right time or something? I don't know, but it's brutal.
Don't do that. It's fucking brutal. Don't do that. Oh, no.
Because that bit used to kill.
Oh, my God, did it kill. Yeah, I saw him do that bit in Boston, and I was like, oh, my God, he's a monster. And when you see something like that, when you're, you know, 21,, you've been doing comedy for four months, you're like, what? Yeah. But there were so many guys like that in Boston at that time that were just murderers.
They were so fast-paced, and their punchlines would be bang, bang, bang. They had so much energy on stage. Yeah. It was a crazy time.
Like you were saying, you have to in Boston because people don't want that downtime.
Yeah, well, I think that's the case with all cold environments. Like I said, New York was a lot like that. Places where people are fucking dealing with some shit, they don't have time for your nonsense. Yeah. You can't be out there.
Although you can do a lot of that now in New York. You can get away with a lot of nonsense in the right rooms.
Yeah, I think so.
They want nonsense.
They want you to sit and pontificate for a minute before you actually say something else.
Yeah, they want you to put social justice ahead of your laughter.
I have to do that? What if I just tell jokes? What if I just say things I think are funny? Is that okay, too? Do I have to mean what I'm saying?
Yeah, instead, how about don't laugh when you don't think it's funny? Yeah. Don't throw a fit. Just don't laugh, and I'll know. And then laugh when it is.
Some guys have to find their audience and then, once they find their audience, then the people go for them for that kind of comedy. Like that was the case with Mitch Hedberg. That's the case right now with William Montgomery. William Montgomery, I don't know if you know him.
Oh, can I tell you? Yeah. I did kill Tony last night for the first time. I didn't know anything about this guy and he just fucking screamed in my face. I thought he was going to punch me in the face.
So I'm sitting there watching this guy and I'm just like, there's cameras on me. What happens if he hits me? I'm just going to have to sit here.
So you thought he was a real maniac?
Oh, I thought he was insane.
Oh, he's so funny. When you see him, do stand-up, you get it. And then when people become a fan of his, because he's got a huge following now because he killed Tony, and then when you go see him live, the Black Keys came and they did my podcast and they were going to come to the club afterwards and they said, dude, can William Montgomery come? Is he going to be on stage? I go, I'll make sure he's there.
I'll call him up. So he wasn't even scheduled to be on the show. I called him up, William, Black Keys want to see you. So he went up there with full confidence in front of a crowd. who knew who he was?
and he fucking murders. But I used to see him years ago and people just didn't know what to make of him. He was just starting out and he was so crazy. He seemed so unhinged. But then, offstage, he's like, super nice guy.
Like, hey man, yeah. Did you meet him offstage?
Yeah.
He came over.
Hey, nice to meet ya. And I was like, are you fucking with me right now? Because I go, you're screaming at me in there and now you're like the nicest person.
He's a sweetheart. Super, super, super nice guy.
Yeah, he seemed to be nice.
But that's the kind of guy that has to find his audience.
Yeah, and you mentioned Hedberg, I mean, you watched the old clips? Mm-hmm. He used to eat shit, man.
He ate shit a lot. There was a famous story about a club that booked him and the guy before him was like this really high energy guy. I think the guy actually did like a backflip onstage, like something nutty. Like, to close his set out in like super high energy. That was the middle act.
And it was like all that hack bullshit. And then Hedberg went on after him. It was bombing. And so he got fucked over, or like they gave him the middle pay, even though he's headlining, and they made the other guy headline. And he's like, I got a contract.
They're like, fuck you, you bombed. It was like a big, it was like a war with other comedians. Stan Hope chimed in. It was like a lot of shit going on. But that was a guy that once he found, once people knew who, what, they would go to see him and he would murder.
Yeah.
All non sequiturs, which always killed me. Yeah. I was like, how does he even remember all of them?
No shit. I started in. many actors. Turns out heroin. Yeah, yeah.
It's fucking really good at helping you remember everything.
I started in Minneapolis, went to Grand Forks, North Dakota, to do audition for this house MC spot. And Hedberg, it was right after he did Montreal and got his big deal. So I got to watch him the first time he's coming off that deal, confident in his prime. I mean, nobody killed harder.
He was so good, but he was also so unique and you wanted to see that kind of comedy from him. You know, he put you into this mindset. like someone asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, no, but I want a regular banana later. So yes.
Yeah.
It was just such a weird cadence, just such a silly, unique cadence. But had to find his audience.
