2024-06-26 00:58:26
Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson are total opposites with an unbreakable bond since meeting on the hit sitcom “Cheers.” But after that show wrapped, life took them in different directions. This podcast is a chance to reconnect, both with each other and the amazing friends they’ve each met over the decades—that is, when Ted can get a hold of Woody! Join them as they dig beyond the career highlights and into the stuff of life that makes us who we are. Like the title says, this is a place to be known.
Ted seems to care about things and think about more than himself. right? you seem like someone who's just devoted your whole life to self-pleasure, Just living in the moment good times, and I want to, I demand. I think that sums it up.
Hi, welcome back to where everybody knows your name with me Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson. sometimes For this conversation. We are outside, up on the roof of the team Coco office here in LA. It was Woody's idea. Don't ask me why, I think it's because he loves the sound of leaf blowers.
If you don't know, team Coco is the media company founded by today's guest, Who also happens to be our podcast boss, Conan O'Brien. He hosts the hit podcast. Conan O'Brien needs a friend, but I'm glad to say that Conan is back on TV. He has a new show called Conan O'Brien must go, in which he goes all around the world to visit his biggest fans who have Called into his podcast. all four episodes are out now on the max streaming service.
Anyway, Conan is a brilliant comedy mind and it was such a treat to talk with him. and I'm not just saying this because Well, it's in our contract which it is. But here's my friend and now yours, Conan O'Brien.
We're gonna talk about you. he has five minutes.
What to do, okay, we're just reminiscing. it's not your turn yet about when we worked with you. I came on. Oh, hey, listen, he's here. Why are we pretending?
This is We don't do pretend. Well, Woody, especially Woody. We know you're actors. That's essentially all you do. No, no, we do everything real.
We don't pretend. No, we only tell the truth. Yes, and the truth is, Conan O'Brien just sat down next to us. So I did so hi.
When I see you guys sitting together and I see a third chair, I am strongly motivated to sit in that chair. I really I adore both of you. This is a huge treat. So thank you for having me.
This is why he's so good on his podcast. He's so good good at pretending to admire people.
No, seriously, I was Here's what insulted me. We are right now. You are doing your podcast at a studio that that I have built with my bare hands, and This is my staff. and I come in today. everyone's smartly dressed and in really excited, Because two big stars are coming.
I come in every day and people are dressed like shit and suddenly It's like well, you know, Ted and Woody are coming and I said I know, but come on. What about me? They don't care.
They're very excited that you're here. By the way, you look dressed up too. You got the gray slacks.
He wants to ask you about your underclothes. Oh.
Let's hear it briefs or whatever. Well, yeah.
Actually, what do you that was private between the two of us? I didn't realize. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
I just use an ace bandage. I.
Wrap an ace bandage around my testicles and crotch, And so that's a great visual. Thank you. Yeah, and then I can set the tension every day, depending on what I want to feel, Or who you're interviewing, yeah, exactly. Yeah, I can cinch it, get it real tight.
What is the the? it's the kind of the Catholic adjunct to that? They do that. Yes.
Yes, it's not even a Catholic. It's self-flagellating, right? What it is, it's this idea that we're all. I don't know how you guys were raised. I was raised very Catholic.
Yeah, raised Catholic. No, watered-down Catholic. You're so watered-down Catholic. there's no way, right? I?
you're supposed to suffer and feel badly, and My mother used to start every sentence with. I just feel so bad. I just feel so badly that someone else didn't have enough cake, that someone else right miss the bus that someone else. I saw someone on the street today, and I just felt so bad. You're supposed to feel badly all the time, yeah, and so I think that was part of the Pride goes before a fall.
Yes, if you're miserable in this life, you will be rewarded in heaven, But you need to be miserable all the time. Well, you know, I think there's something to that.
I mean, you're, you're, you're, you're joking about it, But it really is like you need to kind of even even. you know, not the extreme, but just the regular Catholicism or even Protestantism, like there's a certain amount of mental Self-flagellation. Yes. Yes, and and the guilt over the sin and all of the you know It takes. like I I was, I talked one time, I remember years ago, to Brad Pitt and I was saying do you ever get out from under the guilt?
From religion? and he says I don't think so.
No, and I don't know that anybody does. I can't tell if it was the religion. I can't get out from under or my mother's.
interpretation of
Her religion, well, I'd like to get a bead on, and, by the way, I love the contrast in your styles right now, Ted, let me paint this for the listener. Ted. You look like a very well-paid Dutch architect you are wearing.
And and Woody. Woody looks like he just washed up on shore. a A, a can of a low-rent Caribbean boat exploded and you washed up on shore something from Triangle. Sadness. yeah, yeah, you got your flip-flops and.
Some, it looks like your shorts, or something you made quickly yourself Out of the handkerchief, but you both, I just love it. You two are. you don't match and yet you match perfectly. That's right. I have little snapshot memories in my mind that will never go away, and I have a very clear memory of.
