16) Is This Freedom

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Hear the story on Where's Dia? Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

That each one of these generals is a fiefdom under themselves, and they're all serving the greater warlord, Putin, and they each have their cadre of enforcers that are in uniform, that are under state kind of control.

I'm only analyzing the information she provided, but they're not as a nation state trying to counter drugs. They, as warlords, are going after their adversaries.

And if it's a general that's at the top of yours, that means a general on the top of another. So, in other words, this to me looks like a feudal system of a bunch of fiefdoms trying to take out each other's supply chain and monetary structure. That's kind of scary. if you think about it. This is actually the truth of how this nation state, a world power, is supposedly being run.

So it's either one or the other. Either she's making all this up, or this country is a country of warlords.

Was it so much fun?

But I was trying to tell myself, no, no, no, I will see him again. But it didn't feel like I will really see him again.

I think I slept, like, a few days straight.

I woke up, I drank some water, and I just went back to bed, and I was just sleeping, sleeping, sleeping, recovering, you know. Sleep is the best recovering medicine.

I just wanted to forget everything.

I was thinking about Vladimir, a lot, about what he's done for me, about Cornell, and about, you know, my former commander,

and I didn't go out for, like, a few days.

And then, at some point, life was starting to come back to me, and I was wondering what's happening outside. And I decided to go out just to buy some food, buy some newspapers.

It was a dark time.

I knew that I couldn't contact anyone, but I thought if I will contact one person, it wouldn't be bad.

I was just alone, lonely, and bored.

I knew I couldn't do it, but yet I did it. And I remember, like, first time for, like, so long, I saw so many people in one place, and it was so weird. There were, like, access to drugs everywhere.

And then at some point, I just couldn't understand why the week just was gone in one day.

It was just, like, only one scene. Club, dog, dancing, drugs, alcohol, and it just was, like, non-stop. And then you come back to the reality, and you cannot accept it again, and you just go back.

I think that time I felt so much guilt.

I felt guilt for Vladimir, I felt guilt for Sasha, I felt guilt for my father, that I didn't succeed in my career, I failed.

The feeling of guilt, it was so deep inside of me that I just couldn't handle it.

And I just thought that moment that maybe this will help me to stop this pain.

When I try that, I do understand people when they become drug addicted, because they have so much pain inside of them, so much, so they just cannot handle it in a normal life. It's, like, too much.

Everything that Vladimir told me about the big life and the big world, I didn't see it. And I was still waiting. Maybe he will come and he will know what to do, because I was completely lost. Completely.

So his driver, his friend, he called me, he said, do you know what happened? I said, like, no, I didn't know what was happening. I stopped even reading newspapers, and I was just in another world. And I asked him, what's happening? Do you know anything about Vladimir?

And he said, well, he, he said he is, he's dead.

And for quite a long time, I was, I was silenced. He was like, are you okay? Are you okay? And I asked, what, what happened? How?

And he said, I don't know a lot of details, but he was murdered. And I don't know how and where, I just wanted to tell you, so you know.

And I said, when is the funeral? And he's like, well, it will be soon, like in a couple days, but you can't come here. Don't even think about doing that.

And he switched off the phone.

And I couldn't even cry.

You know, it was almost like the last my hope of the future, the last my connection with the past, it was just gone with him.

I found some newspapers, but they wrote, like, in a very, like, facts kind of thing. So-and-so was killed at this place, that's it.

And I just took some drugs, just to escape.

Because I felt even more guilty. I felt like, now it's time for me to leave the world.

I felt so disgusting that I'm not allowed to leave.

I have a very high fever. I couldn't walk. It was something really bad. And I thought, like, this is the time when I may finally die.

Like, I felt that so close to me.

And I was thinking about my parents. And you know what? I decided to call them.

My mom remembers that call still now. She sounded really sad. And I said, mom, that's me. I just wanted to tell you that I really, really love you. And I want to apologize for everything, like, everything I've done.

And I just try to do my best.

And he said, oh, my god, you sound so sick. Like, where are you? What's going on? I said, like, tell my dad that I'm really sorry for everything.

And I think this would be my last call. So I just wanted to tell you that I love you. And thank you for giving me this life.

That's it.

And I switch off the phone. And I thought, like, oh, this is just absolutely pointless life. You know, I live a pointless life.

So I took the razor blade.