Yeah. And you knew when he was in town a couple of weeks before you, because all the young guys in that town would be laughing like him, talking like him a little bit.
Yeah. David Tell's the worst with that. Yeah. People start talking like a tell. It becomes so contagious because he's so good and he's so infectious.
It's like whatever he's doing, it's like you're infected with his cadence, his timing, especially when you're young. Yeah. When you're starting out.
Hedberg got so famous and I was so young and impressionable that we were out eating one time, and he has a joke about, you know what my friend said? You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. Come on, man. You got to give me time to guess.
That was his joke.
And I was the mashed potatoes guy and I used it as a fucking intro because everybody knew who Hedberg was. So when I didn't have any credits, I was like, hey, I'm part of his act.
Oh, that's hilarious. It's just ridiculous. That's hilarious. That's you. That's funny.
Yeah. He's another one. we lost. Yep.
That's been a long time, too. It doesn't even seem like it. That's. the one thing about losing comics is you can see them still online. You can watch them and all this shit.
so they're kind of there forever.
I see Norm clips every day. Yeah. Every day. Some new funny Norm clip. Yeah.
I just saw a Norm clip when he was on SNL about Madonna having a baby. and he goes, Madonna just had a baby, seven pounds, six ounces, which makes it the fourth largest object to pass through her vagina.
He was just fucking fearless, man.
Yeah, he was a wild fella. He was a wild fella. Such a fun guy. The way he died was pretty gangster. Had cancer.
Didn't tell anybody. Just went up to Canada to die. Yep. So yeah.
Going into the woods.
Didn't tell anybody. It was just crazy. Even his best friends. I'm friends with his literal best friend. Didn't know.
Didn't know. until it was over. Yep. They were making plans. Making plans to do stuff.
Yeah.
Well, I suppose he didn't know how long, probably.
I guess. Yeah. I believe he had pancreatic cancer, which is a really, really rough one. Is that the one he had?
It kills a lot of people.
I think they just found something with a protein that causes it. So they're talking like it's the big killer. And so they're talking. maybe they figured one of them out.
Yeah, I saw that. I hope that's true. Leukemia. Oh, it was Hicks. Hicks had pancreatic cancer.
Yeah. That's a rough one.
Yeah.
Here's another one. Imagine if that guy was still alive. I mean, he died. He's like 35, something like that. He was young.
And he had such a body of work.
I don't even think he was 35.
And you go see.
And now I'm thinking about it. I think Hicks was like 32 or 33 when he died.
That's unbelievable. I think about what I was doing when I was 32..
Good God. Nuts. Nuts. And it changed everybody's comedy. Everybody's like, Jesus, I wanted to be like Hicks.
Mm-hmm. So much so that the back green room of the punchline in Atlanta, Georgia, somebody wrote in the green room, quit trying to be Hicks. It's like every time I'd go there, they're like, yes. So many people wanted to be like him. Even Richard Jenney said that to me.
He saw him and he said, every time I see him, I'm like, gosh, we're doing more stuff like that. Like it was so profound for the time. Like to have a guy talking like that, the way he's explaining things, as well as making them funny. It was so different.
But if you're Richard Jenney and you want to be in movies, being Bill Hicks isn't the way to get there.
Nah. You know, it's just that thing that hits you when you watch someone. Yeah. You know, that feeling, God, I want to be doing that kind of stuff. Yeah.
You know, but he wasn't that guy. He was just a silly joke after joke after joke, guy, which was amazing. Yeah. But, for whatever reason, we put so much weight on profundity.
Well, yeah. People that are making a point, socially relevant. Mm-hmm. You know, you think, I don't want to tell these fucking stories anymore.
Right. Especially if you can do it, you can make a point and it's very funny. Yeah. It's an undeniable, Burr's, great at that. Makes an undeniable point.
that's very funny. Okay. Yeah. That's the fun part.
Trying to figure it out.
Yeah. The fun part. Well, listen, man, it's been great to get to know you, talk to you.
Well, thanks for having me in.
My pleasure. I appreciate it. A lot of fun. Tell everybody where they can get a hold of you, your social media, website, everything you've got coming up.
Social media is VatChadDaniels on most spots, and then ChadDaniels.
com for tour dates, and then special on Netflix called EmptyNester.
Beautiful.
Check it out.
It's out now.
It's out today, while we're recording.
Oh, beautiful. Beautiful. Want to come down to the club tonight and do a set? I would love to. All right, let's go.
Okay, cool. Let's go. All right. Okay. All right.
Bye, everybody.
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