I. It's a long, crazy story and a lot of my what fans know it, but basically Letterman's leaving late night and There's this crazy. They don't know who to get to replace him because he left them in a lurch. They didn't think he was gonna leave. There's this panic.
a lot of insane, crazy coincidences happened and they end up with basically auditioning this 29 year old goofball Myself and then they just say we don't know what to do. Let's just give it to him, because he seems to know what to do, which was a mistake. But I still. they picked me. I was 30 and I'm in a hotel room in New York And I have like two months to put the late-night show together.
And I'm there with my friend Robert Smigel, who's gonna help me put this show together. and we got nothing, Nothing, and I'm not. all I know is that we're at I think I think I'm in the Riga Royal Hotel And we're on the floor with just ideas, Sheets of ideas, the new late-night show starring the nobody, This person no one's ever heard of. who's gonna replace the great David Letterman. I'm in this hotel room and I've got sheets on the floor with just scribbled the ideas and Roberts there, and we turn on the TV and it's the final Cheers episode, party salute, Where it's just all of America is saying the greatest television show of all time is now dawning to a close, is coming to a close, And I remembered feeling the disparity Between where you guys were and that I was on the floor with shreds of paper And all, and she was cheering.
and why? yeah, And you know. and then there's this this whole tonight show like salute to you guys, and it just all of America was losing its mind and I. then they were like well, a great Sun sets on NBC, But don't worry, In two months, we found a guy named Chip Whitley to come along. Pick up the banner.
I've never felt so such a chasm between where I was and where these other people were, and that chasm, I don't think, has never completely closed, but I still. it's so funny now to be sitting with you guys that was 30 years ago and to be sitting with you guys now, and.
Still be alive. It must feel good to be our bosses and know you have control over.
Happiness, that's true. That's true. I was very pleased to know that neither of you invested your money wisely.
These guys, who are icons, are living paycheck to paycheck in the podcast.
Why Ted often shows up, Shows up to get his paycheck in person. Oh,
Let me ask you, as you do your self-deprecating humor, where did that come from, as it always been? Yeah, it's built in.
I could not fake that. You do a mental. I think, kids. I think when kids are three, They're starting to do a mental Checklist of what you know, let me back it up. if you're in a playing a video game, You immediately know what your characters powers are, you know, Like you can I can.
I got a. I got a bow and arrow. I've got two bombs, I've got a magical sword. whatever video game you're playing. You're told what's in your arsenal right away.
I think kids do a mental checklist when they're very young, consciously or unconsciously and I came from a really big family still do and I'm in the middle of six and I remember going through my checklist and thinking.
girls. don't Seem that interested. I mean, it wasn't three. I'm gonna go higher.
It was like that was the first thing on the checklist. It was pretty early on.
I was like noticing my nanny doesn't really care for.
I've made several advances on my nanny and she keeps reminding me I'm four and that I can't take her to dinner and don't have a credit card. I can't take another rebuff.
But No, I was going through my checklist and realizing The first thing you realize is the way that a lot of at that time Anyway, guys got sorted was athleticism, and I knew I don't have that, I don't. there's just a lot of things that weren't and I didn't like the way I looked. so I had bright orange hair Freckles call at that point or no. No, still, I had a late growth spurt, literally in my like late 40s. No, I got a great growth spurt quite late, like in high school.
I got tall, but I was not, You know, particularly tall when I was younger. so just super skinny, not that big bright orange hair. I look like the Wendy's logo and I was not.
I Remembered hating like I would see Remember that show Hogan's heroes, and I see Bob Crane, And I think that's what people are supposed to. a guy should have jet black hair like Elvis or Bob Crane, like right. you're supposed to have black hair and you're supposed to look like that. You're not supposed to have an orange bowl cut that your mother is giving you with the Sears and Roebuck haircutting kit. Line you all up and you sit on the kitchen table now and it's your turn and like you're in prison.
It's funny, as you say it, but truly not funny in that moment back then. Yeah, were you really like? I was that Version of the same thing? I was when I was 12, I was 6 foot and weighed 120 pounds. Oh, wow, terrifyingly skinny.
I mean just terrifying. my record was
6. 4 When I shot up real fast. 6, for terrible growth pains like roll out of bed and your calves just lock up. Yeah, and the only way to get it to stop is if you can somehow Stand on both feet, which is impossible because it's locked up. It's in this shut position.
You've got to get your leg open and stand on it. That's the only thing you can do, and people in my house would hear screaming from my room, screaming which was either, You know, terrible, terrible lockup of my calf muscle or me masturbating.
Because I used a Brillo pad, which I later learned.
Is not something, but for two years it worked well, yeah, man, my penis was clean.
Amazing reflective surface, but.
Cleaned up.
Yeah, well, that just dries, would he? six, four hundred fifty five pounds, oh.