I didn't even, like, write a letter, whatever they say. Like, sometimes they write a letter, you know. I didn't do anything like that. I just took the laser and just cut my wrist.

I thought, okay, so now I can be free. This is my freedom.

Now, this is the end of my suffer, of my guilt, of my negative experience.

And at some point, I just fainted.

I woke up. I looked at my wrist. And either I didn't do the deep cut, either my blood, it dried so fast. So I saw blood on the floor, on my hand. But in my hand, the blood stopped bleeding.

You have to go and live your life.

And he told me, do you remember? I gave you all these numbers? Call them. They will organize for you everything. Call them.

And he was saying it like, come on, stand up. You have to go. You have bigger goals, bigger mission.

And he just disappeared.

The next morning, when I woke up, I found a note with all these numbers, all these addresses, names, everything. Switzerland, Italy, France, Turkey, Greece. His friends, people, he relied on them. He trusted them.

And I called one number. And I said that I'm from Vladimir. And I asked for the help.

And they arranged everything.

So I fly away.

First country was Turkey. And I had the time ration passport. So it was very convenient and easier to fly to Turkey first.

I wanted to find the light in this dark tunnel. And Vladimir showed me that light.

And I stopped doing drugs or alcohol.

Just like that, in one day.

Where I am right now, it's thanks to him. You know, he pushed me and he didn't let me die.

Seriously, I feel this way.

Usually, if you do something bad while your career, but not too bad, then they just rid of you. Like, okay, so here is your pension. Here is your retirement. Good luck.

And it gives me understanding that they obviously lost the income of the bribery and the power which they had while they had high rank.

But this isn't his story. It's a human story. One that I've become entangled with.

Was she hurt, hiking? Did she run away? Had she been kidnapped? I'm Lucy Sheriff. I've been reporting this story for four years, and I've uncovered a tangled web of manipulation, estranged families, and greed.

Everyone, it seems, has a different version of events. Hear the story on Where's Dia? My new podcast from Pushkin Industries, an iHeart podcast. Listen on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

m. near to the preschool.

There are a lot of unanswered questions left at the end of Aliyah's story, so I ask her about a few of them.

In the last episode, we discussed your meeting with the general and him saying, take a rest, I have some other missions and things for you. And the story got a little squirrely there. But now that we're talking together, I wanted to get your answer to what happened there.

And it turns out there is.

Is it a freedom now?

But I don't want to end up on this note because it's such a,

it's like breaking every hope for every person who listened to it, that the life is not what, like, you know.

But it's a different kind of hero than perhaps her father raised her to be. This desire to give her story a happy ending for the audience helps explain who she's become today.

Throughout this podcast, some listeners have written in struggling to reconcile the story she's telling with her social media presence, which portrays a lot of red carpets, expensive sports cars, paparazzi, fame and glamour. She wants, she likes everybody to see the success,

The Instagram is just all for me. It's like I look at it and I feel better. I want to believe that this is the result which I created for myself.

Because I feel,

I feel like it's my armor and I protect myself in certain ways where I cannot, I don't have power enough to be open and live in real world because it's, it scares me a lot.

Hey, Emily, are you there? Yeah, I am. So. as I'm sitting here sort of unpacking stuff with Aaliyah, I just thought I'd sort of bring you in and get some thoughts. Okay.

What I'm learning as I talk to Aaliyah, more is the happy ending isn't. exactly, how would you put it, Aaliyah? The happy ending isn't?

And I think the path that is best to take with Aaliyah, given everything we've heard, is a trauma-informed one. People see Aaliyah's Instagram and they think of it from an influencer point of view. But I'm curious, what does it look like from a trauma point of view?

It's involuntary and detachment from reality at times. And it's a way that she protected herself and, most of the time is unconscious.

I started to not to be ashamed of my vulnerability.

And first time in life, I noticed that I started to be open to people in general, and men especially, and it's very scary, like it's so many fears that I, I don't know if I can handle it. But I take a deep breath and try to move on and not to close my heart and continue feeling, which, which is so hard.

But this isn't his story, it's a human story. One that I've become entangled with.

Was she hurt, hiking? Did she run away? Had she been kidnapped? I'm Lucy Sheriff. I've been reporting this story for four years, and I've uncovered a tangled web of manipulation, estranged families, and greed.