That's, and I could, a memory I had when I was a writer on Saturday Night Live. I remembered I Think was Dana Carvey, and Kevin Nealon said hey, Conan, come get lunch with us. So I went and got lunch with them and I'm in my early 20s and I go down and I could not gain weight. So I remembered I had and Dana's just watching because Dana's a runner, Super healthy, so Dana ordered, like a salad and I think Kevin had like a diet, some kind of dietetic shake He had brought, because they're both on camera and they're guys in their 30s and I ordered a triple cheeseburger with bacon on it, french fries, a coca-cola, large coca-cola and an ice cream soda, a chocolate shake With pieces with like ice cream in it and whipped cream on top. I demolished all of that and then ordered an ice cream sundae For dessert.
and Dana stared at me the whole time and when he, when I was done, he said how old are you? And I said, I'm 24, Dana. and he said enjoy that In this, in this way, like I'm coming from the future to tell you this, this will not continue, But for right now, just enjoy that because I you know.
You seem like you don't have a problem with your weight now.
I don't, but I mean not. but I do work out. I have to work out and I have to. I have to Watch what I eat. I can't just eat anything.
when I fall into old Catholic habits of Eating like six pounds of ham, you know, Just devouring it like in the refrigerator door, right like a monster. Yeah, it'll, I'll pay the price. so anyway, it's just. It's fascinating because I think we go through these checklists when we're kids and then to get back to it. I was.
Realized that if I made fun of myself, It kind of just worked and I would. I watched a lot of old Bob Hope. Bob Hope was always His comedic style, was back on his heels, like, ah, fellas. Good to see it. Like everyone is bigger than him, Everyone's stronger than him and he's always Running into big guys and sort of touching him on the chest muscles.
nice with the muscles, fellas. Good to see you guys. All right. I'll just be on my way. and then I realized, Was only till he pointed out, but Woody Allen completely.
he said I totally ripped off Bob Hope early, Woody Allen, It's all that was good. Oh, look the muscles, Officer. Oh, he's got a gun, nice, and I just picked that up and Was constantly doing that kind of shtick. and suddenly I realized people are laughing. They're asking me to do it again.
Sometimes a girl is laughing, which got my attention like, oh, yes. No, no, I can't catch a football, But I can make her laugh while she's still dating the football player.
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That's a good stress test. being in a canyon. Yeah, like literally a canyon, literally you're at the bottom of this huge.
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savings based on consumer cellular single line 1, 5 & 10 gigabyte data plan with unlimited talk and text, Compared to T-Mobile and Verizon's lowest cost. single line post, paid and limited talk, text and data plans. January 2024 What a year break came so Early, right? So you didn't have. did you have years of thinking?
I'm no good, or were you always a pretty confident guy who felt like you were going to be a success. Well?
Yeah, well, I, I, my, my period of doubt was Condensed, but it was, it was hardcore. It was concentrated. Yeah, and You know, from when I moved to New York And I it took me, there was a 14 month period of Where doubt, but not only doubt, but severe depression, kicked in. Oh, wow, because I realized, you know you when you're in, when you're going for it. Well, it, I don't have an agent, but I can't get an agent unless they see me in something, And I can't be seen in something unless I have an agent to put me in.
So it was like a catch-22 and I, just like I really thought I was gonna come here and you know, do well, And yet, you know, and then of course, you know.
Eventually I did get it and we were. we were chatting just before this started, And you mentioned that I'm always amazed by these stories. I was sharing that. I got to talk to Harrison Ford on my pad podcast a couple of weeks ago, and he was very candid about this period in the 60s, late 60s, where he's doing Yep, you get to do a bonanza. Now you get to do a gunsmoke, but he's living, check to check and he's got a family and.
It's rough. and then Someone sort of tells him your name is no good and you don't have the right look. and They, he said they handed him a picture of Elvis Presley circle, like 1967 with the big black Pompadour from one of the later Elvis films, and said go, get this haircut, which he didn't do, but.
You hear it now and you think wait, there was a period where Harrison Ford, yeah, was sort of being kicked around, and He will tell you. Oh, I remember the names. I remember the names of the executives that said these things to me. I remember the names of the people and He still has that feeling and I think that's the revelation. Is that You were saying, Woody, that you had someone telling you you got to lose the accent.
There's the accent and fill that gap in and teeth. Yeah, Yeah, but but anyway, we're also talking about Al Pacino. exactly bitter about, they didn't want him for Godfather.
Yeah, no, to this day. it'll still to this day if it comes up, you know, so the studio when they're putting together. They didn't want me.
Take it easy out. You are your. your face is on currency, like you are. you made it in every. they didn't want me.
Have you seen the Godfather? It's good. Yeah, No.
Give it a chance. Then there's a second one. We know how it. lets that talk about the third. Yeah, What was that for you that I think I got.
it's interesting because I was really interested. I loved comedy and I loved making my friends laugh, but it was not a class clown. I didn't. and you know my parents are both very serious, like my dad's and Kind of scientist, and my mom's a lawyer, and these are very bright people. and I At some point I remembered very clearly in the fourth grade deciding I like being in plays, I like making people laugh.
I was interested in show business, but I'm. I live in Brookline, Massachusetts. right on the line There's no, just no one goes into, I don't know anybody. once, I think, Robert Urich came to town and someone saw him at a restaurant That's as close as we ever, and I was eight miles away and heard about it. That was as close as I ever got to show business.
And so I thought Well, I can't do that. And that's not the kind of people we are. so I decided I was gonna really, And this is not a sexy story at all, But I'm just gonna grind it out and be a really good student, and I know this is like the it's nobody's. This is not a heroic tale, but I just went up in my room and memorized, And I I just ground it out and then got into a like a top college and And got there thinking well over, I got there at Harvard and I'm like, okay, now I'm here and I'm gonna just grind it out here, Because the comedy thing is just that's a pipe dream. and what happens?
I get there, I'm there like three days and someone says My roommate said I'm going by the lampoon, The comedy magazine. I was like, oh, yeah, I've heard about the lampoon. He said I'm gonna go by and Check it out. I said I'll go with you. So I walked with him.
we go to this very strange building and they say okay, It's an intense competition. to get in you have to write all these funny pieces. Most people get cut. You know a lot of freshmen don't make it. I'm a first semester freshman, but I try and I keep making the cut and I keep getting more and more into it.
and then they come to me one day and they say you're in and.
Suddenly I'm 18 and this place is run by 22 year olds and at that time a 22 year old might as well be a 55 year old. I look up to these people. These are adults, and so I start. I just decide okay, I'm giving this everything I have, and I kind of ran the place while I was in college and.
As I was getting out of college, there was this pipeline that was starting, where people in LA and New York, Saturday Night Live, was saying hey, Let's, we got Jim Downey from SNL or for SNL. So anyone else that could be good at SNL and Jim Downey would say well, you should, maybe George Meyer, maybe you know. and so There was nothing available at SNL, but my writing partner and I came out here, got a job at a show called not necessarily the news, and.
It's the same thing. you were saying, Woody, you can't get a job in writing if you're not in the WGA. You can't be in the WGA if you don't have a writing job. and suddenly and there was this show that said, we'll give you a writing job For a couple of weeks and if you make the cut, you can stay. and it got us into the WGA and we got to stay for like two years, and The first thing I did on my first day Was called the groundlings and say, because I knew I wanted to get on stage and said I want to do improv, and they said We're all full up, but there's a class in In Midtown in Hollywood, on La Cienega, and it's at the Coronet Theatre, and a woman in Cynthia's the Getty teaches it and you literally just put like a $20 bill into a bowl.
when you come in and You take this improv class and the first day I'm there, I meet another person who's just out of college, who's really funny, and She and I click right away and she says hi. I'm Lisa Kudrow and I go, hi, I'm Conan O'Brien and we become best friends and I start writing TV by day, doing improv at night, and One thing starts to lead to another.
But it's always been fascinating to me That I went to this college specifically because I Had kind of said that's not gonna, comedy's fun. You don't make your living at it. So I. that's why I decided to get serious and go to this college, which, immediately Second I get there, Put you into this track, where I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
writing stuff and Getting to perform some, and it was just. it was magical. How did you pay the rent, as it were? During those years. Well, we got a writing job right away.
So the writing, the writing. we pay the rent and we were getting. you know, we were getting scale, But Writers Guild scale when you're 22, and it's your first job. It's fantastic. Yeah, and also I had a $380 a month apartment on.
Cochran Street in Hollywood. It was rent-controlled and I drove a.
1973 Plymouth Valiant that I had bought from some surfer dudes Down in a very sketchy part of Venice Beach, and it was a car that, when you turned it off, It's called dieseling.
So if, if by chance, I did get a date, I'd pick her up in this car. That looks like a car that they drove on, dragnet. Yeah, it's, it's really just an old lady car, But it was kind of in good condition and I thought this is cool and kind of a meta way, right, ladies? No, but they would if I got a date and they would go somewhere with me. I'd be the suave guy that wanted to run around and get the door for them.
The car would diesel and the girl would be like is that?
In those early early years I was so hungry To to get where I thought I needed to go and I didn't even know where that was. So it's like a salmon, doesn't know it's swimming upstream to spawn. it just knows it has to go Against the current in this direction. That's all because there's some tiny piece of microscopic zinc in its brain. It says and that's how it felt to me.
I was very, very driven. So there was. I didn't sit around a lot thinking about am I gonna have the healthiest way to do it?
because I feel sorry for people who just Want to be famous as opposed to no, I just have to, and I don't even know why. well,
that's the culture now, because I run into yeah, I'm sure both of you have, but I run into a lot of people over the years that have said Hey, I want to talk to you about how you got to do what you get to do, and I'd say well, tell me, you know, Do you write comedy? Do you like to perform? No, I'd be like, oh, well, do you act? No, And they just want to be. and I used to, I used to say back in the 80s and 90s Well, no, you need to learn your craft and you have to keep working at it, and I've been proven wrong.
Yeah, you don't have to. I mean it's just. but I still think that. I Still think we're not wrong. I still think it's, It's not.
You want to find the thing that that you do. that gives you a real feeling of satisfaction and.
and joy, and I don't think taking selfies 10,000 times a day can give you that. I mean, I well, hold on. Hold on.
Does fame irritate you? do you? how do you deal with I? everyone knows who you are? Yeah, you know, it's funny I have.