Everyone, it seems, has a different version of events. Hear the story on Where's Dia, my new podcast from Pushkin Industries and iHeart Podcasts. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

So I just called to ask, what are your thoughts now that you've heard the rest of Aliyah's story?

Or was it a bunch of dirty old men that were justifying their actions on behalf of the state? as an excuse? Could be all. Therein lies the Russian state at its bedrock.

You're great. You're awesome. And then they beat on you, beat on you, beat on you, beat on you. And then the beatings become more and the love becomes less. And then you get addicted to that.

one time out of a million, you might get a kind word or a promotion or a good posting from someone, or maybe even not being traumatized tonight by someone. This is what they do. And that's what she is a product of, of the state. It's pretty profound that she was able to do what she did to rescue herself. The amount of bravery she had to start recognizing, basically, it's the matrix, you know, that I have to get myself out of this matrix.

And that's where therapy comes in. That's where rescuing ourselves from the trauma with the great healthy relationships we can forge around us, and getting that narrative and that story out there for people to feed.

And I think that's the type of story Aaliyah imagined telling. But real life is not so clear cut. And I learned through this process at least three things I will never forget. The first is that life in a totalitarian system, whether it's a country or one's own family, is a prison with bars made of fear and duty. And even if we manage to escape physically, it's much harder to escape psychologically.

The second is that sexpionage is anything but sexy. The third is that most stories of abuse don't have happy endings. The perpetrators often get away with it. The victims rarely get justice or resolution. And even if they do, the healing process is often messy and incomplete.

So thank you for listening.

To Die For is a production of Tenderfoot TV in association with iHeart Podcasts. The show is hosted and written by me, Neil Strauss, with additional writing assistance by Tristan Bangston. Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsey. For iHeart Podcasts, executive producers are Matt Frederick and Alex Williams. Lead producer and editor is Tristan Bangston.

Additional editing by Miles Clark and Christian Brown. Supervising producer, Tracy Kaplan. Consultants include Nushin Valizadeh, Chelsea Gooden, and Jamie Albright. Artwork by Byron McCoy. Original music by Makeup and Vanity Set.

Mixed and mastered by Dayton Cole. Our theme song is Killer Shangri-La by Psychotic Beats, featuring Patti Amour. Special thanks to Orin Rosenbaum and the team at UTA, Beck Media and Marketing, Orin Siegel, Becky Jensen, The Nord Group, Mirda Stedman, Rose Baruch, and Alex Vespistead. Thanks also to our additional guests. Robin Treak, author of the upcoming book, Unbreakable Alliances, a spy recruiter's authoritative guide to cultivating powerful and lasting connections.

Alex Finley, author of the Victor Caro series. Dr. David Lewis, author of Triumph of the Will, How Two Men Hypnotized Hitler and Changed the World. Dr. Joel Dimmesdale, author of Dark Persuasion, a history of brainwashing from Pavlov to social media.

Professor Mark Galeotti, author of Downfall, Precaution, Putin, and the New Fight for the Future of Russia. Mark Hollingsworth, author of Agents of Influence, How the KGB Subverted Western Democracies. Dr. Ian Garner, author of Z Generation, Into the Heart of Russia's Fascist Youth. Robert J.

Lifton, author of Surviving Our Catastrophes, Resilience and Renewal, From Hiroshima to the COVID-19 Pandemic. Amy Knight, author of The Kremlin's Noose, Putin's Bitter Feud with the Oligarch Who Made Him Ruler of Russia. Yuri Felshtinsky, author of From Red Terror to Terrorist State, Russia's Secret Service and its Fight for World Domination. Dr. Joe Sirio, author of Being Resilient, 50 Lessons on Leaving Chronic Stress Behind.

Holly McKay, author of The Dictator's Wife. Emily Makis, author of The Naked Truth of a Healer, The Path to My Authentic Self. Luke Harding, author of Invasion, The Inside Story of Russia's Bloody War and Ukraine's Fight for Survival. And Svetlana Stevenson, author of Crossing the Line, Vagrancy, Homelessness, and Social Displacement in Russia. Federico Varese, author of Mafia, Life, Love, Death, and the Money, at the Heart of Organized Crime.

And Matt Tipton, Army Ranger, veteran and internal medicine doctor, trained in chemical and radiological weapons response.

Listen to Flashpoint on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.