I Think I'm part Irish Boston politician because I'm around people that are I.
Have. It's not a choice. I just am fortunate that I am very comfortable and I think it does help to be Tall or big, but looking down on people, I and in every possible way.
Peasants. I Wasn't even talking about height. I really just do know I, I feel. When people come up to me and say, hey, Conan, first of all, what's different is, We should acknowledge that the two of you have made your careers being these other people, and I've never done that. I'm.
I've done sketches where I'm someone else, but it's a cartoon. It's not even a. I'm not an actor, I don't even understand that process. So I'm just myself. So when I'm walking somewhere and someone says, hey, Conan, I go.
Yeah, what's up? And then they say oh, I didn't expect to see you. and I say well, I didn't expect to see you either, and they whatever. and then I what I have. I like to talk to people and I'm okay with it and sometimes a little too.
Okay with it, meaning There had times where people got their selfie and they're ready to move on and I asked them more questions, and they say I really.
You know, so I.
I'm. oh, I'm very much. Okay with it and I like to normalize it. Yeah, and I think the most Normal thing to do is ask people about themselves. Yeah, and it doesn't have to be long, but just literally say like, oh, Thanks a lot.
And, and what's your name? Yeah, you know, my name is Bill. Bill's real. it's a pleasure to meet you and it's real, it's just real. and and I like them to know that the person they hear on the podcast or saw over 30 years of clips.
That that's me. That is me. It's no big deal. And I do think you have a responsibility to at least match there. Yeah, I mean if they're rude and assholes, you can Not, but I mean if they're genuine people, you need to match their energy, their excitement.
Yes, their appreciation.
it's mirror what's being brought to you and like I say if It is a very different thing, I think You know.
There's no one's.
If someone's goes into a restaurant and Jack Nicholson sitting there Jack Nicholson has carefully curated This Jack Nicholson come up to me. Yeah, and and If they do go up to him and he says fuck off. He's just made their day. Jack Nicholson just told me to fuck off. Well, I'm not.
I hate to break it to anybody. I'm not, Jack Nicholson, They don't, they don't? they haven't seen me on like a 50-foot screen, Being an iconic character. They, I've literally been in their bedroom. Yeah, and some of them say I watched you all through high school or college or medical school and you were on a Nothing was on and you were on and then you, and then I didn't like you at first, But I got used to you and I built up a tolerance.
and then there's this like oh, This is, but this is, this is. There's no way if I said, hey, fuck you, It would be a betrayal of the whole thing. It's also not how I feel.
I had to go make a speech at Cornell about oceans, which is something I do periodically, And I used to always start my ocean advocacy speeches with. I know it's strange that the guy who played Sam Malone It's going to be talking to you about oceans, and I did this. I did this in Cornell. This is about five years ago, and I saw this total blank. You know, I played Sam Malone and people are looking at me and I went, okay, let me back up.
In the latter half the past century. I was on a show called You know, it's what you Used to base your identity in a bad way, but nevertheless you did all of a sudden Vanishes because people don't know about. it was wonderfully in a good way.
How do you is bring up the good place and then you're like, so, God, you need to keep. you know, it's, it's You have to keep current. you keep resetting. Yeah, what you're known for. so, you know, it's funny how my whole identity for 30 years was that guy on television with the hair that looked like a dessert and then suddenly I Have young people coming up to me, or even older people that are like this podcast.
I really love this podcast and I really enjoy it. and then I find this There's some stuff on YouTube where you have a desk. You think okay. Yeah, I don't, That's okay. Whatever.
It's all good. Yeah, as long as You know, it's, they're still imbibing. Whatever. They're still finding some value in what I'm doing, just in a different way, right?
Plus, you never go away. now, on the internet. You can see everything anytime you want. my early work in pornography. I've seen it.
Yeah, I have seen it. I was impressed. What do you? what did you think?
We were both watching together. I said that big bandage. He had wrapped.
My nickname was ace. I was ace and people thought. then they saw why I was called ace. they were all disappointed. Yes, a very average penis wrapped up in an ace bandage.
That's why he's called ace. I prefer to leave it in a roll because it then I understand.
Okay,
Yeah, I do have a segue. oh, that has nothing to do with what we just said. is that a segue? still no sure.
Anything is whatever we want it to be man.
I think you live this and you demonstrate it throughout this entire conversation, and you demonstrate it when you're On air, doing whatever you do, but what is your guiding?
Principle in life. What, what do you hinge, your kind of moral stance in life? Oh, oh.
He went. he went there. He went.
But you're, you're leading a purposeful life and you are. there's a time. I was gonna I was gonna say acquire real estate.
But now that sounds hollow.
Hang on to it and then only let it go when the price is very high. I I will say I can't, I have.
Parents who are still with us at 94 and 91, and it was Paramount to them that we're be good people, and that was Something that was sort of drilled into us, and I know that that can sound corny, because I'm not always a good person, nobody is, but I do think.
If, When presented with a situation, if I can discern what I think the right thing to do is, this is kind of a good place, you know, episode. but if I can discern what the the kind of a thing that is Is probably the right thing to do is, I will Not always, but more often than not, try to do that thing, and that's just not me. That is Parents.
Drilling stuff into me at an early age, and so I And, and you know, people can say like, oh, that sounds really noble, but there's a, there's a side to it. that's not noble, which is I, I think I.
Hate the feeling I get when I've Upset someone or hurt their feelings. It really bothers me and I think I hate that feeling. or if I feel I sold someone out, I hate that feeling so much that it's pain, avoidance. I'm working back. I agree.
You know what I mean? So it's not like I, I'm a great person. It's It it really is. I'm trying not to have that terrible feeling. I'm over the years I remembered once I Think I made a joke about Aaron's spelling, Something I'd said, something kind of just derogatory about Aaron spelling shows on my monologue and a couple days later I got a letter and was from Aaron spelling hurt and he was hurt and I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.
Yeah, and I don't know Aaron spelling, but he basically just said I really enjoy your show and I was watching with my family and like that. that That really bummed me out and I was devastated. I mean, I felt terrible Because I don't want to make somebody feel badly.
Did I respond? I, I did. I wrote him a letter and.
Apologized and said the truth, which is, I do a volume business. I'm out there every night and I filled a name into a slot, which is what I do, and you got dinged and It's uh, that's not an excuse, but that's what happened, right? And didn't come from a personal place, and I'm really sorry that that happened and I'm sorry that you saw it, Because I know I apologize that ended up called me.
You so ecstatic. Then I got the impression. Wait a minute. He's writing two angry letters every day. I'm just the first guy.
Because he was too happy. he was like you wrote me back. You grand son of a bitch. You're the best ever. Let's get it to kill it.
so, uh, but anyway, it's working backwards from, and I I noticed it too in performance, I Hate the feeling of being in front of people.
And.
They're not amused So much. it makes me sick to my stomach That if I find out there's an event I'm supposed to do, I prepare a lot And I ask a lot of questions and I try and think of things and I ask people is this funny? Is that funny? and it's you could say, well, that's very noble that you're so hard-working. No, no, it is avoidance of a bad, terrible feeling.
I don't want that feeling. So I'm going to do these things to minimize my chances that I'll have right? Hey, this is gonna sound like a change of subject.
But can we talk about aging and things that are diminishing? Actually, why don't you talk amongst yourselves while I go pee? Oh, I see what he did there. I.
That's well done. that was very well done and I can you know, I I feel like he's kind of dominated the conversation.
I mean to be honest with you, Woody. I came here to talk to you. Yeah, I told you you destroyed it in triangle sadness. Absolutely destroyed it, and you are, whenever you show up, One of my favorite movies, as I told you is old country, no country for old men, and I Loved you in that movie so much, and I talked specifically about that scene. So I was geeking out with you and then I find that fucking Ted Danson.
It's part of this whole thing.
Yeah, and I'm, I might. my happens to all the guests. I see it.
He goes on and on about when I was speaking on, and we're now about the ocean.
Lecture. that's a real self-aggradizing, you know, I care about the environment. Okay, great.
I get it. There's the ocean to take care of the ocean. I do. You know, if the ocean doesn't like all that plastic we throw in it, it should expel it the tide. There's an order to things.
So, I don't know. I was looking forward to him urinating and I could see him. Yeah Yeah, very up uncomfortable for the last 20 minutes, Because I think he's not just urinating. being honest with you, right now. I think a lot's happening.
Yeah, because of that whole earlier discussion. Yeah, but I'm just happy to have now finally.
It's two guys who can. we're a similar vintage shoe. Well, real men, real men. Oh No, here he comes. You know what?
He's back. And you know, the oceans are sacred, and if we don't care for them, I mean they are, If you think about it, without the oceans, it's all just one continent. Suddenly we have continents. Yes, they divide up the space of the land, and that way we can, you know, war with each other.
Yeah, this is fascinating conversation, I'm sorry, I missed it. no, no, no, it's. I don't think it would interest you.
We were discussing our passion for the ocean. Well, you weren't urinating. but now Do you care about the world at all? Cuz, cuz, I'm curious. I'm gonna drill down on woody here for a second.
Ted seems to care about things and think about more than himself, right? You seem like someone who's just devoted your whole life to self-pleasure, Just living in the moment. good times, and I want to, I demand. I think that sums it up pretty good.
No, that's not true. I Know, I know we shouldn't be doing it. But let me pick your brain about podcasts. Yeah, right, You know, Woody and I being new at this.
What do you do? you sit there and think wait, Mike, I don't want my kids to hear me be this way or tell this Story, do you, or my mom and my dad? Do you censor yourself? Not really?
I, I, I don't, and I'll tell you and I'm, this is gonna sound like a joke, but it's not. my children have no interest In listening to my podcast and I take that as a healthy sign. So yes, They will never hear this, because they care about themselves and their lives and they, I am a figure. You know, like a sitcom dad is always a figure of ridicule. I am a sitcom dad.
when I go home. They're not interested, I'll say something and there's a lot of eye-rolling. and yeah, dad. That's what it's called a gif. No, it's yeah, you know, whatever, I'm the idiot.
There's a laugh track and my parents don't. they don't consume podcasts at their age and so.
So you can say what you want. Yeah, I mean, unless it's about spelling, but
I.
Mean. so, yeah. No, I feel badly about that. I made some good shows and then some other shows, you know, but whatever, you just good man, and who am I to say things?
What do you do when you have a guest? That's like pulling teeth, because this has been a real challenge today for me, and well, to be honest.
I know this is the most taxing challenge. I am withholding. Oh.
God, what do you do with people? No, sir. I.
Just start. it's so funny because we would. I learn this from years and years of doing the late-night show We would. it hasn't really happened on the podcast, because on the podcast you don't make as many, you know. Right, the real challenge was do a late-night show and I did ended up doing like whatever it is 4,000 hours of broadcasting, three guests a night, or Sometimes not even music, sometimes three top guests a night and you you do the math and you realize there's so many times.
I was out there with The seventh lead on A WB show that you've never heard of. that lasted three months, Named sass Bickler, and I'm like here. he is and he's 19.. He's had no life experience and he plays Chiz.
He's Chiz on you better not.
And he would come out. and he's just. you know, six weeks ago was working at whatever polishing trays at Chipotle and now he's sitting there. and Yeah, sometimes lightning strikes and this kid has an amazing things to say, but there's a lot of times where they're. they've got absolutely nothing to say, and so I would just start talking.
and Fortunately a sidekick, Andy Rector, is really funny and Andy would be sitting on the other side and I'd be like, you know, sass, It's funny because it says you worked at Chipotle. now I was in Chipotle once and I have to say and then Andy would go like oh, you got, don't get me started on Chipotle and we would go and sass would be laughing and then the whole thing would be over. and I'd say sass, Fantastic, you know, oh, no, you better not check it out on the WB and everyone applauded. and then My producer afterwards would say, you know, you were worried about him. I thought sass did pretty well.
And I'd say sass didn't say a fucking thing. He didn't say a fucking thing. Look at the fucking tape. It's me and Andy talking about Chipotle and big laughs and sass just giggling along. But sure enough people be like, you know, I saw sass.
He's a raconteur. He's a real Richard Burton.
So I would do a lot of talking. That's kind of on cheers. I used to think in the beginning You need to have the funny line, and then I realized no, you don't need to be the one delivering the funny line. You need to stand next to the person who's doing the funny line and you'll come across great, and it's what I learned.
Watching the greats. I learned watching Jack Benny and Johnny Carson, who learned it from Jack Benny, and Jack Benny learned it from someone whose name we'll never Know because they existed, You know, before it could be recorded. free podcast. Yeah, pre podcast.
but I Swear to God some of my best Moments that people really love. I'm reacting. Yeah, by doing very little. so someone next to me is telling, being very inappropriate. and the cameras on them, and they're going on and on, and it's a Woman going on and on, and it's about this very sexual, sexy thing, and there's just a cut to me looking slightly.
constipated and.
It gets a huge reaction. Yeah, I didn't say anything. They just know. Yeah, they're uptight, Catholic. They know my part at a certain point and they know that.
so Yes, it's the person who I think it was. Someone once noticed in a script That Jack Benny, who was the biggest star in radio in the 30s and 40s and then a TV of 50s means massive star. Someone went through his script and said, Jack, you don't have any of the laughs on Tonight's show episode. they went through and they looked at it and they said, Jack, you don't have one laugh. And he went.
my name's on the show. Yeah, The show is funny, Yeah cares, and I always had that. I always had that feeling that I don't. I love it, you know when people would come on and Norm, Macdonald and any of these, like iconic people, would come on and destroy I.
You know, my job is to get out of the way, get the fuck out of the way. I'm here tomorrow night. get out of the way and only step in. if I can be of help. What is your?
oh, I can really.
Unplug, where do you go with your family? You don't have to tell me the location, but do you get to go. take your family and totally unplug? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I love to go. I mean to be honest with you, as I said, like if I'm.
You know, I'm not Michael Jackson or Taylor Swift. I'm one of those people who people see me and they recognize me and they say hello and More time, very often say something nice to me and we'll want a selfie, and I'm more than happy to do it. and then I'm at REI with, you know, looking at the, the, the, you know, the Canoe, like anyone else, and deciding whether or not I should buy it. I didn't, I didn't, I don't need a canoe, but it was a wasted trip, but I should have decided that before I went to REI, but I.
Really like. One of my favorite things to do is skiing. I Love skiing because I just love being outside, And so I love to go skiing. and also, as you know, when you're skiing like you're just no one can't. when you're skiing, No one cares, you know, I mean, they're like, oh, Conan's in line with us and you got goggles, and maybe that's Conan, Maybe it's not.
no, my goggles say I am Conan. I had the man across. Yeah, I get very, if I'm not recognized, I get very ornery. So all my clothing makes it very clear. I'll tell you one thing.
I don't tell Anybody, which is I do have a motorcycle, which I've had for years, and I just ride it like on back roads, away from people, and I love that and.
I have some super. try to be very safe about it. But I, I just stay away from. You know, I like to get outside Los Angeles and and drive places where there aren't a lot of you don't ride it in in In the city. No, I don't drive in the city.
Yeah, I write up. It's weird. I ride a bike in the city like a bicycle. Yeah, and but I, but I, I don't, I'm, I don't know. I don't, I don't.
I just feel like I'm. you know, It's too, I don't know. I just know. I've decided. I like Back roads, I like.
I like taking it way out.
But I like drive up to Ojai. I have yeah, did you ever go to my friends guy Webster's bike museum?
No, yeah, I haven't said in Ojai.
Yeah, was was he passed away, but he had the Italian race bike collection and all collections.
No, I've done that that trip over the hill. I love going up that pass. Yeah, casitas pass. Yeah, and then you come down the other side and it's very freeing to To do that and there's a kind of anonymity and also a kind of feeling like, well, if I have a credit card I could, I could keep going and it's that, It's that sort of Jack Kerouac. I could keep going and I could Find a, you know, motel somewhere.
I Love that. I did a big drive, not on a motorcycle, but in a in a truck. I did a big drive two weeks ago and I went up the five and I pulled into a truck stop and I stayed at an inn. It's right there on the truck stop and I asked them. Is there any place I could get a bite to eat?
They said, yeah, there's a restaurant right in there. So I went in and I sat at the bar. cuz I'm alone and.
All these guys came over and sat next to me, and they all work in agriculture, and they were all like. You know, at first they were asking me. Why are you here? Yeah, and I said, this is my hangout spot, which it was. But I said, I love it here.
I love this truck stop, but I hung out. what made you say? Okay, I'm gonna. I had a desk in a room and but I wanted to get. I had a destination Up in San Francisco, but I wanted to stop halfway.
I didn't want to do the whole drive, And so I just kind of halfway said hey, there's a truck stop, and I pulled in. and because I saw that there was a What looked like. it looked like a Spanish mission, but it had been built to look like a Spanish mission in 1962, that's what it looked like. and.
I Don't know, hung out, ended up talking to all these people and then really got into this conversation about Water usage and like what they're worried about, which is why does LA get all the water? We want the water. Yeah, and I was listening to them and we had a really great conversation. And then I said guys, I got to go and they're, like you, got to speak for us. Conan, speak for us.
I said, I'm not a, I'm a comedian. No one's gonna care what I say about water usage in the Central Valley.
But, and besides, you think AG takes too much water, you can say it.
Well, yeah, I wish you were there, you know, I wish you were there with me. Yeah, no, but I am here's what I am. You remember them. I Become whatever I am. So if I'm with a group of people saying, you know, We got to save water.
I'm like you. bet we do. I mean.
You bet we do.
This is my two cents. I think your guiding principle is to be kind. I think you're one of the kindest people I've ever met. Oh Jesus, and it comes across Even when you're, you know, Doing comedy and all over the place. You're, you really are, a kind.
Gentleman, I think that's a nice thing to say. That's true. now I feel like I have to live up to that and I won't like. I always think that's the thing you put on people and Then they're like, I mean, there's gonna be a photograph of me slapping a nun tomorrow.
It is the conversation.
Well, I'm thrilled, I have to say. everyone here in the building and That's I say this with great annoyance Gets all excited. Ted and Woody are coming and then I open up the refrigerator here at my company and there's three shelves of the refrigerator that say for Ted and Woody special yogurts, weird fruits, I've never heard of a book in the refrigerator about oceans.
It has to be kept 44 degrees. but no, you guys, It's, it's. it is not a task to sit down with you guys and shoot the shit. It's a real joy. It's really fun.
Good, and I'm just. I'm happy. you guys know who I am. Seriously. That's the place I'm coming from.
We know who our boss is. That's right.
It really has no more, no more, no more flip-flop. what is with these, These, these chairs?
Naturally, you are the most relaxed looking human being I've ever seen in my life.
Many thanks to Conan for making our day and Don't forget to watch his new show. Conan O'Brien must go. all four episodes are out now on the max streaming service. That's it for this episode. Thank you, Woody, and special Thanks to our friends at team cocoa.
If you enjoy this episode, please send it to someone you love, subscribe to our feed and leave us a five-star Apple podcast rating. if you're feeling extra nice, We'll have more for you next week where everybody knows.
You've been listening to where everybody knows your name, with Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson. sometimes The show is produced by me, Nick Liao. Executive producers are Adam Sachs, Colin Anderson, Jeff Ross and myself. Sarah Federovich is our supervising producer. Our senior producer is Matt Apodaca.
Engineering and mixing by Joanna Samuel with support from Eduardo Perez. Research by Alyssa Grawl. talent booking by Paula Davis and Gina Batista. Our theme music is by Woody Harrelson, Antony again, Mary steam, virgin, John Osby, special. Thanks to Willie Navarrete.
We'll have more for you next time where everybody knows your name.
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